Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

T H I R T Y S I X

After thousands of studies, an MRI, questions about my condition and the worst blood sample I have ever had, I waited again. Of course, who would have thought that?

Slight dizziness danced behind my forehead and I felt like I had to throw up, which certainly came from the fact that I had difficulty seeing blood. But maybe it was also this uncertainty. I finally wanted to know if everything is okay, could that be so difficult? Well, obviously, yes.
Anyway, I was waiting here now, and that without any end in sight.
Ten minutes.
Half an hour.
Forty-five minutes. Nothing happened
And then the door to the waiting area opened.

„Miss Wolff?!" It was the same nurse as before. I nodded and followed her into the doctor's room. The older gentleman, also the same one who just examined me, sat at his table. „Please take a seat." He pointed to the chair opposite him, where I then sat down. The sister, however, had already disappeared again.

„So Miss Wolff..." He started and opened my hospital folder. „I would like to discuss a few things with you. First of all, perhaps, the general healing of the operation, which went really well. The doctors were able to straighten the vessels well, so everything is fine..." He took a short break, my feeling already told me that this can't mean anything good...

„But...?" I croaked, my throat felt so incredibly dry. Then he sighted. „But we found something else..." I swallowed hard. The question of what they found got stuck in my throat. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to know at all. Anyway, he was already talking further. „I looked at the pictures of the MRI and saw something that is not supposed to be there... There are small blood blisters on your ventricles, but this has nothing to do with the operation." He stopped again. I didn't have the slightest idea what that meant.

Blood blisters, ventricles, what should I do with this information now? „And what does that mean for me?" I asked the doctor, who then sighed again. „I would like to send you nicer news, but unfortunately this is not the reality in this case. The reality is that this increases the risk of a heart attack for you extremely and unfortunately we can't really do much about it..."

I didn't say a word anymore. Not a single one, when I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out of it. I felt the perfect world in which I lived until just now collapsed into itself. All the hope I had until just now was gone. And I was back at the beginning. We can't do much for you. How I hated this sentence, simply because I heard it far too often. And every time I felt like the ground would be torn away under my feet. Well, it did it too. The bitter truth always does that, doesn't it?

„Listen, Miss Wolff. There is the possibility to do an operation. I'll put you on the list if that's okay...?" The doctor looked at me with hope, but I couldn't return his smile in any way. Surgery, list, my stomach turned around three times with these words. „We would have an appointment in three weeks, for the preliminary meeting and all other things. In the meantime I will sat down with your father who has to sign all the documents, yes?"

I couldn't do more than nod silently, because I knew when I talk, I had to throw up. I felt so bad, so infinitely bad that I would have liked to throw up right here... I didn't want to go through all this shit again, I didn't want to be on any list again that determines whether I die or not. God - I just wanted to be healthy?!

„In the meantime, I can only tell you that you have to take care of yourself. So no sport, no great effort and of course no alcohol or other drugs..." Oh fuck you, I've heard all this before, and what did that lead to? Exactly, to nothing!

„Okay." I finally said. „Thank you very much..." Well, thank you for nothing... I felt stupid to myself, I mean, this doctor can't help it either. Nobody can do anything about it. But I was so incredibly angry, hurt and angry because my life is just as it is.

Whenever everything is perfect, if it works out with Lewis and me, I have no problems with my father and everything else seems to be good, then the ground crashes under me and everything collapses. And I didn't understand why. What have I done to make it my shitty life that is like that? What did I done to deserve this?!

„Thank you, Miss Wolff. And believe me, everything will be fine." He said goodbye and shook my hand with a smile.

As soon as I was out of the room, all the emotions came over me at once. I felt something I had no words for, which hurt so much that I would rather die than feel that. First under the tongue, then at the back of the throat and at the end on the left, directly under the ribs. I couldn't hold back the tears, they ran over my glowing cheeks, and burned when the cold hit my skin from outside.

The muddy snow crunched under my shoe soles and I wondered what sense this had? The pain, the shattered hope, actually this whole shitty life. What sense did it make if you were told that you were dying?
How does it even work? Why is it so easy to tell someone that they will die? It couldn't be that, could it? I ran to this shitty doctor's office, hoping that everything will be okay now. And the opposite has happened. Nothing is good. Nothing at all. Everything is bad, worse than before, and only because this time I really thought it would work. I really had the hope that it would finally be good, that's why it hurts so much.

I shouldn't have believed in it from the beginning, I should have known that it was ridiculous, but I didn't. It's my own fault, for the pain, for all this shit. I should have known better.

The ice-cold wind whipped in my face, I inhaled it and felt... nothing. Shouldn't there actually be anything? Pain, a burning, something? There was nothing there. Suddenly, my body felt deaf, somehow dead. The only thing I could realise was that it was broken, my heart. God - how I hated this feeling... But I wasn't allowed to crack now. I wasn't allowed to lose my nerve, not now...

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Oh well, what do you think of this chapter? Let me know what's your opinion and what you would do if you were in Liv's place...

Take care and stay safe!!!

See you <33