Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

T H R E E

The sun disappeared behind the trees, and the air was a little cooler than half an hour ago. When I think about the past, my stomach contracts, on the other hand, I am also relieved. I mean, Lewis apologised, told me that he never thought I was a cheap bitch. But we didn't clarified what that was or is between us, what somehow didn't make the whole thing any easier.

In order to enjoy the time at least for a few moments, I banished all these negative thoughts and pushed them aside to be able to concentrate fully on Lewis, who had just managed to light a fire.
The initially small flames grew bigger and bigger the longer it burned. Cracking, the sparks rose, and I thought back to the evening I sat here with my friends. We had fun, we laughed together and everything was okay, somehow. And now I'm sitting here with Lewis, laughing and just feeling light.
I would like to spend every free minute of my life with him, grow old with him and never let him go out of my life again. Oh God, Liv! Pull yourself together, you just got along again! My inner voice pushed out and I flinched.

She was right, I should stop thinking about a future that I will never have like that. Not with Lewis and no one else. As hard as that sounds, but it's the truth...
With these thoughts I had to swallow, they hurt, like a slap in the belly. Why couldn't I just be a normal girl who plans her future without being overtaken by reality to die anyway? Damn, that's all I want!

„I have to go for little princesses for a moment..." I explained and rose from the tree trunk. With the intention to briefly clear my head, I went a bit into the forest. I wasn't allowed to destroy myself from something like that this evening. I had to push my damn thoughts aside and stop thinking about what isn't yet. Can this be so difficult? I certainly ran for ten minutes until I eventually got back to the edge of the forest. However, I didn't see Lewis anywhere. A look into the distance told me that I probably chose the wrong exit and am now about one hundred and fifty metres further back than before. I briefly shook my head before I made my way back to Lewis across the meadow.

The grass brushed my legs and rustled a little when I walked through this with big steps. At some point, the Briton noticed me and turned to me. He got up with a wide grin on his face.

„Where have you been?" When I heard him call, his words were devoured by the dim darkness of the forest. Until I had travelled halfway, the older one has already pulled out his phone and when it looked like he was filming me, I turned elegantly a few times. But suddenly it was not only me who turned, but everything around me and I wavered to the side.

Fuck, what is that? I thought so for myself, but I just kept going, the dizziness didn't weaken. Quite the contrary, even. My heart began to pump like wild and threatened to jump out of my chest at any moment while I slowly ran on. Calm down, Liv. Everything is okay! I told myself internally, over and over again, after which my condition calmed down a little and I started sprinting. However, this only lasted a few seconds before a stabbing pain spread in my chest. It had become incredibly familiar to me in recent weeks.

I stopped abruptly and led my hand to my heart. My breath weighed heavily, with the other hand I leaned against my thigh, but it didn't help.

„Everything okay?" I heard Lewis ask loud, his voice seemed more and more distant to me, but I just nodded and straightened up again. You just made a little too much effort... I talked to myself, and continued running, this time at a slightly slower pace. „Everything's okay!" I answered him so as not to unsettle him. However, I was more than wrong with it, much more than that.

Again dizziness danced behind my forehead, my heart raced and dark clouds of fog sat down on my field of vision. Everything blurred in itself before I involuntarily fell to my knees and felt my legs give way under me. I only saw Lewis, who set in motion and rushed towards me. I saw his mouth moving, but without sound and I felt the more or less hard ground under me, which did not give way when I fell on it. Then darkness. Pitch black silence.

Gradually I got warmer again and I started blinking. Blurred outlines became familiar forms when I came back to myself. Less than thirty centimetres from my face, I saw the vague silhouette of Lewis, which directly conjured up a stone from my heart. Rarely have I been so happy to see him as I was now. Because he made me feel safe, as if my fate could not harm me, as if nothing in this world could hurt me.

Carefully he stroked a few hair behind my ear, with his cold hand touching my cheek slightly. Immediately I was covered by thick goosebumps, which certainly did not go unnoticed. „Everything okay?" His worried look went deep into me and I almost felt naked as he looked at me. As if he could read every word from my eyes before it even stepped over my lips.

I nodded shyly and then sat down. The Briton helped me get up, together we went back to the fire, which meanwhile provided quite a lot of heat.

„Since when, do you actually know that?" Lewis eventually broke the silence that lay over us. I swallowed, in his eyes I saw exactly what he meant without him saying it. On the spot, I got ice cold again, why did he have to ask that now?

His gaze continued to stick to me while I turned mine away. With a small stick, I poked in the mulchy ground just to avoid his eyes. „Liv, answer me..." His voice sounded cool, somehow distant, which unsettled me. „For two years..." I finally pressed out, at the same time the small branch broke in my fingers and I dropped the broken parts.

To pronounce these words was like an admission for myself. For two damn years I had to live with the knowledge of dying. Two years in which this fate haunts me every step of the way. Two years in which I didn't tell anyone about it. And now he knew it, I had told Lewis when I was drunk, and deeply regret it.

My hands were deaf and I buried them in the belly pocket of my hoodie, still focussing on the floor. „And why didn't you tell me earlier?" I shrugged my shoulders awkwardly. But what should I tell him if I didn't really know it myself? „I think, uhm I... I don't know." I lowered my head, didn't want to look Lewis in the face, because I knew I would perish under his eyes.

„You didn't intend to tell me, did you?" Disappointment swung in his tone and he was right. Of course I didn't intend to tell him, but what would that have changed? He can't help me, nobody can do that and in the worst case he would have ended the contact early. Even if that doesn't make any difference in retrospect, because what we had doesn't exist anymore anyway, but the sole thought of losing him early causes me a bellyache. After all, I still love him, I will always do that, I'm pretty sure...