Imperfection

t h r e e

you're the closest to heaven
that I'll ever be
and I don't want to go home right now

____________________

The days went by pretty fast, we trained and ate and slept and trained again. To be honest, I'm completely exhausted by now but I'm ready, ready for the final and ready to face Wolfsburg, and I know the others are as well. I fall to the ground as Emma ends the training, drained from all the extra work I had put myself into. I want to win this game, if it's my last champions league game with Chelsea I want it to be memorable, but right now I feel the tiredness getting the best of me, not only physically but also mentally. I catched Pernille and Magda glancing at me with concern a few times, but they know me well enough to assume what I'm doing and let me be.

,,You look like shit.", I hear a voice say as the person it belongs to sits down next to me. I don't need to take my arms that protect my eyes from the warm yet bright sunshine away to know it's Sam. ,,Overworking yourself again, huh?", she asks, though it was more of a statement. It was something I like to do when I'm overwhelmed, spending hours in the gym until my legs are so wobbly I have to call Mags to come and get me, knowing Pernille would be worrying way too much again. But this time is different, I don't want to make my thoughts go numb like I used to, I just feel like if I leave this club, the club that was a home to me for years, I have to give them what they deserve. It is the least I can do. They all deserve this trophy, and when I leave them behind I at least have to give it to them. I spoke to Pernille, Magda and also Georgia about my plans on leaving and they were all super supportive, but I can't help but doubt everyone will be. I'm scared to go public with my decision, kind of similar to the fear I feel when thinking about coming out. I know some people won't be happy with it and will stop being supportive like they used to be and that doesn't even bother me at all actually, I'm just scared who those people will be. Sam for example is the face of Chelsea, she breaths Chelsea and she lives for it, she's proud of it and I know she'd never leave. So I'm scared of how she'll react, because while I'm so annoyed by her most of the time, she still means a lot to me. She was and is my best friend here, we helped and were there for each other and I don't want to lose her.

I glance at her for a second, the Australian is looking at her phone with a grin not bothered by the sun in any way. ,,Kristie's coming on Saturday!", she exclaims happily and I sigh nearly inaudible. Even if I don't want her to pity me, especially since feeling like shit right now is only my fault, my chest feels slightly heavy at the realization she doesn't seem to care. As if me overworking myself was completely normal by now. I know I don't have the right to be offended in any way, because I am doing this a lot and always complain about being pitied after. Still, now that I do it for her as well in some kind of way, it does hurt a little. But knowing she can't even be aware of this fact, I push the feeling away.

,,That's great, Sam.", I say, forcing a smile on my face as she nods, standing up.

,,Yup. See ya tomorrow dude.", she mumbles, not looking up from her phone as she walks away and leaves me behind, alone with this heavy feeling in my chest. Normally I wouldn't even question her actions in the slightest, knowing she doesn't mean it in a rude way but is just so annoyingly in love with the blonde American, but to today it hurts. A lot, and I can't even make out why.

~•~

It's matchday. And I am shitting myself.

The rest of the week went by in a blur, nobody seemed to notice the way I gave all I had in training, without Pernille, Magda and Emma of course, but I didn't care. I will give everything I have to this game, I will give everything I have to this club, just like I did all these past years. Everything felt normal on the way here, Sam talking about nothing but how we'll kick their asses or how much she misses Kristie, Pernille taking her pre-game-nap on Magda's shoulder, Jessie and Niamh playing a card game as distraction and Guro was silently hearing music in the back, her fingers fidgeting as she tried to calm her nerves. ,,I'll go and speak to Guro very quick, okay?", I asked, as Sam nodded.