Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 29

The bedroom is dark, almost like my heart and she's sound asleep. I've been watching her this way for hours; listening to her breathe, watching her shift and hearing her groan from a view where I can see every aspect of her. I haven't moved off the top of this dresser because I can't seem to stop looking. I feel like maybe if I look away and turn back, she'll be gone and I'll be alone again.

I didn't know what I was doing when she walked through the door, I was so heated and my mind was clouded with negative thoughts I thought were true and they scared me. It's not like her to just get up and leave without telling me anything and so I thought they did something to her. I know I physically put my hands on her but not with intentions of hurting or scaring her, I just---I don't know, I don't know what I was doing. I guess I was trying to calm her but at the same time trying to show her that what she did was wrong even though my message came off worse. I could blame the alcohol like I always do because I had only had a few swigs and I was fully aware of everything. I degraded her by saying I fuck her every night, I know I was irrational and stupid, I know I shouldn't have pinned and grabbed her that way I did and there's no excuse for it. I woke up and she was gone. I went crazy, I lost my mind, my heart collapsed to my stomach and I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life.

I just want to crawl in with her and hug her until she can't fucking breathe because she's my absolute world. She's my everything and purpose and I know, God know's how fucking certain I am that she will give up on me and the typical thing of this all is that I know it, I know she will and instead of actually staying calm and making her feel safe I'm doing the complete opposite and pushing her away. I'm shoving her with full force and as I watch her get up, I watch her recover and built her strength again, I push her right back down.

They aren't the real criminals here, I am.

It's almost five in the morning and I haven't moved from my spot. My eyes haven't left her view and they're not ready to any time soon. I was such an asshole to her last night. She cried right in front of me and I can't imagine how I made her pretty heart feel when I blamed my drinking on her. I'm such a mess.

She said she feels trapped and no matter how many times I deny it, it's true. I've taken everything away from her. I sent her parents away, for God sake, and they were stupid enough to leave their seventeen year old daughter home alone for a week. What kind of parents are they? I would never, ever leave my daughter with an asshole like me and the fact that they didn't even question me or the trip just proves how unfit they really are. I pulled her away from happiness, secluded her, trapped her like she's some prisoner and I want to say I'm doing this to help but it's not doing any justice. I watched her heart break through her eyes because of me and what the fuck did I do? I dismissed it.

I'm tired of sitting here and being out of her reach. She probably doesn't want anything to do with me right now, which is understandable, but I want to touch her and feel her and hold her in my arms until she feels what she wants to feel. She just wants to be safe and she's relying on me to do that.

I hop off the dresser and make my way to the messy bed that's far too big for her tiny body and she's spread out on her back with her dark long hair scattered all over my pillow. My cut stings with every move I make from her pretty hard hit but I'll live. She's a strong one, I've got a Mayweather on my hands.

I slide in beside her and wrap my arm over her stomach to flip her on top of me. She's knocked out and seems boneless at how effortlessly I'm able to move her and I bring the covers from under our legs over us. Half her body is on me, her arm over my chest with her hand on my heart and her leg crossed over mine in the most perfect position giving me access to hold her properly and comfortably. With ease, I rub her warm arm up and down, kissing the top of her head and forehead as gently as I can without waking her but it's all making it hard for me. I want to lock her in my arms and kiss her lips off her face, I want to make her smile and laugh until her face turns red, I want to make her dull yet beautiful eyes glisten with excitement but all I've seem to have done is burn it all.