Imperfection

t h i r t y

I need to cry,

but I can't get anything out of my eyes

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„It's way to hot in my opinion." Ella complained. We had decided to spend the afternoon at the beach. „I can't even open my eyes because of the sun."

„Shut up." Alessia grabbed a hand full of sand and threw it at her best friend, who had laid down on a towel to tan, making her now shoot up in shock. „I can't believe you'd choose the English weather over the Spanish!"

„It's just too hot", she explained, rubbing the sand of her skin. „My body can't handle it. I'm feeling dizzy." Giving up, she laid back down.

Huffing, Alessia turned to me. „The only one feeling dizzy is Aurie, I suppose.", she smiled at me. „You're being dramatic"

I could almost feel my cheeks turning red. In the past hours I had found myself talking a lot less than usual, feeling so incredibly awkward with Ona around. I couldn't tell where my sudden shyness was coming from, but the Spaniard was making me question and overthink all of my actions, as if she was constantly watching me. Even though she hadn't even looked at me once, still. „I'm alright." I don't think I would've minded her watching. „Ella is right though, let's get into the water! Who's coming with me?", I asked, my eyes landing on Ona, who was tanning as well with her sunglasses on. But she didn't seem like she had even heard me. Instead, Jessie and Niamh got up to join me. The water was slightly cold, but very nice, considering the high temperatures. Soon though, I was once again glancing at Ona from afar, she had sat up and was now talking to the rest of the group. I wondered if maybe she wasn't talking because of me. If maybe I was making her anxious as well.

,,You seem off." I turned my head to look at Jessie, who was raising an eyebrow slightly and tilted her head. ,,I know we haven't seen each other for half a year, but I know you, Aurie." I smiled, my cheeks flushing red. Jessie was such a sweet person.

,,I know." Scrunching up my face, I glanced at the Spaniard once again. ,,It's just...Ona, I don't know what I am doing wrong."

,,I'll punch her up, if she's mean.", Niamh joked, while floating in the water besides us.

,,No need for that.", I chuckled. ,,She was really sweet actually, but now she seems to act like I'm not even present." I could feel the lump in my throat. A pressure inside my chest. I knew this feeling so well, though I had wished for it to not come back so soon. It numbed my body, my mind. It was like someone had taken my batteries out.

„I'm sure you both just need a little more time.", the Canadian smiled softly. And I nodded my head.

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Aurie was almost looking forward to coming home for once. Earlier that day she had heard how her mother had showered and not long after she had received a text message from her, saying they'd spend the afternoon together. It was something special for her, since her mom was struggling so much with addiction, depression and god knows what else, that she barely made it out of bed most days. But as much as Aurie was suffering, she couldn't blame her. They barely had any conversation anymore and if they did, the older woman couldn't even look into her face.

The brunette smiled, opening the door to their apartment. She laid down her keys and took off her shoes. The light was dimmed when she entered the small living room, so she went and opened the window.

„Aurelia..." Aurie turned, but her smile faded as she recognised the lifeless expression on her mother's face. She had dark circles under her eyes, her hair chopped off because she wouldn't have been able to take of it anymore otherwise and her cheekbones so sharp you could only imagine how skinny she must've been under those oversized clothes. „Let's... let's spend the afternoon together, hm?", she was slurring. There was a lump in Aurie's throat, a pressure inside her chest. Oh, how she hated this feeling. She shook her head no, before walking past her mother and inside her room, locking the door. She felt so guilty, at least her mother had tried to spend time with her, but somehow she just couldn't bring herself to let her in. She couldn't even remember how the love of a parent felt and her mother only being able to spend time with her when being drunk was making Aurie feel even more miserable. This wasn't fair, it really wasn't.

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I wasn't thinking about them a lot anymore. I didn't want to. My dad had never tried to reach out to me again and I wondered if he had ever actually cared. If maybe, he had been pleased with me and my mother leaving. When I was younger, there were so many questions roaming in my mind, forcing me to stay awake at night. There were times where I really was affected by it, my insomnia got so bad, that I couldn't bring myself to go to school anymore and didn't have the strength to play football. I don't think I ever recovered from everything, I just forgot. Pushed it away until I could continue with that overwhelming life that I suddenly began living. One day I was basically homeless and the next I was being called a legend. I didn't have the time to process what had happened and now hoped that this part of my life would just stay wherever it went back then.

My head highered when the kitchen door opened, my cheeks flushing red when I saw Ona walking over to the fridge. She took out some lemonade and turned to leave again, before she noticed me. Her eyebrows furrowed in slight concern as she analysed my face. ,,Is everything okay?", she asked, her voice small and soft. She tilted her head as the smile slipped off my face, my shoulders shrugging. Somehow I didn't feel the need to act like everything was alright. Somehow I didn't want to.

I simply nodded my head, not really wanting to use my voice. She had the power to make me go incredibly quiet, admiring her natural beauty and the way she was moving. I didn't know what it was, but something about her just made me feel so intoxicated, sparking my chest with a warm flutter. „You wanna come outside with us?"

After nodding once again, I stood up and awkwardly followed her outside. We sat down with the others and she didn't say another word to me for the whole evening, talking with only those that she already knew. On the other hand I couldn't stop thinking about our interaction. The caring and concerned look on her face was making me think that maybe she didn't hate me. It made me wanting to talk to her again.
I knew that I had a strong tendency to get attached to people that gave me just the right amount of attention and I could only imagine where it was coming from. It had been the same with Jill, but with Ona I didn't mind.

I looked at my phone when I felt it vibrating on my lap. An unsaved number had texted me, but I knew right away who it was.

'What was going on earlier?'

I couldn't help the smile, saving her in my contacts while trying to figure out what to say. I wanted to continue talking to her so bad, but at the same time didn't want her to think I was just seeking attention.

me: 'Same as always. Just a lot going on at the moment'

ona: 'hm, do you want to talk about it?'

I felt my heart stopping for a second, my cheeks heating up. She did care.

me: 'maybe, but not yet, okay?'

ona: 'of course, take your time''

ona: 'I'm here for you, if you ever need someone'

It caught me off guard. I hadn't expected her to be like this, but I loved every part of it.

me: 'I will'

me: 'thank you'

*ona liked your message*

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kussi

bye babes, slay the day