Princess Charming (gxg)

Part 11

I often have dreams about Jocelyn, my ex-wife.

Dreams that are so vivid, I think that when I wake up, she will be right next to me in my bed.

I met Jocelyn Turner when I was 18. I was a senior in high school, just beginning the school year.

I downloaded Tinder- and changed my settings to "women only". I knew I liked girls. I've known this since I was in elementary school.

I had only fooled around with one girl, junior year. I played soccer for my school's team until my senior year, and I hooked up with a girl on my team when I was a junior, and she was a senior. Her name was Kelsey Jones.

We had sex a couple of times, and that was nice and all- but I knew I wanted a relationship.

The first photo I saw of Jocelyn on Tinder was her, in her usual hat with her long, chocolate brown hair pulled back. She had on a red and black flannel, and she was smiling, petting a dog that belonged to her friend.

I immediately thought she had a nice smile. It was bright, and lit up her face. I could see she had blue eyes, and when I looked at her other photos- I could see that she was in the Military. I later found out she was in the National Guard.

I swiped right on her. And we immediately matched.

When I started messaging with Jocelyn, it was like I knew her my whole life. She seemed to understand me, even though I was in high school still, and she was living "in real life". She was understanding. She was considerate. She seemed to have her life together.

Seemed to.

When I met Jocelyn in person, I drove up to see her. I couldn't risk my parents seeing a girl- who obviously appeared like she was romantically into women- picking me up in her car.

Jocelyn lived about an hour from me. Which I know for lesbians is barely anything. It's right down the street.

But I remember that hour drive. I was so giddy the whole way. Now that I look back on it, I was wearing way too much makeup and perfume and my shirt showed way too much cleavage, but I wanted her to like me.

And Jocelyn certainly liked me.

I never thought that I would be the kind of girl that would get into a relationship that would be all-consuming. But Jocelyn quickly consumed my life. And it was very difficult to keep from my parents. They suspected something was up, and would question me. But they never suspected that the relationship was with a woman.

I slowly started losing interested in my own hobbies- and my relationship became my hobby. I quit the soccer team. I stopped reading books. I stopped baking desserts for people. All things I love.

But I loved Jocelyn more. At that point in my life, she became my world.

Even when I tried to stop myself. Tell myself that I needed to cool down, and still make time for myself- Jocelyn consumed me. I looked forward to anytime when I got to see her. Even though it was getting increasingly harder to keep it a secret.

I loved Jocelyn. And at first, I felt safe with her. I couldn't believe that I was in high school- and I met my soulmate.

There was something looming though. Jocelyn was part of the National Guard, and worked as a security officer when she wasn't doing work for the Army.

But she wanted more. She wanted to go Active in the Military. And they were going to place her at a Military base in North Carolina. She was going to have to move hours away.

And I couldn't take the thought of it.

I was enrolled to go to University of Pennsylvania- an Ivy League college. My parents were so proud of me. I was proud of myself. But I didn't care. All I wanted was Jocelyn.

Jocelyn was set to move to North Carolina in July, right after I graduated.

One night in late May, I lost it. I lost it at the thought of her moving away. At the thought of me being at college, and her living her life and working at the Military base. I just wanted to be with her.

So she proposed to me. In the middle of me crying and losing my mind at the thought of us being apart- she said to me- in her bedroom- "So marry me."

I stopped my hysterics and looked at her. "What?"

"So marry me, Alina. I've been wanting to ask you anyway. Marry me, and you can move down to North Carolina with me. Go to college there." Jocelyn said, her eyes shining.

"That sounds wonderful- but what the hell will I tell my parents?" I asked her, panicked.

"Well, you can introduce me to them. Tell them we are engaged. And that you're moving with me. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions." Jocelyn held onto my hand.

I took a deep breath and nodded, "Yes. Okay. I'll marry you." I said, and smiled at her.

The day I told my parents that I was getting married to Jocelyn wound up being one of the worst days of my life.

And the last time I ever spoke to them. Or saw them.

I walked into my house, with Jocelyn, holding her hand.

They stared. And my dad looked like he was about to murder me.

I explained everything calmly. That I was going to be moving. Getting married. Going to college still- but in North Carolina.

Looking back- yes, I sprung it upon them. They had no idea.

But how they reacted...I can never forgive that.

My mother told me that no daughter of hers was a lesbian. My father told me that I wasn't his daughter anymore. That I was a disgrace. That I was disgusting.

So I packed a bag with some clothes and my laptop. And I left.

Jocelyn and I got married a week later, at the Courthouse.

Felix was there for me.

Moving to North Carolina, and my time there up until Jocelyn died and I moved back is a blur. Part of me definitely thinks that my memory blocks it out on purpose to not have to relive it.

When Jocelyn and I first moved into our house in North Carolina, right before I turned 19, it was blissful at first. We had our own space. Our own house. We could be together on our terms. It was certainly a honeymoon.

Until it wasn't.

I was enrolled a community college down in North Carolina, by Fort Bragg. Jocelyn worked as a mechanic in the Army. While I had Jocelyn with me a lot- it was quite lonely. I found myself on edge all the time, and I could barely eat. I always felt nauseous.

I was trying to convince myself I was happy. I mean, I was happy with Jocelyn. She was all I wanted.

But her hidden demons started to come out. My demons started to emerge- though not nearly as tumultuous as hers.

And soon enough- all hell broke loose.