Imperfection

e l e v e n

and you tell yourself
"it's fine, you're just in love"

_______________________

Almost two weeks passed since that evening. I had settled in, the girls started feeling like family and I felt at home. Well, I guess at some point luck was supposed to stop being on my side. Tomorrow would be my first ever game in red and I was dreading it. Everyone thought I was just nervous to play, but that wasn't it. Something inside me resisted to step on that field tomorrow, resisted to play for this club. I didn't feel good when I woke up, almost nauseous as I thought about having to play the game that I always loved. I had been excited for every single training since I got here, actually everything was fun when I thought about it, but I felt sick when thinking about playing. We'd play Werder Bremen, a club that wasn't hard to win against, making the pressure to score even higher. I could already feel the people's eyes following every single one of my steps, every missed shot or failed pass being a disappointment. Now that I learned to love these people so quickly, I didn't want to disappoint them, but I knew how my mind was shutting off when I got that amount of pressure. It would roam, forcing me to try every single chance to score a goal even though it was definitely not the right decision. People said I could get egoistic on the field, taking all the attention to me as I so desperately wanted to score and wouldn't let my teammates even try, but it wasn't me. I'd be so pressured to score, that every missed chance would make me drive crazy, so at some point I had started letting others do everything, not daring to try and score since that might be a missed chance and disappoint others or seem egoistic because I wouldn't let people try, but in the end that would disappoint people even more, because the wonder kid didn't even try scoring. Maybe you can understand how conflicted I was, so conflicted that my whole body screemed at me to not play. I didn't want to play, it made me feel sick, because I knew whatever I'd do would disappoint people.

I looked up at the sun shining through the curtains just like every other day. The days had gotten longer and warmer, the sun shining almost every day, which was great compared to England. Pernille and Magda would come in the evening today so they could watch the game from the stands. I didn't know if that was supposed to make me feel better or worry me even more.

I got up, forcing my thoughts into last corner of my head and entering the bathroom like usual. Well, they popped right back, letting me zone out completely as I slowly get ready, only noticing how slow when someone tapped on my shoulder. I flinched, immediately seeing Georgia behind me when my eyes finally focused again. Normally I'd be out of the bathroom when she woke up.

,,You're brushing your teeth since like ten minutes now.", she casually explained, looking at my face and open hanging mouth. ,,And you only brushed half your teeth." I quickly closed my mouth at that, spitting the toothpaste out and into the sink before glaring at her.

,,Why the hell are you looking into my mouth?", I complained.

,,It was hanging open.", she reasoned, crossing her arm as she leaned against the door frame. ,,So what's on your mind? Or should I say who? I'm thinking about a certain blonde dutch there.", she smirked. Right. Jill. Jill and I had been calling every day since I got here and I could practically feel myself falling for her more and more. My cheeks flushed red thinking about her. ,,I see.", Georgia said, the smirk deepening.

,,G, what are you doing?", I asked, sceptical as she took her phone out and I catched her opening Instagram, but she just continued to smirk and slowly made her way out of the room. ,,G!"

,,I have a plan!", she grinned, starting to type on her phone.

,,Is it a good one?", I asked, raising her eyebrow as I stepped out of the bathroom and into the small hallway.