SHE AIN'T LIKE A SISTER NO MORE

Chapter 43 ~ My heart has stopped beating.

JUSTIN

"Jen...will you marry me?"

There! It's out! The hardest, yet most meaningful question I've ever asked, and probably ever will ask!
I watch Jens chest rise and fall as she gasps for air.
Her tear streaked face.
Her red puffy eyes staring back into mine.
Suddenly I realize I've been holding my breath for god knows how long, waiting for her answer.
With the question still lingering in the air, I soon come to another realization.

I asked this question over 2 minutes ago.

Panic starts to set in, and all of a sudden I'm the one breathing heavily. The thought that she's going to say 'no', weighs heavily in my heart causing instant nausea in the pit of my stomach.

The hand which I'm holding the ring drops down a little, as I feel my eyebrows furrow together with pain.

I'd like to say my heart's going berserk in my chest, pounding against my ribcage, but that's not the case at all.
I'm actually pretty sure my heart has stopped beating altogether.

I place my perched leg beneath me, and sit back against my heels, the hand holding the ring now lazily slumped over my thigh.

I slowly search her eyes for any hint of an answer.

So many things going through my mind, but never sticking with me long enough to concentrate on just one thought.

Why the fuck is she taking so fucking long?!

One second I want to cry with her, and tell her to forget I ever asked. What was I thinking, pushing this perfection we've had going on? Why did I have to fuck it up?!
The next second I want to walk out, angry for the fact she's putting me through hell, simply standing there staring back at me.

Has the past 9 months meant absolutely nothing to her? Fuck, the last decade even?!

Maybe I imagined it all? Maybe I've been so much more into this than she ever was? How the fuck did I get it all so wrong?!

There's still no answer. Not from between her lips, not even hiding in those beautiful blue eyes. I can't read them for the life of me, and it suddenly saddens me. I've always been pretty good at reading her. Or so I thought.

Was this all a game to her? I don't fucking understand...

I feel a single tear roll down my cheek, as more minutes pass by painfully.

I want to scream at her 'just give me a fucking answer', but I can't find my voice. She's sucked the life right out of me, and not in a good way.

Lowering my eyes to the ground, thoughts of having to live without her invade my mind, and my heart breaks all over again.

I can't! There is no way in hell I ever want to be without her. It's not even that...it's that I literally cannot live my life without her in it!!

I feel her hand caress my cheek, and realize she's kneeling between my legs now. Her thumb strokes the tear from my cheek gently.

"J?" She whispers, softly trying to lift my face to look at her.

I lift my eyes, as a sigh escapes me.
Fuck! Why does she have to be so goddamn beautiful?!
Even in the midst of breaking my heart, she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on, making the pain inside a billion times worse!

"Justin..." She whispers, as I lift my gaze again, not realizing I'd even lowered my head again. I guess it hurts too much to look at her right now.
Her hand slides down my face, and she runs her thumb over my lips so delicately, I wonder if it actually happened, or I just imagined it.