Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 60

What happens when you die? Does God hold his sinless hand out for you to grab to lead you into His kingdom? Is He going to open the golden gates and welcome you with sincerity into His promise of happiness in eternity? Will clouds part and angels play their rose-golden harps with halos risen above their heads with grace? Will he place His hand on your heart and clear all your sins, all you've done wrong on the earth He has created? Or will he close his gates and dismiss you to hell? Will He hand you over to the Devil and shake his head disgusted in what he has created? Will the Devil unwrap his burned crimson hand with scars and black nails to lead you into the pit of fire he created when he betrayed God? Is he going to make you suffer more in hell than you did on earth as he watches from his throne surrounded by flames and demons? Or will blackness become you?

We hear stories and have read the bible about the afterlife, but what if there's nothing there? What if when you die, you just die and that's it? What if there is no bright light or a single door waiting for your entry?

What if death is just as empty as life?

The sun has never shined so brightly. The purest blue coats it evenly above the tombstones of the dead, and the vibrant green grass gathered with the dandelions and sunflowers surrounds the black soles of all the mourners here.

His casket is black, just plain black with the most illuminating gloss. It's held up by some bars above the six inch hole and in the middle of the fine wood, fifty red roses are placed. His picture of how we all remembered him is set untouched in a white frame, more flowers around it, and the silence filling the cemetery remains undisturbed.

I haven't slept in over a day. I lied in bed all night watching dry paint become more dry trying to rid my mind of Harry and Niall. To somehow transport myself into a world where I'm immune to pain but I couldn't. Zayn called a few times but I didn't pick up. I didn't have the energy to speak or move out of my bed because I've had enough of walking around just stepping on my lies. I don't want to lie to him anymore, he means well and I'm feeding him dishonesty. He deserves better.

I haven't heard from Harry since yesterday, and the fresh pain is still planted inside of me and he hasn't even called to say sorry. Not a, "are you okay" or "I didn't mean it," nothing. Not one text, call, or acknowledgement. He probably drank and smoked his pain away. Writing some stupid note apologizing for doing what he did. Or maybe he bought me flowers thinking my heart will heal. The more I thought about what he did, the more I wanted to cry, and the more I wanted to cry, the more I thought about leaving him.

But I'm not, and I won't, because I can't. I just can't.

"We are gathered here to say farewell to Niall Horan and to commit him into the hands of God. In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." The priest begins holding the bibly firmly in his hands, and together, we make the sign of the cross. Everyone's here; Harley, Zayn, Conor, the football team, soccer team, teachers, administrators, principle Laveck--all but Harry and Liam. Alan's beside me forcing back his tears watching Maura sob hysterically and just seeing it breaks heart into a millions of pieces.

"Lord our God, you are the source of life. In you we live and move and have our being. Keep us in life and death in your love, and, by your grace, lead us to your kingdom, Through your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen." The priest recites towards the congregation and we all repeat his word.

"Amen." Everyone speaks. The priest bends and lifts a hand full of dirt, closing his eyes with passion and pure belief, and drops it onto Niall's casket.

"You gave him life. receive him in your peace and give him, through Jesus Christ, a joyful resurrection." His deep, thick voice amplifies through the mournful cemetery, and after dropping the dirt three times, he makes the sign of the cross again.