Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 18

Harry has been tossing and turning all night, groaning and grunting in his sleep and mumbling words I can't seem to understand. The room is so hot but he refused to sleep anywhere else and despite the air conditioner, the glassless window frame creates no barrier for the heat coming in. I'm sweating like a dog under him and no matter how many times I try to roll him off of me, he rolls right back on and snores in my ear like usual. I don't mind it, to be quite honest. With his head on my chest, I have more access to playing with his hair and rubbing his back whenever he shifts from a bad dream which seems to relax him whenever I do.

After he played me a song, he helped me make dinner, which was actually really funny, and we spent the rest of the night watching movies and playing video games. I didn't play, he did and he made me watch him and I don't think I've ever been so bored in my life. We talked a bit, not much because what happened earlier still was bothering him, but he told me more about Mia. I had a lot of questions regarding her and Blake and surprisingly he answered them all for me. I've realized this before but his past made him the way he is now. Because he went through so much and experienced things he shouldn't have, it made him a better person but also made him more aware to those around him and matter to him. I don't blame him for being so attached and protective, I don't blame him for always wanting to be with me and wanting to know where I am or who I'm with. If I went through what he did, I would be the same way. I just need to accept that more instead of trying to change him or lessen his worry.

It's almost nine in the morning and Harry is still sound asleep. I woke up about an hour ago but he has been in the same position on top of me since I woke up and I'm afraid that if I move I'll wake him. I have to use the bathroom so badly that I just want to kick him off me but I'm kind of obsessed with watching him sleep so admiring all his features is distracting me from wanting to go.

I've been waiting for Alan to call me but he hasn't yet. This was all his idea and he didn't even bother to call or text me to ask why we stormed out or to ask how everything went. He won't answer my calls and hasn't dropped by yet; it's weird but at the same time it's less worry for me. After Harry and I buy new windows and doors we'll stop by my house and see how everything is going. I haven't seen my mom since I left and I've missed her. I wonder how the babies are doing. Speaking of the babies, I still haven't told Harry she's having twins. He absolutely loves children so I can't wait to see the reaction on his face.

During the session, the topic of pregnancy came up and he told the doctor his intention was to get me pregnant. Can you believe that? After all the promises and fighting over it, I was right and he was wrong. But something weird happened to me after he confessed it; I wasn't angry. I was hurt but only for a split second. I've heard him speak his heart before, I've seen him cry, heard him yell and holler as if he were doing it over bombs; but I saw something different in his eyes, a different type of pain I finally understood and it hit me. He wasn't trying to ruin my life like I had claimed, he was trying to give someone else one after taking it away and I knew this before, I knew the guilt was killing him, but he was trying to give a new life to make up for the two he let die. It was a silly and irresponsible thing to do being that he's still so young with his whole life ahead of him, but I wish that I had only sat him down and talked instead of yelling and calling each other names.

I feel like I would've had a better understanding and made sure he understood that I can give him children but not anytime soon. I'm still young too but I believe in us. I know we'll be together forever, even if it's on and off, we always end up in each other's arms and it just shows how life isn't worth living if we don't have each other.

It really felt that way without him.

Harry's back is warm under my touch and my entire body smells like him because of the cologne lingering off his skin on to mine. I really want him to wake up so that I can kiss him and have him hug me and the more I think about what we've been through, the more I want to hold him tighter.