Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 68

When you're seventeen, you should be thinking about which mall you and your friends should go to, what you want mom to make for dinner, which college you're thinking of attending so that you can expand your knowledge in the field you want to master. You focus on school but also make memories with family and friends to value it. You go to prom, dances, school events; normal things.

I'm seventeen and have had two boyfriends that hit me, one cheated who had tried to force himself on me countless times, who hit, used, and abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and one who tried, and succeeded, to ruin my life. The second one built our relationship from lies, from the ground up, and successfully manipulated and played my heart.

I'm seventeen and have self harmed, entertained the thought of suicide, have been through depression, has been the target for a gang, and am victim of abuse from the hands of the guys I loved.

I'm seventeen and have an apartment with my boyfriend.

I'm seventeen and have stopped him from killing himself.

I'm seventeen and have had two pregnancy scares.

I'm seventeen and have almost lost my life twice.

I'm seventeen and chose my boyfriend over my family. The guy who drugged and hit a girl, who killed his best friend, who put my life in danger, and who owns a company that distributes drugs.

I'm seventeen and have had the one man I'm terrified of come into my room, tie me up, and try to rape me.

I'm seventeen and regret everything I've ever done.

I shouldn't have allowed any of this happen. I can't blame anybody but myself because I've had the people I love around me warm me. I was so hardheaded to believe anything they told me and look where I've ended up. There's a worm in my heart eating it slowly gnawing to the core of it and I'm still ignoring the pain to please someone else.

I'm only seventeen, what have I done to deserve everything that has happened to me? I regret all of it. I regret meeting Liam, I regret meeting Harry; I regret everything. I don't know why I put myself through what I did even when I had so many opportunities to leave and be normal where I can go out without fearing for my life, but I chose to stay. I chose hell over heaven so I guess I deserve it. All this time I've been afraid that the demons will conquer me when all along, it was me who was ruining myself.

I'm not myself anymore. Who am I? I'm weak, vulnerable, naive, and pathetically timid. But who made me this way? Who turned me into this timorous bambi who gets hit even after looking left and right before crossing? The people around me, that's who. Before Harry and Liam I was strong and happy. Can you believe it? Happy. I was actually that and have been longing to feel it for such a long time and even after yearning for it, I've been turning it down.

I'm looking at myself in the mirror and see a dull figure looking back at me. I have bruises everywhere and even underneath my makeup they're evident and mocking me and my weakness. I've been crying all night hating myself and what I've allowed m life to come to, but it's time that I stop and take control of it. No one is holding me back but Harry and Liam and this is the last day that the both of them hurt me.

I need to end everything and find myself again.

"Where are you going?" Alan asks over the applause of thunder and I quickly zip my hoodie. Harry texted me this morning letting me know that his flight will be landing tonight, so before he gets here I need to take all of my belonging away from his possession because I know he'll try to stop me. I have to get away.

"For a walk." I love Alan. I love him with all of my damn heart because he has always been fighting for me even when I was shooting him down.

"It's raining, are you crazy? Where do you need to go? I'll drive you." He instantly offers.