Unfathomable Desire

The Letter

Severus Snape made his way to his office. He locked the door behind him, not wanting any interruptions. He sat in his office chair with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on. After all the chaotic events lately, he was surprised he managed avoiding a headache this long. 

He glanced at the Daily Prophet sitting on his desk. He Who Must Not Be Named Returns flashed on the front cover. After a group of students, alongside Harry Potter, prevented The Dark Lord from obtaining the prophecy, the Minister for Magic finally saw The Dark Lord, standing red-handed in the ministry. There was no more denying it, everyone knew He was back. 

This created a whole new set of problems for Severus, and Dumbledore was making sure he knew it. Severus felt exhausted and was looking forward to having a drink once his work at the school was done for the summer. 

Severus picked up the newspaper and tossed it aside. That's when he noticed an envelope, hidden underneath, laying on his desk. It was addressed to him. 

Severus slowly picked up the envelope and examined it, bringing it to eye level. His hands fumbled to open it, then he removed a handwritten letter. 

Severus,

There's so much I want to say and I don't know how to say it. Words can't begin to describe how I'm feeling. There hasn't been a single second where I haven't thought of you, it's like you're always there, lingering in the shadows. Honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm writing to you. I just want you to know that I haven't , nor will I ever, forget you. 

There was so much left unsaid. Sometimes I get angry at you. I start thinking about how if maybe I had stayed, things would have been ok. There's no way to know, so I'm quick to stop thinking about the what ifs. I don't think I could keep surviving if I only thought about what might have been.

I have good news: I graduated! I am no longer a student. I honestly thought I would fail - and I know you're probably shaking your head right now, so stop it. I almost did fail. All I could think about was you, school didn't matter to me anymore. Nothing mattered. 

Sometimes I replay our time together in my head - over and over again. It's so fucking painful, but it's all I have of you. I understand why you sent me away, I know it was to protect me. But it still hurts. I cared so much about you, Severus. I don't know what our relationship was, I don't know how to define it, but I cared so fucking much. I don't need a stupid label to tell me what you meant to me. Our relationship is undefinable - yeah, I like that, undefinable. 

Severus - I think I loved you. You'd probably tell me that I don't know what love is, that I'm too young to know what it is. But I love you Severus. And I don't think you hear that enough and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. You deserve to be happy and loved, and I wanted to be the person to give that to you. Our relationship was messy and complicated, but love overpowers all of that I think. I'm not sure that it matters anymore - but I love you and I will always love you. 

I wish we could have been more, I wish we had more time. I'm going to come back one day. But I need you to know that when I come back, it will be to fight alongside you and everyone else. I will put my life on the line to fight, and I need you to accept that. If you care for me like I care for you, you will accept it. 

You don't need to write me back or anything. I just needed you to know how I felt. I'm so tired of saying goodbye. I'll see you soon, Severus.