Deviate | Levi Ackerman x OC

Ch. 22

"I think how much I'd come to care about you scared me," I practically whispered. "Caring for someone else so deeply after losing one of the few pillars in my life so far is really intimidating."
I was looking at my hands as I spoke. It caught me off guard when Levi reached across and held them in his. I wanted to melt right into my seat.
"I'm so sorry. I'm making it sound like I have some monopoly on grief when you've more than experienced heavy loss of your own, too."
He rubbed circles on the back of my hand with his thumb and pondered before speaking. "Loss is a daily occurrence around here. We both just happened to get hit a little closer in addition to everything else. But we... promised we'd see each other through it."
"Pinky promised," I remembered out loud. "We pinky swore we'd see each other to the other side."
"It's usually my signature to push people away, but you've shown me how much being on the receiving end of that completely sucks. I'll remember that going forward."
I laughed quietly and took my hands from his, bringing them up to hold onto either side of my head. "I was equal parts anticipating and terrified of having this conversation, ya know. Then I was kicking myself for setting it up post-mission... just in–"
Levi cut me off by reaching to grab the leg of my chair and pulled me over as close as our seats would allow. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you not to do that."
My heart felt like it was going to leap right out of my chest; I've had more than my fair share of my emotions scaring people away (or removing them before they could), yet here he was bringing me closer despite my inner turmoil. "I-I'm sorry. For everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you how sorry."
"Hey," he grabbed me by my chin and forced me to face him straight on. My breath hitched in my throat at his touch. "That's enough of that. There's nothing we can do about it now – only whatever is going to come going forward."
I quickly studied his features as we were in such close proximity now. His expression was unassuming, but his eyes were softer, more sympathetic somehow. Despite being a rather disgruntled person overall, he was demonstrating the patience of a saint as I worked through this, whatever this was. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him but I begrudgingly decided against it.
"So," I finally spoke up. "What does happen now?"
I watched him do a slow glance over my face, lingering on my lips, and wondered if he'd always been so blatant about that or if it was more obvious at our current closeness. "I would say that's your call. I would never push anything."
"I want you," I mustered up the courage to put out there, feeling my stomach drop as soon as I did. "If you'll still have me after all of this – and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. But labels and specifics and any pressures aside, I just want you."

That seemed to open the flood gates then, as Levi closed what little space existed between us still and kissed me with a passionate intensity. I felt his hand at the back of my neck and reached for him, too, running my fingers over his undercut and into his hair. I felt his tongue along my bottom lip and let him in without contest. Kissing him always seemed to have this vehemence behind it. I was sure he was capable of pecks and other simple forms of affection, but something about these underlying and unaddressed feelings probably kicked the neediness of these ones up a few notches.
My heart was pounding in my ears. It was like no matter how into this we got, I yearned for more, to somehow be even closer, and could feel heat building from my core. The last couple times we started getting carried away, I had been the one to bring it to a pause. But after having all these feelings realized and knocking down what had become such a major roadblock between us, I didn't really see a need to pump the brakes as it heated up. I wasn't sure of many things right now, but one thing I did know was that he was all I wanted at the end of this.
You could imagine my shock when it ended up being Levi who abruptly broke our locked lips. I gasped at the swift motion, bringing myself back down to earth. He continued his hold on me, steadying his own breathing too and looking into my eyes.

"Look, Ace," he let out with a pant. "This doesn't– we don't need to do this."
I was sure my clueless expression gave away my thoughts. I opened my mouth to speak but the words wouldn't come out.
"Easy," he quickly followed up as if he could read my mind, moving one of his hands up to cradle my face. "I just meant that this has been a lot to get through tonight. We can worry about anything else later if you want."
If I had only ever seen him in a work setting, I'd never guess someone as relatively antisocial and harsh as Levi Ackerman had this in him, this unparalleled patience and understanding for others on top of everything he manages of his own. I appreciated his consideration of my feelings after this emotional exchange, but I had the exact opposite goal in mind: after unloading that heavy burden from my shoulders, all I wanted to do was focus on rebuilding our relationship – whatever that looked like, in every way possible.
"I told you what I want," our chairs were as close together as they could physically get but it was still too far. "I want you."
I leaned forward, wanting desperately to communicate my resolve but also wanting to be as considerate of his sentiments as he'd been of mine. I gently pressed my lips to his cheek before making my way almost too slowly down his neck. His skin smelled like soap, musk, and cedar; it was intoxicating and though it wasn't overly fragrant from afar, it was the kind that would linger on his clothes if he ever went without immediately washing them. Levi inhaled sharply when I reached his collarbone and I felt his fingers knot in my hair. He pulled me backwards a bit by that hand, delivering a delightful stimulation and allowing me to face him again.
"Are you sure?" He forced out, his delivery more uneven than usual.
I grabbed him just firmly enough by the jaw and held his gaze. "Completely and without question."