Overkill // Joseph Quinn

26

There's always been a part of me who craved contentment. Not just any kind that would last in spurts, but the kind that would last me for the entirety of my life. I always thought my life would throw curveballs at me and I was fully prepared for that. Until I had a random man come up to me after one of my gigs at a bar; just a usual Friday night for me. With that, he gave me the opportunity to move across the country and pursue something that I always dreamed about. I never had a solid support system growing up, but I think that drove me to reach that contentment by following my dreams even more. It pushed me.

There's only so much pushing someone can handle, though. I feel like everything has been handed to me so easily and I sometimes forget how lucky I am to live the life I live. Now, I'm pursuing an entirely different passion of mine that I thought was too overboard. I always had these high expectations for myself and never ended up reaching it, but now I feel like I have everything I need to fulfill that void. The void that's in the depths of my brain and parts of my heart; the parts I don't even allow myself to approach alone. I've become accustomed to those areas inside knowing that the only way to fill the emptiness is to face it.

I think I've been pushed too hard.

I sit in the darkness of where we film, inside the haunted mansion that we've called the Creel house. I start to think about who once lived in this house before it's become a public attraction for those to invade. I wonder how much the owners endured before they finally let go, if they ever found their contentment. It's hard to picture this house being in proper care with how it's now abandoned and being put to use by our team.

"Eden, we got to get back to work."

I hear the voice, but the way it echoes in my brain makes me think it's my conscience digging deep. Trying to get me to work on everything I've been ignoring for almost 10 years of my life.

"Eden." A hand that's attached to the voice touches my shoulder, bringing me out of my daydream and back into reality. I suck in a sharp breath and allow a shallow exhale to follow.

"Yeah, sorry. I'll be down in a second." I wave off Jo to take a few more seconds to come back mentally. I have no idea how much time has passed since our break, but it didn't feel like the full 30 minutes.

I eventually lifted myself off the ground and onto my feet where I made my way down the stairs. I made mental notes on every aspect of the house to remember where I go when we start filming again. I don't think I've ever been this distracted on set, it's caused us to be really behind. I feel guilty but not like I should; I think I'm entering a dissociative episode. It doesn't help with the text I received this morning that I still haven't entertained. I'd rather rewind this day over and over with cuts and breaks during filming than to approach the conversation that's bound to happen.

I finally reunite with everyone downstairs who all lay eyes on me. I dart my eyes back down at my feet to focus on my steps and ignore their concerned eyes. If I'm not concerned about myself, they shouldn't be either. Looking into their worried eyes that stem from my behavior makes me overthink and I like the silence in my brain right now. Dissociative episodes are both my worst enemy and best friend; it's terribly unhealthy.

We go through the scene a few more times before Shawn decides we're finished. I somehow managed to snap out of my funk and put my entire soul into this scene so that I could go back to the hotel and sleep. I've probably slept 3 total hours in the past two days with constant early mornings and long days of filming. Today wasn't a good day considering we've filmed this scene about 10 times before we were told that we were all good. I was luckily finished for the day while the others still had more things to film. It would be soon for when we travel to our next destination in Atlanta to film scenes in a trailer park. I very much needed new scenery already.