Unfathomable Desire

Chapter 38

I was sitting on a stone bench in the courtyard on an early March morning. The wind was still cold and bitter, however the spring sun began peeking through winter clouds, warming my skin. I watched students pass by, some students sat nearby reading or talking. Teachers began emphasizing the approaching exams, and some eager students were stressfully studying. 

"Quite cold to be outside, isn't it?" 

I didn't need to turn around to know that Severus was standing behind me. I could feel his presence like a darkness approaching, chilling and eerie, frightening but exciting. I could feel his body standing behind me, I could feel the distance between us, wanting to move closer but knowing we can't. It caused tension, strain, that was thicker than the snow on the ground. 

"It helps me think," I replied without looking back. 

"Perhaps a walk, then, might help even more," Severus said, making sure to keep his voice even and calm. 

"I can't," I replied defiantly.

"And why can't you, Miss l/n?" 

Hearing his formality was like getting stabbed in the chest. A constant reminder of everything we could never be. 

"You were there when Dumbledore warned me," I said, barely above a whisper. "Sorry, I meant ordered me. I am forbidden to go anywhere but Hogwarts." 

Severus crouched behind me so his lips were closer to my ear. "You know very well why, Miss l/n. It's-" 

"Dangerous," I interrupted, "I know."  

"It does not mean you cannot go for a walk on the grounds." Severus then took off without me. 

I ran to catch up with him, keeping a couple steps behind but following his stride. Once we were well away from students - close to the borders of the forbidden forest - he spoke again. 

"You are being quite moody lately. Although not out of character, I do feel it is misplaced." 

"Is Hogwarts really the safest place for me to be?" 

"You would rather be somewhere else?" Severus cocked an eyebrow at me. 

"No, that's not what I'm saying." What was I saying? "I just feel useless. Maybe if I was at Grimmauld Place, I could help more." 

"I think Professor Dumbledore would agree with me when I say that you've done enough." My brows furrowed from hurt, and he quickly continued speaking. "Not like that, you've simply done your duty and now it's time for a break." 

"This isn't a break," I said as we continued walking along the edges of the forest. "This is imprisonment." 

"That is quite the exaggeration," Severus pointed out. "You're being dramatic, y/n." Severus stopped walking and faced me. "Would being tortured or possibly killed by Lucius be better than having to remain here?" 

"And I'm exaggerating? Of course not, but I feel like I'd be better use somewhere else." 

"You are of no use if you are dead." Severus took a menacing step towards me, his eyes full of warning. 

"Why Hogwarts? There's nothing left here for me anymore." 

"You can continue learning, growing your skills." 

"I can do that elsewhere," I noted. 

"Your friends are here. I'm..." Severus stopped speaking mid-sentence. 

"You're here," I finished for him. 

"I realize that might not be enough for you, y/n," Severus said in a neutral tone. "However, this is what Dumbledore is asking from you. Can't that be enough?"