The Shadow Sholdier

I should'nt have said that.

Tw- Suicide | Death
_______________________________

„What did he tell you?" I ask curiously.
„I'll tell you but not here." he answers. „Follow me."

Tony walks to his laboratory.
I just follow him.
„Why are we here?"
„Cause the others are not here."
I nod.
„Now, what did Fury tell you?"
Steve walks in.
„You told her already?" he asks.
„Yep." Tony says.
„I'm sure you've seen the files on the desk in your room, right?"
I nod.
„Have you read them?" Steve asks.
„No." I answer.
„Ok, well these are yours." he says.
„Your S.H.I.E.L.D. files. Your whole life is written in this so you should take a look at them. Maybe it will even bring back some of your memory." Tony adds.
Steve looks at me.
„I'm seeing more and more of the Y/N I know in you. It amazes me, that you are so positive after what happend to you."
I nod.
„I haven't felt happiness for so long."
„I'm glad you do again." he smiles at me.
„Fury also found out some things of Hydra." Tony says.
I look at him.
„What „things"?" I ask.
„I know it's hard for you to talk about this but I need to ask you some questions."
My happiness is gone now.
„Go ahead." I say calmly and lean against a desk.
„Do you remeber how long you've been training?" he asks.
„Everyday, 11 hours, two breaks and the other time I was on missions or I tried to sleep which didn't always work out."
„You trained 11 hours everyday for 6 years?"
I nod.
„Is that even possible?"
„Everything's possible, look at Vision. I still don't know what he is. Or Bucky, he has a metal arm and was also trained by them. When we fought I knew some of his next moves because I learned them too."
They look at eachother.
„Hopefully he won't recognise these fighting moves." Steve says.
„Anyways, you're a missing Hydra project which means they'll come after you. But don't be afraid we'll handle them 'cause you're a Avenger too."
„I'm not afraid. I gave up being scared a long time ago. I've seen and done so many horrifying things that I'm not scared anymore."
„So you're not afraid of death?" Steve asks.
„No."
I look at them.
„They tried to kill me. Hydra really thought they could stop one of their best soldiers." I say and push myself slightly away from the table. „They didn't succeed, as you can see I'm standing infront of you. But I also tried to end this nightmare." I say and my hands start shaking as I think about it.
Tony and Steve look at me.
„I was tired of this shit."
My eyes fill with tears.
„I tried to kill myself, but I failed."
A single tear runs down my cheek.
They don't say anything, they just look down.
It's silent.
„I'm- no, we are sorry." Steve says.
I look at them.
‚Are they?'
‚I'm not sure.'
I don't say anything.
He looks at Tony.
„Uhm, this would be all questions. Thank you for answering them." Tony says.
I nod.
„You can go if you want to."
I leave the room silently.

I walk to the lift.
‚Hopefully I don't cross anyones way.'
‚Oh wait.'
I get invisible.
The lift goes down and opens the door.
Bruce walks out of it.
He doesn't notice me as I step in the lift.
The doors close and it goes up to the floor where my room is. It opens and I walk out of it while getting visible again.
‚Noone saw me, that's good cause I don't wanna talk right now.'

I open the door of my room and step inside.
It closes behind me.
I go to the bathroom.
My hands won't stop shaking.
I look at myself in the mirror.
‚A murderous monster with no soul.'
Tears run down my cheeks.
I look down again.
I thought it would get better?
How foolish.
This is all Hydras fault.
They captured me.
They tortured me.
I wish they knew how it feels.
I look in the mirror again.
I've never seen myself so exhausted.
All this pain.
I clench my fist and look at it.
I hit the mirror and it shatters into many pieces.
I break down and sit on the floor amidst the panes of glass.
The tears blurry my view.
I just sit there in silence, head down and my bloody hands covering my face.

I hear knocking.
„Y/N?"
Someone knocks on the door of my room.
„Y/N, are you okay? I heard something falling off. Can I come in?"
I don't know who's on the door.
„I'm just coming in, ok?"
The door opens.
Someone steps in.
„Y/N?"
I don't say anything.
„Are you inside here?"
They knock on the bathroom door.
„Y/N, I'm worried. I know it wasn't easy for you to answer these questions."
I look at the door.
„Come in." I say and wipe the tears from my face.
The doors open and Steve stands in the door. He gasps slightly as he sees me on the floor.
„Y/N!" he says and kneels down to me.
„Let me help you up."
He takes some paper towels and cleans my hands.
„Are you alright?"
He gives me his hand.
I take it and stand up.
My eyes are still glassy.
„I'm so sorry." he says and hugs me.
I'm not very comfortable.
I push him away from me.
„Y/N?"
I bend down and pick up the panes of glass.
„Sorry for the mess." I say and throw them in the trash.
„What happend?"
I look at him.
„I slipped and broke the mirror."
I walk past him through the door, but he grabs my arm.
„You don't slip and then sit admist the panes of glass while crying." he says.
„Don't you dare touch me." I say and free me from his grip.
He looks at me surprisingly.
I walk out of the bathroom.
„I'm not seeing the Y/N I knew anymore." he says.
That sentence triggered me.
I turn around and face him.
„You're right! Because she's dead! She really died that day and all what's left is her look and her voice. That's all. They took everything. Her personality, her name, her identity. She's gone!" I respond loudly and burst into tears. „I am left, a killing machine with no soul and empathy. I thought it would get better if I come here."
Steve walks to me.
He doesn't say a word.
I look down.
I'm broken.
He puts his hands on my shoulders.
„I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." he whispers and touches my forehead with his.
I sob.
He hugs me.
„I'm so endlessly sorry for everything that happend." he whispers.
I hug him back.
Some minutes pass and he let's go of me.
„Let's sit down and talk, okay?" he says.
I just nod.

He sits on the chair and I on the bed.
„Why'd you punch the mirror?" he asks.
„I don't know, I must've had a panic attack or something. All those feelings that I haven't felt in so long came up at one moment." I answer.
„Okay." he says and looks at me.
He takes the files on the table, stands up and sits to me.
„You should read these, they're important, they're yours. I know that you probably can't forget Hydra, but you get to know S.H.I.E.L.D better." he says. „I'm gonna leave you alone for now, but you can call me if you need me, ok?"
I nod.
He stands up.
„Thank you." I say.
He looks at me, smiling.
„Your welcome."
I take the files.
He walks to the door.
„I'll see you around." he says.
„Yep."
He goes through the door and closes it.

Now I sit here.
Alone in a room, as always.
I take my phone and these headphones.
I put them inside my ears and open a music app.
There's a lot of different kind of music.
I'm just gonna take the one Natasha suggested me: indie and alternative.
I start to play the music.
„Wow." I say under my breath.
It's calming.
I take the files and start reading.