Overkill // Joseph Quinn

11- my future

Being back home was a relief as much as it was saddening. I already missed being around everyone. I did enjoy their company, but I also wasn't used to be around people I actually enjoyed being around. It was a definite change in my routine and I'm anticipating to create the new one I'll have on set.

Jo went home to visit his parents before being gone for longer. I didn't blame him, I didn't really realize how often he was away from them while shooting. Me on the other hand, I had no intention of doing the same. A part of me wanted to send my mom a text, giving her brief update on my life. Besides being on the show, I'm still not ready for that conversation.

hey mom, just checking in. been pretty busy lately. how are you guys?

I reread the text over and over finding something wrong with it every time. I rearranged the sentences until I finally resorted to the original text. I sent it and immediately shut off my phone and threw it across the couch.

I hired someone to watch over Dixie while I was gone for those two days. She was pleasant, and reassured me she would watch over her while I was gone for my business trip. It's hard for me to remember that I can't spread the information about my place on the show, but she wasn't pushy about my whereabouts. Living in L.A will definitely make you learn that quickly.

I lay on the couch with Dixie in my lap, watching tv to pass the time. I didn't go back to Atlanta until a couple more weeks. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself until then. Jamie had also went back home before going back to Atlanta, so both of my only friends here aren't around.

A notification dings on my phone from across the couch. My body tensed up and Dixie was aware of it as she meowed loudly. My eyes burn into the back of my phone, wishing it would just automatically send a message itself.

I reached over carefully to not disturb Dixie and wrapped my fingers around my phone. The insides of my cheeks were raw at this point from my nerves, but I continued to nibble away at the sensitive skin before opening up the message.

sara: Hey sis! How's it going?

I pressed my lips into a tight line in confusion. Did my mom really have Sara text me back for her? Did she really not want to talk to me that much? Let alone the absence of messages from my sister in general, my mom was definitely behind this.

it's going good. how are you? how's mom and dad?

Instead of frantically turning off my phone, I remained staring at the message screen as the three dots moved around while she typed.

sara: We're all good! Anything new with you?

I now laughed out loud at how ridiculous she sounded. Just as ridiculous as my mother who was most likely looking over her shoulder and telling her what to say. At this moment, I wanted to say something petty. I decided against it, going along with their plan.

nothing much, do you know if mom got my message?

I turned off my phone again and left it on silent as I set it on the table. I'm responding too quickly, as quick as they want, and I can't let that slide.

I finished the rest of my movie leaving my phone untouched. I decided to get up and grab a snack to avoid the impulse of grabbing it. It was really bothering me not looking at them, but I wasn't losing this battle.

It's kind of sad this is how I am with my family; playing games over the phone because they don't even want to see me in person. That's a big reason why I've never gone to visit. Ever since I moved here I only visited them once, and I was the one who went on my own terms. They've never asked to see me or even simply called or texted saying they missed me. It helped in all honestly, it helped it all hurt less.