Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 66

"Now, take out your journals and open to a new page, you'll be submitting this as a test grade at the end of class." Alan announces turning his Power Point on on the projector, "answer the prompt in three or more paragraphs, no less," he emphasizes gaining moans and whines of disapproval from everyone, and like always, he has gained pleasure from it all, "you're almost seniors. This is nothing compared to what you'll be doing next year." His responsibility as an English teacher is to give us as many writing assignments as possible, to open our minds to more broader things that we've never visited before, but Alan's way of teaching is of a college professors. "Imagine you are a school consular," he begins to read off the white board, "and a student, in a state of frustration, anger, and pain, burst through your office doors threatening to kill themselves. How would you respond to this student? What will you say? What will you do? What if this student pleads that you not tell anyone; would you keep your word or seek professional help beyond your profession?" Remember, three paragraphs or more. You have thirty minutes, get started."

I know this is a connection to Niall's death, and usually I would refuse to answer something like this, but I know responding will make us more aware in the future. You never know what someone is going through or how bad their life is until they chose to end it. It's never the answer but they don't know that. They don't have anyone guiding them to a path of reconstruction so they feel like they should end something they think is worthless. Someone's mind is an endless novel of pain, happiness, fear, and curiosity and it should be nurtured when it's left to rust. Someone's words can be so influential, helpful or not, and a single suggestion or assumption could trigger something you can't reverse. I feel like that's what Niall was going through. I wish I talked to him more to see if I could help, but I was too busy worrying about my life to even consider his. I know I had no idea, I know there's a possibility that there was nothing I could've done, but maybe the action of showing care would've made him steer towards more of a logical release to whatever he was going through. Words are just as powerful as actions and I've now had two people I love attempt suicide, and one of them succeed.

"Alee, slow down, I can barely read what you're writing." I look up from my notebook to Alan hovering over me, and the side of my hand is covered in smeared in lead.

"sorry, I didn't realize I was writing so fast." I glide my tongue over my thumb and clean the smudge, smearing it and making it worse. I have so much on my mind.

"That's alright, I'm glad you're actually writing. Just slow down and make it more legible. I don't want to have to take off points." He grins walking to another student and I lean back in my chair feeling the soreness seep through the bones in my hands.

Harry has been gone for three days and I miss him more than I thought I would. I can't lie to myself and say that I'm still upset with him but I've gotten over it, I think. I wasn't able to sleep last night from all the heat and tossing and turning so I sorted my thoughts and feelings out about it all. I'm hurt that he pushed me against the car but I understand why he did that. His best friend dies and two cops interrogate him accusing him of being responsible; was he supposed to smile and be happy about that? I'm not taking the blame, I'm just thinking about him and not myself. I feel distant with him because he isn't opening up to me anymore so God knows how much rage was built up in him. I need to be more careful.

I sound so stupid but when you love someone and think about all the bad they've been through, you can't help but to understand why they're violent or have issues. Of course it's not okay to put your hands on them, but it's Harry. Who do I love more than him? Who can I honestly say cares more for me than him? He has protected and loved me more than anyone I know and he's been through so much his whole life not asking for anything but love in return. He's broken, so fucking broken, and It's my job to help fix him when he's at his worst. He needs me more than I will ever need him.