Imperfection

e i g h t

that's why we parted
from our ways to heal our souls

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I was sitting in the metro around 9pm. Having spend the rest of the day at Sam's with her, Kristie and Guro, I was left driving home alone. I didn't want to walk and Guro had to drive into a different direction. She had been concerned about not driving me home, but I had convinced her to let me go. Pernille and Magda were at home, but I didn't plan on bothering them this late. They probably thought I was staying over night. See, I don't think I have to explain why I never got my license.

Staring out of the window opposite me, I thought about how the next months will be, not that there has been anything else to my mind these past hours. My three friends had tried their hardest to make me feel better, but even though I forced smiles on my face every here and there, I assumed especially Guro noticed my absent state. I know I wanted to leave, wanted to run away from the familiarity of London and Chelsea, wanted to see and experience new things, but now that the time arrived, I felt the desperate urge to stay. Thinking about sitting in a small apartment all by myself in a foreign country and unfamiliar city didn't sound very likable, especially when you compared it to the evenings I had spent here in London. I remembered the evenings Pernille, Magda and I had spent in front of the TV, all snuggled into each other, a snack in our hands and packed in warm clothes and big blankets. I could feel the warmth coming from their bodies, the heater and the blankets, smell the coconut and bloomy shampoo from either of them and feel the greasyness at my fingers from eating chips. When I closed my eyes I felt myself lying between them, the feeling of absolute comfort. But when I opened my eyes again it was gone, leaving an emptiness I had never felt before. I felt the urge to cry, but there weren't any tears. I felt miserable.

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Aurelia felt miserable. She was sat in an ambulance, watching how the people outside rushed from one spot to another. She had purposely looked away when the firefighters carried her mother away from the small blue car and into a different ambulance, very aware of her mother's death.

,,Can we go?", the firefighter behind me asked as the blonde woman appeared in front of the ambulance before entering. Aurelia didn't know why, but the blonde had insisted on staying by her side. She hadn't said a word to her, and neither had the woman, but Aurelia felt a strange feeling in her chest when the blonde with her. Somehow calm. Aurelia didn't cry, not from pain or sadness. She felt empty, didn't know what to do. So, she was thankful the blonde, that was now sitting besides her, was with her, talking to the people. She seemed to know what she was doing, at least she tried. Aurelia didn't know why the blonde was with her, but in that moment she decided to just be thankful for it.

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I opened the door to our apartment. It felt like a Deja Vu to yesterday afternoon where I came home from meeting up with Jill, being happy about my decision to go to Wolfsburg. I wondered if I would've felt the same before going to Wolfsburg. If it would've been my decision. In summer.

,,Aurie?", Magda whispered as I entered the living area. Pernille was sleeping besides her, curled up to Magda's side. The warm light of a few lamps lit the room, an episode of OUTER BANKS on the TV and snacks on the table. It was the exact scene that I was thinking about earlier, now actually bringing tears into my eyes. Magda noticed of course, welcoming me on her other side and under the blanket. I cried into her side, determined to not wake Pernille up. I could feel Magda's hand soothingly caressing my back. It brought comfort, making the tears stop soon.