Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 5

Aleevonne's POV:

I don't cry watching Harry remain in front of my doorstep. The tears are no longer visible; no longer energized to fall anymore and the weight that has been on my chest for the passed five months is finally off and I feel free.

My intention wasn't to hurt him or lie and say that I did hate him, but just the way he looked at me and claimed that he did "everything" for me set me off. I don't hate him, not as much as I made myself out to seem, but I've grown tired of him. Despite my love for him, I'm tired. I'm tired and so exhausted of fighting, tired of wondering if Louis is going to hurt me, tired of wondering if maybe Harry's hiding something from me; tired of falling back into his arms and taking the blame every time he messes up. These cage bars have rusted and I need to escape before they rust together and leave me trapped.

Every memory we had together means so much to me. All that we went through is still close to my heart but it has gotten to the point where those memories are more close to me than he is. Those memories are more good to me than him and if I have to sit here and always try to make those good memories come to life instead of creating new ones, it's not meant to be. I've cried too hard and long and was far too patient and understanding with him and I'm at my breaking point. Even if we do love each other, it won't change anything. He can't take back what he did and said and though I'm no saint either, at least I had the decency to tell him what was bothering me to his face rather than being a coward and going behind his back.

He ruined us. Not me.

After two minutes of still movement, Harry finally leaves. He takes his time, tugging the hairs from his roots and shaking his head, probably wondering who he's going to fuck with now that I'm gone.

I feel like I don't know him anymore. Last night, I was so excited and happy that I'll be seeing him until it got me thinking. I thought about all the things he had done and said, put them together and realized that he really did ruin me and he has turned out just like Liam, but worse because I loved him more than I loved myself. How could he have done that to me? After all I did for him, after everything I gave him; he goes behind my back and says those things? He spent our entire relationship claiming he was nothing like Liam and would never hurt me the way that he did, but he did. He hurt me so badly and I know if I take him back, it's all going to rewind and we'd be reliving history everyday.

For the first time, his kiss disgusted me. I never thought I'd want to push him away since they were always my weakness but I knew behind that kiss he thought he could trick me back into his arms, but I'm not stupid anymore. I had a whole week to think about it and I'm doing this for myself. I'm only seventeen and look what kind of life I'm living; what kind of fucked up life he created for me. I need to be away from him. It's what's best for me.

I'm taking off this peach dress with black tear stains from my mascara fell on and it smells like his cologne. He looked horrible today, behind his smile he looked like complete shit. But he'll move on. There are plenty of girls who want a tattoo'd, pierced up, bad boy who can make them feel good for a while.

My makeup has dried on my cheeks and as I'm looking in this mirror at the half dead girl looking back at me, I look unrecognizable. Who is this girl? What has she become? She has allowed two guys to stomp all over her life and her pretty little heart and now, she doesn't even have one anymore.

They're all the same. Guys are the same and want the same thing and I just thought Harry wasn't that guy. That just shows how stupid I really was and how right Alan was the whole time.

The week that he was gone killed me, it made me think that without him I'm nothing but that was only because he made me weak. I hate thinking this way about him but these are the things I've been denying. I was weak because he was the strong one and I always relied on him because of my incapability and inexperience. He's so much more stronger than me, he knows how to break me and tape me back together knowing that I'll end up back with him, but if I keep allowing myself to be everyone's puppet, I'll never be happy.