Maid For Marriage

75

The one thing that kept running through my mind was my mother. I saw her. I heard her. She was there. It felt so real and then she just disappeared. Just like that, she was gone, and I was so scared I wouldn't remember, but constant beeping and whispering kept bugging me. It was like I was half asleep and half awake. "Come on, Thandi. The doctor said any day now. Let it be today." I heard my aunt. I even felt her hand in mine. "Everyone is praying for you. Your grandmother is here. She's at your apartment right now, cleansing it." She chuckled a little.

"They're going to take you off the ventilator this afternoon to see if you can breathe by yourself. You'll breathe by yourself, right?" She squeezed my hand tighter, and I just laid there as she cried. "Please, my baby. Please, fight. You deserve to be happy. Please fight. You're too young. You're too young for any of this. Please, my baby. Fight." It felt like I disappeared again.

When I came to I felt it. The pain. Did they not medicate me? "What's happening? Doctor!" Ma shouted, and I drifted out of consciousness again. I wanted to wake up. I really did. Not just for me but for my mother. She needed to be with those who came before her. She needed to be home, and for that to happen, I needed to wake up.

"Everyone has been camping out here at the hospital. They won't leave no matter how many people beg them. We're all here and waiting. I don't want to say take your time but whenever you're ready please come back. I love you, and I will spend every minute of every day making all of my mistakes up to you. Please give me a chance. Please. Just one more chance. Come back to me, my love. I promise this time I'll do better. Please just come back to me. I promise I'll make everything right."

I wanted to. I was ready too, but my body just wouldn't allow me to. The voices went away again, and all that was left was the beeping. It was so loud and so annoying that I just wanted to scream for someone to put it off. I used all the strength that I could find to pry my eyes open. I was in dim light, but I could see the letters 'ICU' outside my door.

Just at that moment, a nurse came. She gasped. "Just the person I was waiting for." Everything went red, and her eyes were completely black, and she walked towards me. I kicked and screamed but realized I couldn't breathe. Something was choking me. Was the nurse trying to kill me? I fought with all I had in me. I needed to breathe.

"We need to strap her down." I could feel everything. They grabbed my arms and restrained me to the bed, but I fought. I wasn't giving up. "Thandi, calm down. It's okay. It's okay." Ma? Was that my aunt? "Shh, it's okay. You're okay." Ma?Was that my aunt.What was going on? I was so scared. "You're okay. I'm right here. Nobody is going to hurt you. Doctor, what was that?"
"She was choking on the ventilator." I heard a gasp. "No, its a good thing. It means she's breathing on her own. She doesn't need it anymore. We've taken her off it completely. This is good." Oh thank God. Can I get out of here now?!

I just wanted to get up. I wanted to wake up and move around and talk, and just be. I wanted to cry. I wanted to kick and scream and cry. I had no idea what was happening to me or how long I had been like this. How much longer would it take?

I disappeared again.

This time, when I "woke" up, nothing was keeping me from breathing. I wanted to open my eyes but I was too scared. What if the nurse with the spooky eyes came back. Wad she even real? Was that some sort of nightmare?

I heard whispers. I couldn't make out what the words were, but I knew it was my aunt. I needed to wake up. For her. For everyone.

I felt weak and tired, but I knew I had to do it. No matter how scared I was. I used all the energy I had to open my eyelids, and I saw her. I saw her! She was holding my hand praying. I could see her! My throat felt like I swallowed sandpaper. I definitely could not speak. I tried squeezing her hand. I could only muster up a light twitch. But she felt it.

She looked up from her praying position and screamed. Her scream turned into a cry. "Thank you!" Her scream sounded exhausted but also relieved. I missed her so much. I couldn't wait to get out of here.

Doctors and nurses rushed in. "My baby!" A nurse had to carry her out. My tears were falling as they did their exam to prove that I was conscious. They spoke to me, but my mind was foggy. I was just too much for me to take in and even just to understand.

"Mrs Dlamini, do you know where you are?" I knew where I was. I just couldn't say it. "You're in the hospital. You've had a heart attack and undergone open heart surgery. You've been in a coma on a ventilator for four weeks." Everything was just too much. I was so tired and so sore that I just needed to sleep and I couldn't fight it so I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning surrounded by nurses and doctors. They were trying to get me to speak or just communicate. I felt stupid, but I needed to try. "Ma." It was more of a breath than anything else. "Did you say Ma?" I blinked once for yes. "She's here. Do you want us to get your mother?" I blinked once again.

"She can't speak just yet, but she asked for you." I heard them coming around the corner. "My baby." She whispered, coming into the room. She sat next to me and held my hand. "You're awake. I can't believe you're awake." She sat with me talking about random things like the date and the weather. Christmas was two days ago. She told me how everyone spent it together. My family and the Dlamini's.

"Ba.. Ba." I got out, and she smiled. "He's here. He's been here the whole time. Do you want to see him." I blinked once for yes. She couldn't come back with him but I was happy to see him."Mamakhe," he was crying too. He held my hand, and I squeezed it a little bit. "I thought I was losing you."

I spent a couple more days in the ICU before they moved me to a private room. I found the littlest things difficult to do. Stuff like swallowing, talking, moving. Today, I would try walking. I was so scared. "We're just going to walk to the chair. It right here, okay?" The damn chair was three steps away, and I couldn't do it. I took one step, and it felt like I ran a marathon. I just couldn't, and I felt stupid. My speech therapist came, and I completely ignored him. I didn't want to do anything. I was defeated by a fucking chair.

"You have visitors." The nurse said trying to get me excited. "No." She lifted her brow. "Please, no." I couldn't let them see me like this but a familiar voice kept nagging me to let them in. I fought that voice. "I told your family that you're tired. They'll come back this evening."

I ignored the staff and doctors for most of the day. I was tired anyway. I kept going to sleep but I kept having nightmares. I woke up sweating throughout the day feeling like I ran far. The worst one yet came that afternoon where it felt like the breathing tube was back down my throat. I thought I slipped back into the coma.

People were holding me down but I was fighting. "Thandi open you're eyes. You're okay." I did as my aunt said. I was awake. I was awake. People were actually holding me down. "Breathe. Breathe baby. You're okay." I calmed down and breathed with her. The doctors and nurses let me go and I cried. I cried like a baby.

"Mama!" I cried. She couldn't hold me because I was still healing but I held onto her arm for dear life. "Help me." I whispered. "I'm here baby. I'm here. What do you need?" I didn't know. I had no idea what I needed her help with. "Don't worry. I know. I know, princess." We made arrangements for her to be at my physical and speech therapy sessions. Her being there helped a lot, but I needed someone else too.

It had been a couple of weeks since I saw him. We were already into the new year, and he just didn't come see me. "Where's Senzo." My voice was raspy, but it was much easier to form vowels now. Her face fell. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice." She sighed. "I was hoping you'd be a little bit better before I had to tell you this princess." Tell me what? What the hell was happening.

"He blames himself for everything that happened to you. He's not doing well. He's drinking again."

No.

What have I done?