Arranged love - jaylor AU

what makes a real parent

- lillys pov - 

«So he kissed me on the bench in Vegas, and it was... it gave me all sorts of tingles. It made me think that a real kiss is supposed to be like that, it's not supposed to be when you're drugged and having it forced on you. I'm mad that my first kiss was stolen from me, and I couldn't have that with Ryan on the bench. And I'm also slightly nervous that I didn't feel scared to kiss Ryan, I tensed for a second but then I was fine. Aren't I supposed to be so traumatized that I can't deal with kissing? Isn't that what's supposed to happen after I was raped a month ago? I can't help but feel something is wrong with me» I say in group therapy while the other girls listen patiently for what I have to say. 

I'm so mad that something that was supposed to be special, my first kiss, was stolen from me. I wanted this kiss in Vegas on Friday to be my first kiss because it was perfect. But then I'm also confused that it didn't give me flashbacks and all that crap. Is there something wrong with me that I can handle a kiss without turning into a broken sobbing mess? Aren't there rules for how a traumatized person is supposed to react? I'm so confused and that makes me pissed at the world. 

«I don't think there is something wrong with you. Everyone reacts differently, and maybe you didn't freak out because you trust Ryan deeply. There are no rules and that can be hard, I guess. If the kiss was good hold onto that» Blair says, and the other girls agree with her. 

«I think its Wonderfull that you had a good experience with a boy because that's a big step to overcome what you've been through» Janet, the leader, says. 

I've known Ryan for a long time now, and he is a good guy. Sure I had a crush on him all this time, but it was more than that between us. We are best friends and that means something to me. The last thing I want is for whatever we have to be ruined because we tried to date, and it didn't work. 

**

After group therapy I meet up with Chloe at Starbucks because I have so much to tell that girl. We haven't had time alone since I came back from Vegas, so now is the time to tell her about my kiss with Ryan and the pending date. 

«Girl, I have something big to tell you» I say as we sit down with our coffees that have turned from fall flavors to Christmas flavors. Another change of season has started. 

«I'm listening. Lay it on me babe» she says and take a sip of her coffee. I wish I could have told her right away after school on Tuesday, but she had theatre practice and I had skating, but now we have time to talk. 

«Ryan kissed me. And it was amazing. And he asked me on a date, so we are going on a date soon. I didn't know he felt that way about me. Holly shit I thought it was a one-sided thing, an attraction that could never be from his side too. But sure enough our lips locked, he was so tender, and he is amazing. But I'm scared that this is going to ruin our little group because it changes the dynamics, and I'm sorry about that. I don't want you to be uncomfortable either, and I didn't think about that in the moment. Shit I'm suck a shitty friend. What if we end up hating one another and then you need to pick between me or him, and it will be a disaster» I gush, and she has the biggest grin on her face. 

«First of all, it's about time that you two idiots locked lips because I'm exhausted of trying to tell you both to grow some balls. And it won't ruin anything because you have both been lost puppies about one another forever now, and now things are finally falling into place. Just... don't ditch me all the time for you two to be twisted in the sheets or playing tonsil tennis and things will be fine» she says and I'm so relived. 

So she knew that he had feelings for me all this time? She knew I had feelings for him, but I didn't know she was talking on both sides. It's sort of impressive that she didn't let that slip to either one of us. She could have spared us a lot of time if she just told us that we both have feelings for one another, but I guess she wanted us to figure it out on our own.