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Chapter 18

NOTE: NOT WHAT YOU POSSIBLY THINK IT IS!

MACE ALQUIZA

I remember being delighted just a month ago. I was so excited to celebrate my eleventh monthsary with Skyler, thinking that another month would pass before we could finally celebrate our year together. My days before were not the best of my life, but I remember being happy and fulfilled. Parang kailan lang at payapa ang buhay ko. Pero bakit kailangan pang may dumating na problema at guluhin ang nanahimik kong mundo?

My eyes are painfully burning as I succumb to pain recalling what happened earlier.

Kysler. . . I hate him so much for toying with my feelings. Dahil sa ginawa niya, mas lalo niya lang pinatutunayan sakin na hindi siya karapat-dapat mahalin dahil wala siyang puso. He was ruthless enough to be avoided. Wala siyang kasing sama.

“Love? You’re still in pain?”

Kinulong ko ang mukha ko sa unan nang marinig ang mga yabag ni Sky papalapit sa kama ng kwarto ko. I had been crying nonstop since I got into his car, telling him I wasn't feeling well and suspecting it was a hangover as an alibi. It's just a good thing he accepted that reason and didn't ask any more questions. I just told him I was going to rest and let the pain subside.

“Love? You want me to buy you something?”

Skyler sat on the edge of my bed. His hand caress my head, comforting me. Mas lalo akong naiyak pero pinigil ko ang paglabas ng hikbi sa mga labi ko dahil ayoko siyang mag-usisa sa totoong dahilan kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. I can’t even face him. I was so ashamed to myself that I had to admit I was cheating to blame myself more. Kahit hindi ko gusto ang mga ginagawa ni Kysler, hindi iyon magiging excuse para maging malinis ako sa relasyon naming dalawa. Ako ang parating nagkakamali. Ako ang nagbibigay parati ng dahilan para mapasok ako sa sitwasyon katulad na lamang kanina. It was all on me, kaya wala dapat na sisihin kundi ako dahil sapat nang dahilan ang hindi ko pagkilala sa kanya bilang pagtataksil ko noon pa mang una.

Skyler has been such a loving boyfriend and he’s been so kind to me. Wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi ang intindihin ako at alagaan sa kabila ng mga mga pagkakamali ko. He never passed judgment on me. He remains faithful despite my shortcomings in our relationship. He deserves better and I know am far from being one.

Sa dami ng mga nangyari at sa laki ng mga kasalanang nagagawa ko, I doubt if I was still deserving for him. My conscience will sure won’t let even sleep a wink at night. Mas lumalala lang ang takot kong baka mahuli kami ni Skyler kaya hindi ako mapanatag.

Takot na mahuli. Damn! I sounded as if it were my intention to hide my paramour, as that jerk Kysler keeps claiming. Dumadag pa na akala ko ay napakiusapan kona si Kysler, but it turns out he just took advantage of me. Ano nalang ang mangyayari sa mga susunod pa kung ganitong karahasan na ang pinakita ni Kysler? He was even determined to ruin me.

Paano niya naaatim na makita akong masaktan kung totoong mahal niya ako? Paano niya nagagawang matikis ang pagmamakaawa ko para lang sa satisfaction na hinihintay niya? He was willing to risk being caught just to have me wrapped around his fingers shows no sign of love. It was madness! His eyes were like a raging storm on the sea. Dangerous in the same way that its owner is. His expression was dreary. It was terrifying. I know what he did earlier was far from what he could really do to me. It wasn’t just a simple affection nor lust. His actions tell me that his admiration is not something I should overlook.

Kysler is obsessed with me, and I am certain of it now.

“Love?”

Skyler slid himself into the duvet that was covering my body. Ramdam ko ang init ng katawan niya pero hindi ako nag-abalang gumalaw. He was giving me comfort, but I can't seem to find appreciation for it. All I felt was loneliness and exhaustion from everything. I'm tired of everyone, including myself, but I can't even express it.  I want everything to be over. I want everything done. I want to get away from it all, but I can't figure out how. It feels like I have been stuck.