Matteo finally came to our room. He looks tired so I offered a movie night. He did the homeworks in a library so he doesn't need to worry about anything.
He agreed so we watched really many films. It was 8.00 pm and it's midnight now. So we decided to go sleep.
•
School in November was good but it's awful this month. Because it's last month of the term.
But let me speak about the November. Last month.
So I was hanging up with the boys a lot. I was with them on some recording they released a new album called Four. And I love the album and loved the recording. We did one sleepover and because I'm clumsy I broke my arm. Yes not leg again but arm. I broke it two times really close to the wrist. So I can't move it too much. And it hurts a lot. But the sleepover was fun really really fun. Just my arm didn't like it. But to my luck not exactly but better than nothing. It's my left arm so I can write. Then we spent some time with a Brook. We were on a dinners and this. And I was studying too. But I really have no idea what they are talking about in the school.
I will not be able to move too much my wrist maybe more than year if ever and I need to go on some physiological things. So yes I'm so happy...
I'm just one big mistake but okay. Now to this month. I'm all days with a books and learning so I wish myself luck.
•
The exams or whatever. Went surprisingly good. I messed up just 3 of them. So I was doing them again and yes I passed. Matteo was like my second teacher but it helped so I thank him and I bought him some games and food what he likes.
To spak truthfully I don't know when I ate last time. But I'm alive so it was less then month. I sometimes take some small things like an apple or some egg or salad but not too much. I began to be vegetarian because I feel sick when I ate meat. Zayn and any of the boys didn't like it and still don't but it's my decision. My body my decisions. And my mistakes...
I had a breakdown yesterday. Because I felt lonly and I missed my mum and sissy. And I missed Luke, Dad and Ann too. And in my mind was some crack because I was asking if anyone really like me and then the fear of death came. And it's not fear of my death it's about everyone I know. That Brook will die and Matteo and Louis, Zayn, Liam, Niall, Harry, Ellie, Jasper then my brother and sister and dad. And I was crying really much. I can't even imagine knowing that any of them isn't alive. I will kill myself if anyone of them die. I just can't.
The knowing that I will never see the beautiful girl with the amazing blue eyes and wonderful blonde hair, that I will never be able to hear the laugh of Niall. That Louis will not make me laugh ever again and Liam will not saying the non sense sentences about life. Zayn will never be able to talk with me about the mental things and Harry will never be able to say me that he likes some girl. And Matteo will never teach me something and I will never be able to look at him with confusion and all the thing I do with my friends. I just can't imagine that. And I know that it may be truth in a future. And it's just killing me inside.
These breakdowns are worst. Because everything just fall on you. And you must thing about everything. Every single fuckin' stupid thing.
When I had the breakdown yesterday. After hour of crying Matteo came into my room and calm me down.
I had the breakdowns like once or twice per week. It's killing.
And then when sometimes some of my visions came up. It's messed up. Because if some moster just saying you that you'll die or Brook is already death or nobody likes you and it's repeating again and again. It's really killing.
Why I just must have the horrible mind?? What wants me to kill myself or I don't know. And then someone tell you something bad or raise his voice or yell at you. And then it's really terrible.
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So first I'm sorry that there's so much time jumps and yeah. But I need to get it to new year so next chapter probably about Christmas. Or before Christmas. I love you all. Byee<333
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Life Is a Roller Coaster |Sequel|
Random!!!!Warning, you can find here eating disorder, maybe little depresion thoughts and hints of self harm!!!!! 2nd book of Life so Sick or Perfect serie Amy is going to completely different country to live a new life. How's she after what happened?? Wh...
