Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

S I X

The last week of vacation passed me by and suddenly it was Thursday. It is really remarkable how much the words I'm sorry, can change. Since Lewis apologised to me, I've been feeling so much better, and I don't spend every free minute banishing him in hell for the things he said. Quite the contrary, even. I'm glad he apologised and we approached a bit again. On the other hand, it still hurts to realise that it will no longer be as it once was. I miss the proximity to him. I miss waking up next to him, and I miss wearing the T-shirts with his smell. The best smell I know...

My father's voice tore me involuntarily out of my divergent thoughts. „So..." He closed the trunk of the car and then approached me again to say goodbye. „Please don't tear my house, okay?" He grinned and hugged me. „Of course, Dad..." I rolled my eyes and couldn't help smiling.

„Call me sometimes. I'll be back Monday at noon, okay?" I noddled and then send him to the car. „Now go..." I waved to him as he drove out of the driveway and then went back to the house.

As my dad made his way to the next race, I thought about what to do now. The weather was mediocre and I was home alone. Actually, one would have to think that these were the perfect conditions for a relaxing weekend, but that was not the case. Tomorrow I made an appointment with Marco at the opera, on Saturday I have nothing planned and on Sunday, the last day before school starts again, I will prepare accordingly. The thirteenth school year will be the last and I don't feel like high school exams already...

Cuddled up in a cosy jogging suit, I enjoyed the peace and quiet and the cloudy weather. In the evening, my father tells me that he had now landed in Russia. We talked for a short while before he went to sleep, due to the time difference it was already an hour later there than here. I spent the rest of my time until eleven scrolling through my phone and then put myself to sleep.

*

The next three days came and went and before I knew it, I had my first day of school behind me. Somehow the thought of being in the last school year was still quite unreal. I had more than enough time to realise that life is now really getting serious. And I became even more aware of this when I ran out of the doctor's office in the afternoon. He had told me how serious it is.

The sun was shining and the sky was blue. Everything was immersed in late summer colours and radiated. But I couldn't identify with that. Not today, not now. Now that everything was so beautiful, when I'm with Lewis, where I had my first day of school behind me, right now, reality had to catch up with me and ruin everything... That's unfair, absolutely unfair?! The desperate thoughts rushed into my ears as I ran home. I didn't take anything from what happened around me and I didn't feel anything. My fingers were deaf when I pressed down the door handle of our entrance door.

Then everything broke on me. The reality, in its full intensity, it breaks down on me and I felt the hollow pain in my chest. And then I looked into the eyes of my father, who had just appeared in the entrance area. Pain burned in his eyes as he looked into mine, where tears were already gathering.

„Four months..." Was everything I somehow brought together before the first tear culminated over my cheeks. My father's arms enclosed my trembling body. Four fucking months, my life is supposed to last... That was ridiculous, completely paradoxical, considering that today I thought about my Abitur exams, which would be in nine months. And now a doctor tells me that it should still be four damn months that I live? God, life can be so unfair. So cursed unfair...

The key slid out of my hand and fell to the ground clinking. My heart broke with the same noise. It disintegrated into a thousand parts, the bitter reality had destroyed it. Crushed in the air when it just started to heal. But that's just how it was, life... Hard and unfair, isn't it?

After this extremely sobering doctor's visit, I moved into my room and crawled under my blanket. I would like to suffocate this hollow pain in my chest, somehow endure it, but somehow it didn't work. And suddenly the pain turned into bitter anger. I was just so angry, so infinitely angry. Angry at me, at this doctor who actually can't help it, and angry with the rest of the world. I burned inside and this feeling was even worse than the pure pain.

I wanted to escape my fate, somehow, but it was impossible...

Completely perplexed, I peeled out of the blankets and ran into the bathroom. As soon as I had closed the door behind me, I fell against it and it completely raced into the castle. God, why did it hurt so much? When Lewis broke my heart, I thought it was the worst pain I could ever feel. As if every subsequent humiliation, everything we have experienced together, tear a piece of my heart apart, gradually... But this one, this was worlds worse. Well, maybe you can't compare these two things either, but I wasn't able to judge them right now. All I knew was that it hurt, burned hellishly and made me angry. Because the pain, the anger I feel now, I can't blame anyone else for it. Not even myself, because it was something that was in the hands of someone. It was just like that. And the hope that it could be different, the hope that I could get well and get a donor heart, was so ridiculously low that my strength to wait for it was simply not enough.

I simply had no strength to bear the precipitation of such a disappointment. Too often I wanted to hope and believe in it, and was then disappointed. Far too often...

I scrambled my hair and ran up and down on the tiles. Then I stopped, looked at the figure in the mirror. I only perceived myself vaguely, because my vision was undermined tears, but I still recognised the disaster without any problems. I looked so terrible, so infinitely terrible that I was ashamed to be myself. My lips were red, swollen and my skin pale. What had become of me... What had happened to this strong girl, which has not been defeated by anything? Where had that Liv disappeared, who simply lived her life, no matter how bad the future seemed? How could I get lost on my way?

Questions about questions and I didn't have a single answer, which made the anger in me even greater.
Before I could even begin to realise what I did, my fist hit the mirror in front of me. The pain that now passed through my hand brought me back to the real world and I realised what I had done. But it left me cold.

The fragile material had broken under my force. The shards were everywhere. In the sink, on the floor. Who had I become? Someone who destroys things when the power to think is lacking out of anger and pain? Someone who can't deal with the truth? That was all thats left from this Liv that I once was. And why all this? Because I have become weak. I have become weak for him. For Lewis, the man I hated so much. And there he was again. He haunted my head like nothing else. And no matter what bad happened in my life, he always had something to do with it. Always.

But who do I tell? I knew for myself that it was a mistake to leave him in my heart at all. And maybe it was also a mistake to forgive him. Because that meant that I was weak again. And I didn't want to be weak, no, I wasn't allowed to be weak.

But I also knew, just as well that I could never resist him - that I could never stay away from him. But these were things that would sooner or later plunge me into death. Again...

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