Unfathomable Desire

Chapter 8

The next day I went to my morning classes and skipped my double potions in the afternoon. I didn't trust myself to act normal and calm in class with Snape. I was still so angry from yesterday. Instead, I hid in my dorm room and did homework. I knew I would have to face Snape in detention tonight, but at least we'd be alone and I could say what I wanted to. I also knew that I would get into more trouble for skipping, but I was beyond caring.

After dinner, I split up with George, who was heading to his own detention. I made my familiar way down the dungeon corridors.

I knocked on Snape's door, but he didn't tell me to come in. I could hear muffled voices speaking inside his office. I pressed my ear to the door, but couldn't make out what they were saying. I knocked again.

"You may come in," Snape's voice answered.

I walked in to find Professor McGonagall sitting across from Snape, neither looking up at me as I entered.

"This is quite time urgent," McGonagall was saying. "You must understand that?"

"Of course I do," Snape drawled. "I understand the matter quite clearly. You may remember, I have personal experience with the matter-at-hand."

"Very well," McGonagall nodded, stood up and turned to me. "As for you, Miss l/n, 20 points from Gryffindor for skipping class this afternoon. Professor Snape has informed me of your recent misconduct. Please be careful, you're representing Gryffindor as well as yourself."

"Yes, Professor McGonagall," I said. "I'm sorry."

McGonagall approached me, leaned down to whisper so that Snape couldn't hear, "My door is always open if you need to talk. Your current behaviour is not the impression I got from you upon our first meeting. If something is wrong, I trust that you'll bring it to my attention so we can sort it out, yes?"

"Yes, Professor," I agreed. "Thank you."

McGonagall gave my arm a reassuring squeeze before turning back to Snape. "I trust you won't forget our conversation, Severus."

With that, she turned on her heel and left. Snape leaned on his elbows and rubbed his temples, as if a headache was coming on.

When McGonagall left, closing the door behind her, I asked: "What was that about?"

Snape looked up at me through his eyelashes. "Never mind that. What weren't you in class today?" He stopped rubbing his temples to fully look at me.

"I wasn't feeling well," I lied.

Snape sighed, closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Can you be honest with me for once, Miss l/n?"

"Fine," I said a bit louder than I meant to. "I couldn't face you after yesterday, I was too angry."

"Sincerely? So you missed class?"

"Yes! Our punishment was way out of proportion for what we did!"

"I was going to agree with you," Snape said. "However, you skipping class now equates my punishment."

"You know what makes me angriest?"

"No," Snape answered. "But I'm sure you'll tell me."

"The fact that you were only pissed because you saw me kissing George."

"Language Miss-"

"It's so frustrating," I was on a roll now and he wasn't going to stop me. "You act like you want me, then you don't, then you get mad at me for kissing other boys. You can't have it both ways! You can't ignore me and expect me to not be with somebody else! That's not fair."

"Miss l/n, please lower your voice,"

"And the fucking cherry on top of all of this?" I went on. I felt tears threatening to spill and I didn't care. I was so angry. "If you weren't so blinded by your own goddamn jealousy, you would've seen me reject George!"

Snape got up from his chair and rounded his desk, coming closer to me. I backed up a step, not wanting him to touch me, not wanting to smell him.

"I'm not attracted to George!" I continued yelling at him, tears falling down my cheeks, hot with anger. "Frankly, I'm not attracted to anyone, except you! Yet you reject me. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Snape sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Please calm down."

"That's the last thing you should say to me right not," my voice shook as I said it. "Why don't you acknowledge any of this? Why don't you acknowledge me?"

I stepped away and ran from his office. I went to the closest washroom, which was empty, thank god. I splashed water onto my face and tried to get rid of my puffy eyes. I wasn't crying anymore, but I was shaking with anger. I knew I'd have to go back for my detention. I just needed to calm myself first. I took a couple of deep breathes, waited 5 minutes and left the washroom. At the same time, McGonagall came out of Snape's classroom. What was she doing in there?

"Miss l/n," she sounded surprised. "Is everything alright?" She took notice of my face, my eyes still puffy and red.

"Everything's fine," I said in a croaked voice. "Just needed to use the washroom."

I hurried away, not wanting her to read into it.

I walked back into Snape's office to find him leaning against his desk, facing me, arms crossed over his chest. He looked up as I walked in.

"Are you ready to discuss this like adults, now?" Snape asked me.

"Are you joking?" I asked in disbelief. "You're the one in denial."

"Sit down, Miss l/n," he said as he gestured to the seat in front of him.

I was too mentally drained to fight back, so I obeyed. Snape took a long pause and sighed before he spoke again.

"I'll admit it," he said. "I must have led you on. But you have to understand my own position in this. I had this desire, yes, but if I caved and let it take over, I could lose my job or much worse."

"I'm 18," I argued.

"I would still lose my job." Snape stopped talking and thought for a moment longer. "You will serve 4 days of detention instead of 7. I will let Mr. Filch know that Mr. Weasley shall serve 1 day. I can't let go of the fact that you skipped class, despite your reason for doing so." Snape went and sat back down behind his desk. "You will continue your organization of my personal library."

"Wait," I protested. "That's it? There's nothing else you want to discuss?"

"We must both agree that this relationship must stay professional," Snape said. "The risks outweigh the benefits."

"I disagree."

"It doesn't matter," he said. "You may start your work now."

With that, the conversation ended. Annoyed, but defeated, I started organizing the books by author.