I was so lucky, so successful. Footballers always seemed to be that perfect role model, the people kids looked up to. But every single one of them had and has their own battles to fight and their own experiences to make. Love, adrenaline or passion...
I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live like this I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel something really real, so that I can really feel like a person again ______________________
You remember how this emptiness inside me happened once before already? After my mother died, I fell into a darker version of myself, never depressed or close to suicide, but just completely dead inside. I was a happy person, but then I felt nothing. Pernille, Emma and Magda gave me what I needed to get out of that place. So you might guess what I did next.
I hadn't looked at my phone as long as we were in Wolfsburg. I was just not present. When we finally got home though, I grabbed it and went through all my messages. It seemed like everyone had noticed my absent state, Chelsea fans hating on Emma to let me go here. They thought Bayern was the reason for me being so unhappy and it left me feel absolutely guilty. I was quick to post something, the first actual post from Bayern besides the barbecue story weeks ago. I always used to post quite a lot, it left the fans worrying.
(Imagine klara being aurie and arsenal being Wolfsburg)
@aradley6
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The only place I want to be at right now❤️🩹 This team is something special and I couldn't ask for more. #miasanmia
It felt like something I had to do. To let people know this isn't Bayern's fault. Still, I switched to WhatsApp and texted Pernille. I knew I needed her, at least the comfort she brought me. I wanted to smell her coconut scent again, hug her and just feel okay again, but she wasn't here. She had texted me several messages, asking if I was alright. I felt guilty for letting her wait, for worrying her because I knew how she was. It wasn't fair. She shouldn't have to worry about me when I actually was an adult.
Aurelia: I'm sorry that I didn't answer. Can you maybe call? [Delivered]
,,Aurie!" Georgia came into my room. ,,Common, teammeeting.", she smiled, knowing exactly how I loved spending time with the girls. I almost cracked a smile, but something inside me stopped it. I didn't know why, but it did. We got up and slid into the car with Syd, Mala and Klara, the atmosphere tensed and I knew it was because of me. I felt slightly better, now that we were away from Wolfsburg and Jill, but it still hurted, my eyes still constantly welled up and my head ducked in. No one dared to actually say something, because besides Georgia they all didn't know me like this. ,,So, in some weeks is national break, you all excited?", she asked, bringing smiles onto all their faces. I knew what she was doing. Georgia didn't plan on letting me fall into that darker place, she brutally pushed me into continuing living. It felt brutal, because all I wanted was hiding in my bed and never getting out of it again, knowing outside are people that care and wait for me. That's what I did years ago, but I knew it didn't take me anywhere. Somehow the attention I was getting because of all this felt good, but I knew it shouldn't. So even though it pushed me far away from my comfort zone, I knew I didn't want to be a person that craves other's attention so I decided I'd try and live on. Move on. That was until my phone dinged and I saw a message popping up on my screen.
