Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

F O R T Y T H R E E

The hot water immediately allowed my muscles to relax. The idea to take a bath was really brilliant, that was exactly what I needed now: A hot bathtub with a lot of foam, relaxed atmosphere and of course the most important thing, with Lewis.

„What do you actually want for your birthday, babe?" Lewis asked at some point while he painted some things on my back with his finger. „Hm.." I thought. Actually, the only thing I wanted was a happy life with Lewis... One in which we don't argue, don't have to worry about any things and especially one in which we grow old together, that's all I didn't want.

„I don't know..." I shrugged my shoulders, honestly I've always been bad at something like that. „There is certainly something you would like to have, or not?" Lewis stopped and started a new drawing. His wet fingers slid gently over my back and left a pleasant burning on my skin.

„I want my mom back..." I meant at some point and didn't know why I said that myself. But it was the truth. I missed her so much, and I would do anything to have her back with me. Unfortunately, I could not fulfil this wish with any money in the world. If I could, I would certainly have done it a long time ago, but it just doesn't work.

„Oh Liv..." Lewis murmured and put his head on my shoulder. „I wish I could fulfil this wish for you, but-" I interrupted him. „No, Lewis. It's okay, really. I just miss her so much, and sometimes I just wish she was still here..." My gaze was lost in the small foam bubbles that swam on the water surface. They glued to my skin, my arms, my legs. Some bursted and some didn't. And if you looked long enough, you might even be able to recognise abstract forms in them.

„I know... And I also know that I can't give you the kind of love she should give you, but maybe it will still help you if I tell you that I am always here for you. If there is anything, you can always come to me... And I would also relieve you of the pain if I could, but maybe we can share it...? We'll go through it together, okay?" I nodded understandingly and then leaned against Lewis' chest with a sigh. „Thank you, Lewis. But I think I have to go through this alone..." As sad as that sounded, it was the truth. The only one who could go through this with me would be my father, but he doesn't want that. I feel how distant our relationship is, and instead of working on it, he only expands the distance further. At least subconsciously. Externally, everything seems to be fine, we talk to each other and argue less. But as soon as we speak about my heart, he is different. I feel how memories come up in him, fears and worries. But of course he would never admit that. Simply because he is a fucking stubborn who never admits anything...

„Then I'll stand behind you and catch you if you fall. But you're not all alone..."

I had to laugh when suddenly a strange thought came to me. „You are a shitty liar. The only reason you want to stand behind me is so that you can look at my pretty ass." This one sat. I turned to Lewis, who only grinned at me dirty. „That's how you can formulate it too..." What an idoit, I just thought before I climb out of the bathtub. I wrapped myself in one of the two cotton towels and saw then back to Lewis. „More than looking wouldn't be in it anyway, so enjoy the sight." I threw the other towel at him and then went back to my room, ignoring the things he called after me and instead looked for a T-shirt out of the closet.

Later, when we were in bed together, I reviewed the day again. I thought about the things I didn't tell Lewis. That I was dancing, that I kept going - and finally exaggerated. I thought about what could have happened. And I knew it could have ended differently, but that didn't really interest me. I only saw the good things. I saw what I wanted to see, I ignored the rest.

In the end, I banished any thought of what-were-if questions in a dark corner of my brain. I didn't want to face or think about them. Because I don't know how to face them, how I could justify what I did today. I had no idea, but maybe also because there is no justification. A normal-thinking person would not do such a thing, jeopardise his life to test how far you can go.

But I'm not normal either, I've known that for a long time, but it still doesn't make sense. And that's exactly the problem: It doesn't make sense. I don't understand why I have the urge to do what I do. I just can't help it. It is as if I were no longer me, as if the part of my brain that can assess and weigh the consequences was switched off. I was only focussed on the adrenaline, I wanted to feel it shooting through my veins. I wanted to feel how it fills me with life, nothing more.

But maybe it wasn't that either... Maybe the thing about the adrenaline was not all and I just tried to hold on to something because the real reason why I did that was so ridiculous and pathetic at the same time.
What if I just want to prove it to everyone. My dad, my mother, Lewis, and last but not least myself. What if I want to prove to us that I am strong enough to finally show everyone that I can take care of myself and don't need anyone to reach out his hand to me? Would that be possible?

Probably this variant would be the more logical one, even if I liked it half as much. Actually, I didn't want to admit that the others are right when they say that I have to be careful. I wanted to convince myself that I am right if I want to do that. But actually, deep inside, I knew that I didn't. I was wrong, but I still repressed these thoughts and kept trying to belive something else...