Overkill // Joseph Quinn

4- i know what im doing

After the new information I gained about Jamie, every session I've had with him has been different. Not for him, but for me now knowing he was taking an opportunity I had shut down. I had almost envied him for having the confidence to send a tape.

"Everything alright?" He asked, bringing me out of my reoccurring thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry. Just tired." I pulled my lips into a quick smile before looking back down at my journal.

"What's this?" He asked as he stopped me from switching the pages. He landed his finger on the song I recently wrote. I grew nervous as he examined the lyrics in silence.

"I like it." He complimented which made me actually smile this time.

"Thank you. Do you have anything new?" I asked, quickly changing the subject.

He flipped through his own journal that he recently got from my suggestions. He stopped abruptly on a page that was filled with words, but not music.

"No, not that one." He mumbled as he began to switch the pages again.

I happened to catch a glance of the words written on the page; it was the script he auditioned with. I had instantly knew it was a strategy to help him memorize the words, taking note of them to help him remember certain parts easier. I smiled to myself knowing that I used to do the same thing when auditioning.

"Here." He spoke, pointing his finger at the page he was now settled with.

I read the words written along the paper and analyzed them carefully. The song was great and I had instantly figured out the perfect melody for it. I stood up and walked to a chair to sit on and swung the guitar around to meet it with my lap. I strummed a chord to make sure everything was in place before actually playing what I had in mind. I sung out the lyrics from his journal and he seemed pleased with the outcome.

"You thinking about coming out with a song soon?" I asked after wrapping up my performance.

"Not yet, maybe soon though." His hesitation made me curious.

Was he waiting until he found out his results for the show?

I washed away the thoughts and brought myself back to reality. It was hard to focus on things when all these thoughts about the audition roamed through my brain.

"I wanted to wait until I find out if I get this role I auditioned for." His words made my eyes go wide, not expecting him to come out about it.

"What role?" I asked, clearing my throat. I tried everything I could to act casual about it, like I didn't already know.

He laughed softly and scratched his nose, which seemed to be a mannerism he did often that I picked up on.

"Stranger Things. I auditioned for a villain." He said, keeping his eyes on the open page of his journal with the script written on it. "There's another role needing to be filled, you should audition!"

My face instantly dropped. There's no way this is what I think it is.

"Did you talk to Jo?" I blurted my thoughts out, causing his eyes to go wide.

"No, I- Uh."

I laughed and lifted myself from the chair. The time was coming to an end for our session to be over, and I was over it.

"Look, he said you'd be amazing at it. I believed it, from what I know about you. You should really do it, regardless of what the outcome could be." I stopped my movements from packing up my things and slowly turned around on my heels to face Jamie again.

Instead of saying something, I only turned back around and continued what I was going previously. His footsteps grew louder as he approached the other side of the table to grab his belongings as well.

"You only live once, Eden." I looked up to meet with his serious gaze, one that I had never received from him before. It's like his words completely altered my brain and every thought I've formed since I could remember.

He soon walked away and his footsteps grew more faint until they completely went away after the door shut. I scoffed to myself in disbelief while throwing my bag around my shoulder.

The walk home was silent. My brain was silent in contrast to the streets. I didn't regain a thought until I walked into my apartment and was greeted by Dixie. I pet her quickly before pouring her food and placing myself on the couch. I spread my limbs out across the cushions as I stared up at the ceiling, allowing all of my thoughts to come back to me.

Jamie's words whirled through my mind as the sounds of Dixie chewing rung through my ears. I grew overstimulated from the noise and overwhelming thoughts which led me to my feet. I paced the room and found myself standing outside on my balcony. The warm breeze hit my face just in the right places, allowing me to feel calm again. I closed my eyes and inhaled a breath of fresh air to try and soothe my anxiety. My brain became silent again as the sound of roaring engines passed by.

Maybe Jamie was right, I only live once. Acting was no longer a dream for me, not one that I was yearning to reach. If I failed to get the role, it shouldn't bother me since it's not something I have an high interest in. Music is my high interest and I am constantly given opportunities to further pursue it. I am lucky to have what I have and I'm going to have it for a long time, acting is only a side job that I could possibly go into or maybe not. It's not the end of the world if I don't get it.

I walked back inside the silent house now that Dixie was done eating. I cleaned up her area before walking back into my office. My laptop sat in the same place as before, waiting for me to open it again. I gave into the desire and let myself turn the camera on and sat in front of it. I stared at myself through the screen, scanning my face and going deeper with the search. The smile that once came across my face before never showed, but the feeling I had inside was different. It encouraged me to read over the script again and hit record to start my tape.

I was surprised to finally be satisfied with what I created. I smiled as I rewatched it over and over, making sure it was how I visioned it. I edited a few parts of where I restarted the script and soon came across the finished product. I saved it into my files to be able to send it off to where my fate would soon be chosen.

-------------