Imperfection

t w e n t y f o u r

And I wish I could change,
but I'll probably just stay the same

________________________________________

Anna was innocent. I guess she was even more innocent than I was back then. I watched her for the following days of camp, and if I was being honest to myself she looked absolutely drained. I mean we all were, but that was different. I catched her glancing at me a few times, silently begging me to finally let us talk. But it hurted. It hurted thinking about Jill. I couldn't do it, even though I now know I was just being selfish. Our friend group somehow ended up having to pick sides, because I wasn't able to constantly be with Anna. Niamh had picked me the moment she knew what happened, G as well, and even though Alessia and Ella said they wouldn't pick, you could tell they'd rather come sit at my table than at Anna's. Now that I think about it, it almost breaks my heart, but back then, I just didn't want to understand that I couldn't blame Anna for all this. I couldn't blame anyone. We were all so young, but Anna acted so much better than we did. She was letting us let her down. She was being humble, even though we didn't deserve it. Especially not me. But I guess, after all, I had to thank Georgia once again that I didn't drown in self pity.

,,Aurie.", she said as I quickly rushed out of the changing room, trying to escape Anna just like I did these past days. She followed me down the hallway, further away from the other girls. ,,Aurie.", she repeated and sighing, I came to a stop. I didn't want to hear it, knowing what she was about to say and being very aware of the fact that she was right. I stayed with my back turned to her as she layed her hand on my shoulder. ,,You know she's not to blame." Georgia was crazy, but she wasn't stupid. ,,You know I'll always choose you, Aurie. But please remember what you're doing to her." I felt burning tears in my eyes, I couldn't answer, making her sigh. ,,I spoke with Syd last night, she told me that Jill and Anna are on the very edge of breaking up and I know you're a little blended right now, but I think you know why that is."

,,Hey!" It was Niamh. She came jogging down the hallway to us, her usual grin on her face. ,,Aurie! You wanna call... Jessie...? What's wrong?" Her face fell when she saw mine, even though Niamh often acted more childish, for her and Jessie I'd always be their little sister. I took a deep breath as I pushed the tears away. I knew what I had to do and even though it was way more comfortable to just avoid Anna for the rest of my life, I knew I couldn't. Without Georgia I probably would've ignored that fact, but well, there was no without Georgia.

,,Give me 30 minutes, Niamh." I gave her a tight smile, but she wouldn't let it go.

,,What are you up to?" She raised an eyebrow at me.

,,I'll speak to Anna." Her eyes went wide.

,,I'll come with you!", she quickly said, but I just looked at her. A look that told more than any words ever could.

,,Don't worry, you know how I am. I run away when things get hard.", I shrugged.

,,No, you don't. That's the problem." I winked at her cheekily, and with a last smile to Georgia, I turned to find Anna. I felt guilty for letting this happen, for causing others to blame her for something that she had never been able to control. But I was scared. And maybe also too egoistic to not blame somebody else, even though I knew it was wrong. It's a habit that I still have and I wish I could change it, but it's hard to do that on your own. Luckily though, I wasn't on my own.

I found Anna sitting in the changing room alone as the others had already left, but when I entered she looked up. She blankly watched me sitting down, leaving a little space between us. I didn't know what to say and she was aware of that, but she stayed quiet. This wasn't her apology, it was mine and for a moment, I reminded myself that she still was my friend... somehow.