Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

F O R T Y F O U R

So the days passed without me even realising it.

Some things probably never change, I thought, while I waited in the waiting room until I got called. This time my father was there, he had insisted on it, because it was the preliminary examination for the operation and then things will be clarified in this regard. And although I didn't really want my dad to know all this, I was happy to have him with me. He gave me a sense of security, besides, he was still my father, and I knew he would be there for me if something was.

In the end, we spent over three hours in this hospital, only to get confirmed that everything is okay so far, I don't have to worry and we have an appointment for the operation. February twenty-second, so in four weeks.
Actually, it couldn't have been better, so Lewis and I don't have to cancel our planned trip to Mailand, and I wouldn't have to be in the hospital on my birthday.

As soon as we were back home, I called Lewis. It beeped once, twice and the third time he was on the line. „Hey, honey! Is everything okay?" I threw myself on the bed and affirmed his question. „The doctor said that everything is great and we don't have to worry..." My gaze flew outside. With my eyes I followed the snowflakes as they flew against my window and melted there. „That's, that's great! Did he also say anything about the operation?" I turned on my stomach, twisted a strand of hair between my fingers and told Lewis what the doctor told me before.

We talked for a while until Lewis finally hung up to do a few more things. And to be honest, that was actually quite okay for me, because I also had plans to finish the day.

„I'll bring Lewis a few things he forgot here yesterday!" I called into the living room before I went to put on my shoes. Of course, there was no stuff from Lewis in the bag, but I couldn't tell my father that I'm going to the studio to dance there. And admittedly, I was also sorry to lie in his face like that, but that was the only way he didn't know about it.

In order not to give my guilty conscience a louder voice, I just tried to convince myself further that that was okay. The doctor didn't find anything, it's all good, so what's supposed to happen? I told myself that again and again. What is supposed to happen? It can't be that bad. Besides, I am stronger than this stupid illness, I'm stronger than anyone who tells me I'm not. These words repeated again and again in my head as I went through the dance steps.

Suddenly I felt alive, I felt valuable and above all I felt just good. Knowing to prove the others the opposite of what they say is powerful. But I didn't realise that I didn't do more than lie to myself. I was far too trapped in my conviction that I no longer realised what was happening around me. That I lie to everyone just to reach my goal. And this goal was clear, I saw it very sharply in front of me, even if everything else was blurry: I finally wanted to be seen again for what I am. I wanted to be this Livia, who continues to fight even if it is difficult. I wanted to be the girl that makes her parents proud because she knows exactly what she wants. I no longer wanted to be the one with the heart problem, the one who has to be careful with everything what she do. Because I just wasn't that person, I never wanted to be her. But I was far too focussed on that and so I lost the reference to reality. What I did when I lied to everyone around me just to do my own thing...

It's okay, you're fine! Said my inner voice and only pulled me further into this spiral. If I had been reasonable, she should have told me to stop. But she didn't. Instead, it always went on like this. Day after day, I invented stories. I told my father that I was with Lewis, and I told Lewis that I was at home and did things for school or had an appointment with my dad for dinner. Such things like that, but never the truth.

And actually, I could have known that this doesn't work forever, because lies always come to light. But I just couldn't see it anymore, no, I didn't want to see it. I suppressed reality until the house of cards collapsed into itself and I could only looked at the shards of it.