Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

T H I R T Y F I V E

I had gradually arrived at a point where I couldn't stand all this anymore. The eternal rest, the constant monitoring and everything else that has to do with this shitty operation. I was really happy that I got such great support from my dad and Lewis, but it was really enough for me. I just wanted my normal life back. I finally wanted to dance again, yes, I was even looking forward to school when the holidays are over. But I knew exactly that my father won't let me do any of these things if the doctor doesn't confirm that everything heals well so far.
So I had to hope that this damn waiting was worth it and that everything is okay...

With a slightly dull feeling, because I didn't really know what to think, I ran into the cardiology practice. At the reception, they said that I have to wait for another moment, which made the excitement in me rise more and more. I hated waiting, especially now. I just wanted to know what it looks like now. I wanted to hear that everything is fine, that I can finally start doing sports again - and lead a normal life. But now I sat here waiting.

My gaze wandered outside, the half-transparent curtains made you guess the white snow landscape. My thoughts differed completely. I had to think about yesterday and how beautiful the day was that started with me annoying Lewis with the fact that he is now a year older. After the cosy breakfast, we went to his family, spent lunch with them and in the evening the fattest party in a long time took place. The memories of it made me smile involuntarily. Pictures of Lewis and his brother on a club couch came in front of my inner eye. As they hung there, it was certainly already after zero o'clock and you could read the amount of alcohol on their faces.

In any case, both wore some sunglasses, the other way around, of course, and had a great time. Another detail that remained in my memories, was the situation with the bush. I don't know exactly what time it was anymore, but at some point I wanted to get some fresh air. Anyway, I'm out, where I saw one of Lewis friends lying in a bush. When I then went to him to ask if everything was okay, I noticed the pink heart glasses on his nose. „Well, I fee betta than eva before... " He had gelled at me, and of course he was doing really well. Probably he had already thrown up everything he had consumed before...

In the end, two more guys came, of which I no longer knew the names, and carried him back in. After that, I didn't see him anymore, but I think he woke up this morning with hellish headaches. Not only him. Even Lewis just whined all morning and would have liked to have slept again. Oh how good that I stayed sober yesterday and could start the day today without a hangover...

To pass the time further, because I was still waiting, I looked at the photos of yesterday. I had planned to see if there were some good ones I could post later. So I scrolled through my gallery and also had to smile consistently. There were photos of Lewis and Nicholas, of the guy in the bush, of some random people who took selfies with me, and of course some of Lewis and me. From the latter I chose two that I could post. One where we kiss, and the other I press Lewis a kiss on the cheek, which he apparently enjoyed.

When I looked at these photos like that, I couldn't believe at all that it was really real. That with Lewis and me, that we were really together. That we were so happy after all these ups and downs. Not to mention, of course, that I never thought that this would ever happen to us anyway. It's funny how times change. We have known each other for almost a year now, and have experienced so much together. There was our first meeting, our second meeting, the thing with my father, the moment he broke my heart for the first time, the day I forgiven him, only to regret all this again. And besides all these things, I only really knew one thing: I never wanted to lose it again. Never again have to live with the knowledge that he is not with me. Because that's the worst thing I can imagine. To know that he's out there and I can't have him. Lewis had become the person I love most from the person in my life that I hated most. And that within ten months.

It was really incomprehensible to realise how time ran, that's just unimaginable. And sometimes I wonder if I would have liked to have changed something. Whether I would have done some things differently. On some days I wonder if all this pain was really necessary to get here. Would there have been no other way to achieve this? Every quarrel, every discussion, every time someone was hurt, was it what it took to be here now? I really didn't know, but I would like to know. Because I would like to know if I would have acted differently if I had known how it would turn out. If I wouldn't have said some things just so that it would be different now. But maybe it wouldn't be? Maybe it didn't matter from the beginning, and it wouldn't have changed anything. Maybe there was never the possibility to change anything because the end is already determined?

I didn't have time to think about it further, because I was called. My legs were soft, threatened to collapse under me. But I had to be strong now. I had to believe that everything will finally be good and I can leave all this shit behind.

But was it really? So simple, probably not...