Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

T W E N T Y S E V E N

At first I thought I had interrogated myself, but that wasn't the case. And when I realised that, my world collapsed in itself. He couldn't just send me away, he's all I have...

„No, Lewis, please don't!" I begged, my voice trembled. „Please don't do that, not again. You can't just send me away, I need you..." Thick tears culminated over my face, what did I just done? „But I don't need you if I can't trust you..."

Wow, that's it. So that was the end of such an exciting story, the end of our story. How could just a few words destroy something like this...? I heard my heart burst into millions of small pieces, while Lewis just stood there and did nothing. He looked at me, suddenly he felt so different to me. None emotions anymore, the anger, the hatred, the love, the pain. Nothing was there anymore, his eyes were just empty.
No one said anything for moments.

Suddenly I didn't feel like I could defend myself anymore. The strength to convince Lewis to stay with me was gone. There was only one possibility at that moment, and it was so terrible that I hated myself to choose it.

„Okay..." I finally said that the silence broke like a jumping glass in my ears. I took off his sweater and put it on the floor. Instead, I picked up mine, it was still wet from the rain, but I didn't care. I rolled it over my head, at that moment I didn't really care about a lot.

„Maybe you're right and it's better that way..." With these words I turned to go, I couldn't believe what just happened.

Lewis didn't say anything anymore, he just watched me walk through the door and finally disappeared behind it. As soon as I was outside, I heard something smashed, it sounded like rattling glass or porcelain, but I didn't turn around anymore.

I didn't feel anything when I close the garden gate behind me. I didn't feel anything as I wandered through the streets without knowing where I was going. I felt anger when I realised that it was all my father's fault. It would never have happened if he had just left me at my old school, with my old friends. It never should have ended like this, but it did. And now I'm here, all alone and don't have anyone anymore....

I tore open the door from our house and wanted to go straight into my room when I suddenly stood opposite my father. „It's all your fucking fault!" I yelled at him, he looked at me completely enthusiastically. „Just because you can't fucking keep out of my life! And now everything's destroyed, you know?!" My counterpart was completely surprised, he didn't understand in the slightest what it was about. But I was just too angry to explain anything. „Calm down first and tell me what happened..." He wanted to take my arm, but I tore it away.

„You, you happened!" I screamed, he froze into himself. „You destroyed everything! Lewis broke up with me because of you, because of you and this shitty operation, which I won't fucking do!" I didn't say another word before I ran up the stairs.

As fast as possible I close the bathroom door behind me and had already turned the key over in the lock when I fell against it. The whole house wobbled, but I was so infinitely angry. Angry and sad at the same time.

Whenever I think everything is perfect, something happens and destroys everything again. I just didn't understand. With one sentence, my life suddenly no longer made sense. And it was so infinitely unfair... The realisation hit me like a bomb. It was one fucking sentence that was enough to end everything. Could it really have been so unimportant for him that one sentence was enough to put an end to it?

I just couldn't and didn't want to believe that. The pain in his eyes when we stood there and said nothing, he could not possibly have faked this. I had actually been pretty sure until just now, but now, when I think about it again, I don't really know what makes me so sure. I mean, it wouldn't have been the first time he faked emotions and feelings to hurt me...

God - why did it have to hurt so much? Why did everything that he does destroy me so much? Why did he have to do such a thing to me at all? Was I really so easy to hurt for him, didn't he mind seeing me suffer?

Crying I sat there. I felt so miserably empty, powerless and completely exhausted. I couldn't do more than cry, sob bitterly and watch my life break down.

In front of my eyes they lay there, the shards of my heart, spread out on the floor, but I did not manage to collect them. There were too many, they were too small and their edges were so sharp that you would cut yourself on them...

One time I just sat there and looked motionless on the rubble. Especially now that everything was slowly healed, it had to be destroyed again. That wasn't fair, what did I deserve this with? Suddenly so many questions appeared in my head that took me the place to breathe. So many things I had tried to displace were suddenly back, and they completely overwhelmed me.

The more I thought about what happened the more I realised that it was basically my fault. I should never have concealed the truth from Lewis. No, actually I should never have gotten involved with him, because I knew that he would hurt me sooner or later. I should never have given him that importance in my heart, which makes it possible for him to destroy everything at once. And I should never have trusted him... I knew all this, it was so clear to me, but I had to give him and a second chance. He used these and smashed my heart a second time on the floor.

I was just too blind, too naive to check that it just doesn't work with us. He was poison for me from the beginning, but instead of leaving when I could, I became addicted. Like a drug, he destroyed me more and more without me even realising it. And now it's too late. Now I'm sitting here, slowly but surely bleeding out and wondering if I'm better than him at all. Probably not, but does that even matter now? It's too late anyway, I can't change the fact that I lied to him, but maybe it's better that way...

Perhaps this is the only way we can finally realise that we do not belong together. And even if it doesn't feel like it at all, even if he was the one who filled the void in me, maybe it should just be like that.

Now I knew that our love was not strong enough to survive that too. Now I realised that the exam drove us to the edge of the cliff, but instead of being strong enough not to fall, we did just that. We were torn into the depths and lost ourselves whilst falling...

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So that's the next chapter, I hope you liked it :)
See you xoxo