Always

43| Apologies

Greyson

"I'm what's wrong with you, Allison."

I've hurt her. I've hurt her so much to the point where she thinks that something's wrong with her but she couldn't be more wrong.

"You're not making any sense," she croaks. Her voice is coarse from all the crying she did in the last twenty four hours. Crying that I've caused.

"How do you not hate me?"

"Why would I hate you?" she laughs, but I could tell it's forced. The worry is written all over her face.

"I'm the reason you're thinking like this...aren't I?"

"Greyson what are you talking about?"

"I did this. The freshman dance? It's what I said that night that made you like this. It was me, right?"

"Why are you asking like you weren't there?"

"Don't deflect from the question Allison. Is this really all because of what I said?"

I could see it in her eyes that it's true. I know it in my heart that it's true too. I just need to hear the words from her lips because it's not something my mind can comprehend.

I can't and never will be able to wrap my head around any of what happened that night. It pains me to know that I can't even remember the words I uttered that hurt the girl I love so badly. No matter how hard I wrack my brain, everything after the fight with my dad that night just comes up blank.

"Not entirely. Sure you've said some horrible things but it's not all your fault I'm this way."

"What do you mean it's not entirely my fault? Then who else's fault is it? I said those godawful words. You changed after I said those things to you. No one else."

"I know dammit! I was there but it's my fault too. It's my fault for not loving myself enough. It's my fault for letting what you said affect me so much that I was willing to die to be perfect."

"Listen to yourself!" I all but shout. "You're victim blaming yourself. Why can't you just let me be the bad guy? Why can't you just be honest with yourself?"

"You were the bad guy. You've always been the bad guy. But it's okay now because I've forgiven you," she whispers reaching up to caress my face, but I stop her just before her skin comes in contact with mine.

"No," I scoff. Her hand freezes mid air, a puzzled look on her face.

"What do you mean no?"

"No it's not okay. What have I done to earn your forgiveness? Fuck. I haven't even apologized yet and you've forgiven me?"

"It is okay. You've shown your sincerity with your actions. I'm not exactly sure when, but my heart's already forgiven you."

"It's not okay. Stop saying that it is."

"Why won't you just leave things be? I've forgiven you why can't you forgive yourself?"

"Because you can't forgive yourself. You're willing to forgive a guy who hasn't apologized for what he said but not the person that didn't deserve to hear it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you Allison. You're absolutely gorgeous you always have been.You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Your laugh tugs at my heart every time I hear it. You're the most intelligent person I know and I'm pretty smart myself. You've always been so kind and so gentle and so loving."

"I love your glasses no matter how dorky you look with them on. I love all sixteen of the freckles on your face. I love the way you fiddle with your fingers when your bored and the way you bite your lip when you're nervous. I love the way your ears are two completely different shapes but they both get red when you're embarrassed. I love your my little pony obsession I always have and I always will. I love that from the time we were five years old you always had your nose stuck in a book."

I grab her hand and hold it against my beating chest. My heart's going crazy right now and I don't even know what I'm saying. I wasn't prepared to tell her how much I love her tonight but how can I not?

"Just being in your presence, makes my heart race a million miles a minute but you're the only reason it even beats. Just looking at you completely brightens my day and my calms my soul. That's how beautiful you are. You are beautiful Allison.

In my eyes and for my soul, you are perfect."

"No amount of apologies could ever fix what I've done to you. If I could shift the hands of time and go back I swear to you that I would. I am so so sorry for what I said to you that night and I'm even more sorry for the impact it had on your self image. If I have to spend every day of the rest of my life convincing you of the worth you truly are I will. I don't deserve any part of you after what I've done, but I'll do everything I can to undo it."

"I know that there are parts that you don't love about yourself. But I love them. And I'll continue to love them even after you learn to love them the way they are."

She slowly slides her hand up from my chest to my face almost as if she's hesitant to. She cups my face in her tiny hands and I grab it kissing her wrist.

"Always?" she asks.

"Always."