The Shadow Sholdier

Thank you

I wake up and rub my eyes.
It's dark outside.
I look at my phone.
It's 1.34am.
‚Great, now I'm not tired anymore.' I think to myself and stand up.
I go to my bathroom and look in the mirror.
‚Well at least I slept well.'
I wash my face and change my clothes into a oversized hoodie and some shorts.
After some minutes I decide to go to the kitchen, getting something to drink.
As I step out of my room, I get invisible and hope that the lift isn't that loud.
I go to the kitchen and pour some water in a glass.
I sit down on the couch, looking outside and enjoying the silence.
‚I've missed this.'
I drink the water and stay some minutes.
I hum my favourite song quietly.
Before I go back to the lifts, bring the glass back to the kitchen.

The doors open and I walk out.
As I walk past Bucky's room, I hear his heartbeat. It's very fast, nearly too fast.
I stop by his room.
I hesitate, but knock on his door and get visible as I open it slowly.
„Bucky?" I ask.
His room is dark, I only see his silhouette because of the light of the hall.
„Is everything alright?"
„Y/N?"
Bucky's voice is shaking.
„Yes! It's me."
„Please, close the door."
„Can.. I come in?"
He doesn't answer.
„Okay, I'm gonna-."
„No." he says quietly. „Stay."
I step in and close the door behind me.
It's dark now.
After some moments he turns on the small light on the nighstand.
I look at him, but he looks away.
I take a step forward.
„What happend?"
As I take a closer look, I notice his tousled hair, head in his knees and the clothes on the ground, also his dog tags.
I pick them up and gently run my fingers over them.
‚A good soldier.' I think to myself and look at Bucky, sitting there, panting heavily.
„I.."
I look at him.
„I don't want you to see me like this.." he says quietly.
I stand next to him by the bed and hand him his dog tags.
„Are you thinking about that?" I ask carefully.
He doesn't respond, but nods slowly.
„Can I sit down?" I ask.
He nods again.
I sit down on his bed, next to him.
‚I know exactly how he feels, I could tell him. Tell him that I'm from Hydra, that I went trough the same bullshit, that.. that he's not alone.'
Bucky's heart is racing, he's gasping for air.
I look at him and gently touch his hand.
I hear him sob.
„You need to calm down, breath with me, okay?" I say.
He slightly looks up at me.
„Breath in."
He hesitately breaths in.
„Hold.. and slowly breathe out."
He breaths out.
„Now repeat that in the same speed. Breathe in.."
We continued this until his heart wasn't racing anymore and a chance of a panick attack was over.
„Very good, Buck." I say and look at him, smiling.
He slowly sits up but looks away.
„Thank you.."
„You're welcome."
I squeeze his hand gently.
Bucky looks at me.
Small tears running down his cheeks, the exhaustion and tiredness in his eyes.
I carefully wipe away the tears.
He looks at me as I do so.
He seems so perplexed.
„Noone ever.. did that for me.." he says quietly, his voice shaking.
I look at him.
„How did you know?" he asks.
„Know what?"
„That I was having a panic attack?"
„I can hear your heartbeat, remember?" I say and look at him. „I was in the kitchen to drink something and as I walked by your room, I heard your heart race very fast."
He nods understandingly.
„I had to check on you."
„That's very kind of you."
„A good friend of mine once said: ‚I've been through much and I want the peops around me to feel good or even better than myself.'"
He looks at me.
„You.. you remembered that?"
„Of course I did."
Bucky smiles softly.
„Now that's better." I say and go trough his hair a bit.
„You're very good at comforting people."
„I've learned." I respond and take my hand to me again. „Do you feel better?"
„I do, thank you.. again."
„You don't need to thank me."
„Yes I do."
I look at him and shake my head slightly.
„I just have to."
„It's okay, I appreciate it." I say and chuckle slightly.
He looks at me.
„Hm?"
„I really like your smile." he says.
His heart beats a bit faster.
„Thanks."
Bucky leans back at the wall and sighs slightly.
I look at him, seems like something's still bothering him.
„What's wrong?" I ask and look at him. „I just know that something is going on up there."
I point at his head.
„I can't."
„Can't what?"
„Tell you."
„Why not?"
„I'm afraid."
„You don't need to, if you don't want to. I didn't mean to put pressure on you."
„It's alright."
I nod and look outside.
The moon shines bright.
Noone says a word.
I look at my phone.
It's 2.04am.
„You can go if you want." Bucky says and looks at me.
„Oh no, I stay. I just wanted to know how late it is, but it doesn't matter, I probably couldn't sleep anyway knowing that you can't." I respond.
He smiles and a single tear runs down his cheek.
„Oh god, I didn't mean to make you cry!"
„No, they're happy tears, thank you."
I gently wipe it away again, feeling his warm cheeks.
„Seems like you feel better, huh?"
Bucky blushes slightly.
„I do, thanks."
„Don't thank me all the time, it's the bare minimum." I say and wink.
He smiles.
I look at the dog tags in my hand and put them around his neck again
„It will always be a part of you, like I will." I say and look at him.
His eyes widen as I say that.
He touches his dog tags and looks at me.
‚He's not gonna?'
I hear his heart beat, it's racing, but I don't think because of a panic attack.
‚Is he?'
I quickly look outside again.
‚I don't want him to kiss me, I know he'd love to, but I couldn't. Knowing that I'm lying to him.'
„Have you ever loved someone?" Bucky asks.
I look at him.
He waits for my response.
„I-."
‚Have I?'
„I don't know, maybe, probably.."
„I don't mean like platonic love. I meant real, romantic love." he adds.
‚Yes.'
„No, never." I answer.
He looks at me.
„Is that on your mind? Love?" I ask.
Bucky nods.
„Oh."
„Why oh?"
„Because love hurts."
„So you have loved someone before?"
„I.. don't remember.."
„Oh, yeah.. right. I'm sorry."
„It's alright."
I look at him.
„So, who is it?"
„I never said that I'm in love.." he says and laughs nervously.
„You keep forgetting that I can hear your heartbeat.. you're probably thinking about her the whole time."
„I'm not, even tho I don't know if it's love or just a similar feeling."
„What feeling?"
„Comfort.. maybe."
I look outside.
„Well I've learned that love hurts, through the hard way."
„I thought you wouldn't remember.."
„I don't, but I think you know that you can forget memories, but not feelings.."
He's silent.
„Right."
I look at him again.
„Nevertheless, I've loved again since I came here. Not only the cereal, but also you and Natasha and Steve and all the others. I love all of you."
He smiles again.
„I love you too." he says and squeezes my hand softly.
His heartbeat is extremely fast.
‚He's about to-.'
Bucky's still holding my hand, for comfort, or.. love.
I let go of his hand and sit next to him.
He looks at me as I do so.
I put my head on his shoulder and yawn slightly.
I slowly trail off to sleep.
I only feel how he puts a blanket over me and kisses my forehead.
„Sleep well.."