Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 1

~Preciously on Pain~

"If I leave," Harry clenches his jaw and steps forward to me, trying to hide the fact that he's hurt with some type of dominance, "I'm not going to come back."

"That's the point."

There, in this moment, I've never seen someone look so defeated in my life.

Leaving everything, the jewelry, sweater, and letter on the floor, he slowly blinks back the reforming water in his eyes and shakes his head.

I always end up regretting any mean words towards Harry, I always regret hurting him in the end but I don't think I will this time. I've put up with too much and I know it was never his intention, but what he said earlier was the last straw and I'm done. For good.

"Really? You really want me to go?"

"Yes." I sternly say and he backs away from me.

He takes small steps back to the pile he dropped and picks up the ring I promised to never take off my finger and he holds it in the air. Looking at it with pulled eyebrows, he tilts it to read the quote, "I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow." On the final word, he looks into my eyes and his face is completely pale. The lump that wasn't there earlier lands in my throat and I choke out a cry because of how much I've hurt him.

He was my world, he was my everything, but it's tarnished and I have nothing left to give.

My weak hands cover my face and I cry into them and without saying another word, I feel Harry walk passed me and out the room, and his footsteps echos throughout my house and I fall.

I fall because there is no more "us" or "we," there's no more late night hanging outs, no more spending the night with each other and hanging out untill daybreak, no more late night calls, no more kisses, no more hugs, no more "I love you's," no more listening to him play his music, no more joy, no more laughter, but most of all....No more Pain.

~~~

Do you know that saying, "If you stare too hard at something that you like, it might disappear?" Or the saying, "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one?" If you know it, have you ever experienced it? Have you ever been through something so beautiful but ugly at the same time? Something so rare yet something you let go of? I've been dwelling. Nothing but that. Just thinking and reminiscing about the good memories leaving me with nothing but the bad ones. I sit and try to remember the beautiful part of my past, but I've thought about them so many times that I've sucked the memory out of my head leaving the ugly part I've pushed aside to invade it. I can't do anything about it since it's the only thing I have left to revisit and it has pushed me down way passed my breaking point. There's so many of it, so many that have been hiding away, some I forgot even existed and now, they're all huddled and settled in together that now I'm inundated with nothing but the hideous memory of what I thought was beautiful; what I thought was the best time of my life.

I caused it; I know. In a way, I still blame myself because I feel like I could've done more for him. I feel like I should've been more understanding than critical, maybe more supportive, I guess. But at the same time, he caused more damage than me. It was lie after lie, secret after secret and the whole time I was oblivious to it all. What he did is a prime example to never lie to the ones you love. I wasn't a saint, I know that. I know I could've done better, I know I shouldn't have been so emotional all the time and overreact over every little thing but that was because I never felt that type of love before. I was so afraid of losing him that everything worried and scared me to the point where I thought he was going to leave me if I made a small mistake. I was so attached to him, too codependent and fixated on him that when I think about it now, it makes me laugh. I was so naive and blinded by love that nothing was important but him. He was the air in my lungs and the blood in my veins yet reality managed to replace that. I never doubted his love for him, I still don't, but there's just so much one can take, and I took more than I could handle and here I am, seven days later still crying.