Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

F I F T Y|E P I L O G U E

... I was no longer there. All that remained was my lifeless body in Lewis' arms.

It is said that the last moment before death is the one in which you relive your whole life in time lapse. And that's exactly how it was... Scenes took place like a movie in front of my inner eye. The first moment of my life I can remember. I played hide and seek with my mother and laughed as I frightened her. Of course, now I knew that she only pretended she was scared so that I was happy, but I didn't know that earlier. Then my fourteenth birthday, the last one with my mother. The next one should never be like it used to be. I saw the first meeting from Lewis and me. The squeaky tires, the sound of the brakes, it felt like it had happened yesterday. Our first kiss, our first fight, the broken vase. I saw everything shooting past me and wondered if I could ever have changed anything..?

What would have happened if Lewis and I had met differently, or maybe not at all? What would it have changed? I didn't know the answers to my questions, but I knew I didn't have to live with not knowing the answers anymore. And somehow that felt good.

I looked at Lewis and me one last time. My chest moved only very weakly, it suddenly weighed tons. My eyelids became heavier and heavier and hardly left some light in the gloomy pupils. I felt my heart pounding, calmly. Second by second I heard the heart valves throbbing. Then everything blurred into itself and I closed my eyes. My heart made a jump and beat every four seconds. Five times, maybe six times, until it weakened more and more, and finally remained completely away. At that moment I let go. But Lewis continued to hold me tight, the body that once belonged to me.

His sobbing was lost in infinity, while I disappeared too. And then, at that moment, I saw how the display of my phone became brighter. It must have slipped out of my pocket somehow, because it was lying next to me on the couch. My father called me. I had internet, but no, I'm sorry, Dad, I couldn't answer anymore. It was too late...

I watched my lips colour turned from blood red to rosa, how my glowing cheeks faded and at some point there was nothing but silence. So that's it. That was the bitter ending. That was my end. And although I never wanted it to be true, deep inside, I always knew that it would turn out like this.

*

Today was a special day, because it was my birthday. The day I've waited for eighteen years was today. I'm finally an adult, but unfortunately, I'm no longer there to celebrate that. Strictly speaking, I never turned eighteen because I died six days ago. I left before I was even allowed to grow up. This world is really unfair, so damn unfair and I couldn't change anything about it.

Lewis thought the same way when he stood in front of my grave and thought about what to say. The flower wreaths were still fresh, bloomed in the most colourful colours, which made the sight even worse than it already was. It could have been so beautiful, he thought and kneeled down. With his fingers he stroked over the small picture of the girl that was once his little sunshine, which was in the middle of the wreath.

„Oh, Liv..." Tears gathered in his eyes, a slight smile played around his lips, but as quickly as this had come, it disappeared again and you could see the grief in each of his facial features.

Thick tears circled over his cheeks. „Why can't you just be here...? I miss you so much..." With the back of his hand, he wiped them away, but it made no difference, because the next ones immediately followed. They continuously poured over his cheeks And at some point he didn't wipe them away either. There were just too many, far too many. Each stood for a word he wanted to say, but could not pronounce. For things that burned in his heart and destroy him from the inside. Because the pain is so unbearable, and it feels like he will never leave again and drag him into this hole forever...

„I miss you so much, why can't you just come back? Why did you have to go at all? What about the plans we made? We wanted to experience so much together, and now you're just gone? That can't be, that's not possible." He took a break, hoped she would answer him but actually he knew that this would not happen. She would never answer him again, because she was simply no longer there. And she wouldn't come back either, no matter how much he wanted it.

„I'm just so incredibly sorry..." Again, tears dripped from his face and he could not suppress a sobbing. „I just shouldn't have pushed you away when you called me. I should have helped you when you needed my help. But I don't have, and you're right. I'm really a shitty asshole, and now I can't even do it well..." He buried his face in his hands because it was just so unbearable. The realisation that he can never apologise again for the things he did. To know that he can't change the situation anymore, it was terrible.

„I should never have let you get out of this damn car... Then all this might not have happened. It's my fault, Liv. And I'm so infinitely sorry..." He felt how the guilty conscience destroyed him from within. Slow and agonising. „If I had known that it was the last time we talked to each other, I wouldn't have ignored you, but told you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. But I can't do that anymore. You're gone forever, and I really don't have a plan how to do it without you..." He wiped tears off his cheeks, tried to be strong. For her, for hisself, so as not to break under the pain. But actually he has done that long ago. He was already broken since the moment he knew she was not coming back. When he held her lifeless body in his arms, felt how she was only the empty shell of herself. No more warmth, no more love, only the remnants of the person he has loved over everything in this world.

For a while he sat there, whimpered quietly and hoped that the pain would get better. But it won't. You will never get used to missing someone you love, we are never willing to accept that...
And he knew that, he knew she would never come back. But in his imagination they would be together forever...

„I just love you so much, sweetheart. And I know you're fine up there, your mom is there and takes care of you..." He looked up, at the same moment two butterflies flew past him and sat down on one of the flower wreaths. „Immortal soul, isn't it..." He had to smile and then scrammed her chain out of his pocket.

For a moment he just looked at the glittering butterfly pendant, remembered what it looked like when she wore it. Then he closed his hand with the chain, pressed it onto the place where his heart lay and closed his eyes. For a ridiculously short moment, his world was fine. But then, when he opened his eyes again and looked on the little picture of her, he knew that it would probably never be okay again.
But he knew that she would be with him forever and observe him from a very special place..

„Happy birthday my little girl..." Were the last words before he got up and went home. However, she remained, forever...

~End~

* * *

Wow, so that's the end. Not only the end of this book, but also the end of an era, as some of you have said... I can hardly put into words what it feels like to publish this last chapter. This book (part 1/2) has become a constant companion for me over the last six months and thus also my little baby... I never expected to reach so many people who share the joy of it with me, but what can I say? I am so infinitely grateful to each and every one of you! For taking the time to read this book, writing me the greatest comments - and always supported me. I love you all, feel hugged <3
Your Annpakki!!!

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