Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 6

The mall has been a great distraction for me. My mom and Alan are keeping my mind and body occupied with idea's for the babies room and wardrobe, making me run across the mall twenty times not giving me a second to think or depress myself over what happened earlier. It's an odd feeling being without Harry. I'm so used to him being around me all the time that not having him by my side when I turn is weird. This feeling has been there all week, but it's time to let that feeling go and start fresh. I owe it to myself to start recovering, no matter how soon it is.

"Oh my God! Look at how adorable this is!" My mom squeals holding the green plaid baby bandana in the air.

"My child will not walk around looking like a criminal." Alan dismisses looking at the rack of baby suits. I can tell he's really excited about having a boy. He's been paying more attention to what he's going to get for him than the girl, which is quite funny because he says yes to everything my mom has picked out for her, even to the hideous purple jumper.

"Not a criminal, silly! He could be a little rebel." She tosses the material over her forearm and moves on to the other shelves.

Although I'm grateful that they have been keeping me busy, I'm exhausted and want a little time to myself. I know walking around for a while will only bring the thoughts back into my head , but I need some time alone. Just for a little.

"I'm going to go walk around for a while." I say and Alan turns to me, "call me when you want me to meet you guys."

"Alright, do you need money?" He walks to me and slides his fingers in his back pocket. I would like some new shirts. The weather is beautiful now and some tank tops would be great.

"Not much," I don't want to be a pest so I'll just take whatever he gives me.

"Here," He hands me his credit card and smiles, "don't max is out though."

"I won't." I take the plastic from his fingers and kiss his cheek, thanking him for giving it to me and I leave. The bond is slowly building again, it's becoming what it used to be and though I'll take some time to have that full connection we once did, I can't wait.

The mall isn't as packed as it usually is. It's Spring Break, so I'm sure everyone is enjoying themselves on vacation with their family and friends. I had the whole break planned out with Harry. We were going to go to Six Flags and he mentioned something about Laser Tagging so I made plans to surprise him there, but now that we're not together I have two weeks to myself.

I know I said a lot of bad things about him, but I do miss him. I miss him a lot, more than I actually should and just the fact that he's gone for good makes me long for his presence. I can't help but to feel bad about the way I shot him down so harshly. I wish I hadn't said the things I did and I know it was inconsiderate and insensitive of me to have said that I hated him, but I was hurt and angry, even though he was feeling the same way. I haven't had the time all day to think about it thoroughly, but now that I am, he was probably hurting more than me. He had heavy bags under his eyes, smelled like cologne trying to mask the smell of drugs, and he just looked tired. I've known him long enough to know when he's hurting but this morning was the most I've ever seen.

I feel like I should've talked rather than ran the way I did. I should've listened, not yelled, but I had every right to. It wasn't like I was going to take him back anyway, but I tried so hard to control myself, I really did. I tried to leave all the things he said about me behind but I couldn't. He doesn't even realize how badly he had hurt me by saying those things, and he thinks I only left him because of that; I didn't. I left him because of everything else he had done. I know I did things too, and I know I hurt him, but every girl has a breaking point. Every girl has a limit that cannot be passed and I have expanded that limit so many times for him and I have finally reached the edge and have no where else to stretch it. There's just so much yelling and crying a girl can take. There's so much bullshit and lying, so much agony and depression one can take and I'm tired, sick and damn tired of always feeling that way.