Overkill // Joseph Quinn

12- doubting the fantasy

I question the decisions I make almost everyday. Anything from the places I decide to go down to the shoes I put on my feet. I have always lived a life with doubting myself and I think my parents have a lot to do with it. I don't necessarily blame them entirely, for the sake of the thin thread that represents our bond, but I believe being under their care has led me to second guess myself constantly.

I think I've finally felt completely okay with the idea of being on the show with everybody. The bond we have created with only two days of knowing each other has proved to me that I will fit in just fine. The idea of me being on the show in general is still nerve wracking, as well as how well my performance will be, but I am confident enough knowing I got the role in the first place. Jo and Jamie have been exceptionally great to me with words of encouragement. Jamie and I had got really close with having common anxiety going through with this show. Overall, I don't find myself doubting my reason for being casted. Especially now since there's only a week left until I fly back out to Atlanta to start filming.

Jo had already went, considering he's one of the main characters. Jamie had also been flown out again since his makeup and costume were going to take a lot of hours of work. I, on the other hand, was told my fittings weren't going to be much work. Jo had told me I'd fit this character perfectly, I didn't realize how truthful that was until now. That just makes me so much more thrilled about becoming this character and living out their fictional story.

I always felt to be living in a fictional story, especially growing up. I always fantasized about fame and would even pretend to perform on big stages when it was only my back porch with an audience of the family pet. It was easy to consume myself in those fantasies when that's all I wanted to do in life. It was also made easier when my parents encouraged me to live out those fantasies since I would never get there in the real world. They always loved watching my performances in hopes that this phase would eventually end and I wouldn't chase a 'silly' dream. They were wrong. I am living that fantasy now. Well, except for performing in arena's. I'm still living out the dream I've chased since I could remember.

Now, I stand on the porch my performances took place. I was instantly sent back to the feeling I felt at the young age. I close my eyes and breathe in the familiar air of the area to which my fantasies were taking place in. Even though the fantasy was based in a big city, Ohio will always be the root.

My eyes open again when the door swung open, taking me out of my fictional story and back into the harsh real world. My mother stood with her arms crossed across her chest with a puzzled look. I didn't give anyone a heads up about my appearance. I even found a hotel with an open room in case they completely refuse me a place to stay for the week.

I don't know what came over me to visit. Maybe it was Jo's constant lectures of "they're still you're family." Jo was always right no matter how nagging he was, he's going to lose his shit when he finds out I came here.

"Eden." My mom spoke in a low voice, like I was the enemy.

My face fell from the hopeful grin I held. I soon tightened it again to show strength, not allowing her to feel power with just seconds of me being here.

"Surprise?"

****

The dreadful sit down and catch up part of the reunion was slowly approaching. My dad was still at work and Sara was at school, leaving the house to mom and I. She offered me lunch but the comforting offers felt like they were given to me like I was just a house guest. It was definitely good luck that she didn't slam the door in my face right off the bat, but feeling like a stranger to my own mother would've left me better off if she did. It's been like this for a long time, but I wasn't really physically around to feel it.