Always

56| Free

After completely slamming down my pasta I change into my costume so that my hair and makeup can be done. Now I'm standing backstage getting ready to perform once more.

I look completely different compared to earlier. Instead of red my bodice and tutu are both white but it won't be seen when I walk on stage. Reason being is because I'll be covered by a grey robe that fades to red representing the rose's wilt.

The robe is slipped on as the melancholy music plays and I slowly fouetté on stage. The moves for this part of the routine are quite simple. Execution and emotion is what makes it or breaks it.

With that in mind, I go to a place in my life that makes my heart ache. A time where I felt like I myself were the one wilting. I have to tell my story through this dance. The story of the girl who's wilted and now willing to bloom again.

I am a dancer and not just a ballerina so there won't be a lot of toe pointing compared to my first routine. I spin and dramatically fling myself on the ground as my team members all run around me. I get up and fall again.

Every time I stand and attempt to dance I fall and fall again. Exactly the way I fall every time I hurt my body to feel perfect. With every plummet the audience winces.

As the music speeds up so does my continuous descending until I finally drop and fall no more. I lie in the middle of the stage lifeless and everyone waltzes around in distress. Andy, our male dancer who plays the beast is the only other person on stage not in white.

He circles me in attempts to revive me but I'm not to move. Laying on the floor like I've done many times during rehearsals is much different this time.

I really am the rose.

The rose that's beauty is unceasing. Unrelentingly admired by those that surround it but is never able to see it's true artistry because it's confined.

I'm confined.

By my own mind. By the beauty standards set by society. I've trapped myself under the glass of other's opinions and neglected my own. And in this confinement I've driven myself, my true self away.

The little girl with the pigtails who ate pasta everyday for lunch. Who wore whatever the hell she wanted, wherever the hell she wanted because she knew she looked freaking amazing.

That little girl is lost and I miss her. I want her back because she was happy. And she was happy because she didn't care about what people said about her.

I don't want to care about what people say anymore. I want to put on a dress that hugs my curves and not be embarrassed of said curves. I don't want to be confined anymore.

Just before the music stops the other dancers all gather around me and my grey robe is taken off revealing my new white rose costume. The white fabric of the bodice and tutu highlights the gold intricate embroidery and red roses that are scattered across it.

When the music stops and everyone but Andy runs off stage the crowd is awestruck as the spotlight shines on me. We slowly make our way to the center of the stage into the spotlight to perform our duet.

I know what I want now. And I also know that it won't be easily achieved. I can't just snap my fingers and pretend that the past three years of agony never happened. But I am willing to dedicate everything I have to be better. And putting a step forward in that direction is enough for me.

I'm enough for me.

The soft sounds of Beauty and The Beast plays as I'm gracefully lifted into the air. I feel a calming sense of peace within myself and I let the music feel me. Every ounce of emotion whether joyous or somber I evoke into my final moments on stage. I dance like I won't ever again because I feel so free.

Free from pushing my toothbrush down my throat every morning before school so that I throw up my breakfast. Free from hating the smell of the foods that made me happy. Free from the tubes that were my only source of life in the disinfectant scented hospital room. Free from the numbing pain of my IV drip that stayed in my longer than any food ever has. Free from the stares and whispers that were never there but my anxiety told me that they were.

I felt free from the trembling panic attacks that ripped my heart apart and ate at me from the inside out. Free from the cold nights of insomnia where I spent hours cursing my creator for making me so fucking horrid.

I felt free from it all.

When our duet is complete, I bow before placing a kiss on the beast's cheek and wishing him farewell. There is a long pause from the audience before their applauses erupt like a forth of July spectacle. I gracefully walk off stage only to find Lilith standing there waiting to engulf me in the tightest hug known to man.

"You were freaking spectacular Al. I'm insanely proud of you," she cried.

"Thank you," I grinned with tears in my eyes as well because I know she knows just what I felt by watching me dance.

"Happy tears?"

"Yeah. Happy tears?" I ask her sniffing.

"Of course they're happy tears. My big sister is like the coolest person in the universe right now."

"Grosssss," I said crying even more.

"You're right. I think I'm about to barf," she gags.

"Shut up," I laugh pushing her lightly.

"Oh yeah here you go," she says handing me a single white rose. " A rose for a rose."

"Thank you," I smile sniffing it. "It smells lovely."

"You're welcome. I'll be heading back now, we've saved you a seat if you wanna watch the rest of the program with us."

"Alright, I'll come find you guys after I change."

I walk into my dressing room stripping almost immediately. I'm just about done when I remember the note that Greyson wanted me to read after my performance. I thought the wait until afterwards would make me anxious but it completely slipped my mind. I pick up the note taking a deep breath before reading.

"Hey partner..."

A/N:
Hey... totally didn't just go m.i.a for three weeks and returned like nothing happened. Yeah I definitely didn't do that. (^◇^;)

I hope everyone is doing well.🤗 I'm so happy that you made it to the end of another year.