Maid For Marriage

93

I sat there in shock. This could not be happening again. There's no way I'm going through all this torture only for more trauma and heartbreak. "Mamakhe, did you hear what she said?" I looked up at Senzo. He looked so excited. How could he not know how this is going to end?

I couldn't speak. It felt like I was under water. I couldn't even hear. "Mrs Dlamini. Mrs Dlamini, we need to draw more blood to run a few more tests." I looked up at my doctor. I couldn't do this. This was too much for me. "Um..." My voice came out in a whisper. It felt like there was a knot in my throat, and it just got tighter and tighter. My lip started to shiver, and my vision became clouded with tears. "Is it possible for me to come back at another time for that? I would like to go home now." I didn't know how I managed to speak.

The excitement vanished from their faces. My eyes couldn't hold my tears anymore, and they fell. "Mrs Dlamini, because of your heart and lung problems, this is a high-risk pregnancy, but I'm confident that with proper constant care and bed rest, you will deliver a healthy baby." I didn't want to hear that. I couldn't bear it. "Stop, please. Do not make any promises you can't keep and save the motivational speech for someone else. I don't care. Can these tests be done at another time? If not, I'm leaving anyway." I was still nauseous and weak, but I didn't care. I wanted to leave.

"Okay, go home and get a good night's rest. Come back tomorrow,  and we'll run the tests and do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are. I'm sure once you see your baby, you'll feel much better." The drive home was silent. I felt like shit. Physically and emotionally. When we got home, I didn't even wait for Senzo to open my door. I just got out.

He was right behind me on the stairs. I walked to our room and tried shutting the door, but he caught it. "Mamakhe, please." I couldn't take it anymore. I held my hand over my mouth as I started sobbing. He had me in his arms in a flash, and I cried like a baby.

"I can't do this again." He held me tighter. "Baby, don't say that. This time, we'll be prepared for anything."
"No! Can't you see?! I'm not meant to have children! It's only a matter of time before this one dies, too!" He helped me to the bed, and I cried into his chest for the rest of the night.

Until the vomiting started again.

It was so intense that I thought I would vomit my internal organs out. I couldn't do this. I didn't have the strength. Senzo literally had to pick me up and give me a shower like a fucking child to take me to the hospital. I felt like the most useless human being on earth.

I guess he called ahead because when we got to the hospital nurses were waiting with a wheelchair. I was immediately taken to a private suite and put on some kind of IV. Doctors and nurses kept coming and going and more tests were done. I slept for most of the day because if I was sleeping I wasn't throwing up.

I woke up and saw my mother. "Hi, Princess." I had so little energy I could hardly keep my eyes open. I was trying to form words but just gave up halfway through. I couldn't do this. I couldn't. I just cried in her arms. I couldn't do it.

"Princess, I understand why you're acting this way but this time we'll be extra careful. This time you're going to hold your baby and hear her cry. This time you're going to get to see your baby grow old and have babies of her own and..."
"Stop! Please! I'm begging you to stop. Stop." I couldn't take it. "Okay, baby. Okay." She held my hand as I cried.

My doctor came back and told me I was suffering from the same type of extreme morning sickness as the first time. My pregnancy was considered high risk because of my medical history, so I would be seeing my doctor a lot more than a usual pregnant woman would.

We then proceeded with an ultrasound and the minute I heard that heartbeat it felt like the worst torture in the world. I couldn't even look at the machine. "Baby has a strong heartbeat." I couldn't take it. "Mamakhe did you hear what the doctor said. She has a strong heartbeat." Senzo kept trying and I just wanted it to stop. "Princess, please.  Maybe if you just looked."
"No! Why don't you get it! Turn it off! Turn that damn machine off!" The doctor complied as I sobbed. I was not going to allow my heart to be ripped apart again. I refused to become attached to this pregnancy. I won't allow myself to get hurt one more time.

"The baby is healthy and has a strong heartbeat. Everything is in order." The doctor started, but I knew everything would go right until it all explodes. I didn't want this. I knew it was only a matter of time before I had a miscarriage. I'll just wait it out.

I was sent home with some medication and an eating plan. When I got home two women were waiting in our living room. They both wore scrubs. "Mamakhe, this is nurse Miriam." She put her hand out for me and I shook it. "And this is Thuli, your midwife." A nurse and a midwife? For what? I shook Thuli's hand. That's when MaKhumalo walked in. "The rooms are ready." What the hell was going on?

"Thank you. Mamakhe, since you're on partial bedrest your nurse has advized we use a room on the first floor." I didn't know what to say. "Princess, would you like to go lie down?" I just nodded. They took me to the room and I just laid there. There was a lot of movement up and down the passage and in the room next door but I just ignored it. I was too weak to care.

The only way for me to get through this was to sleep. I didn't feel anything when I slept. So that's what I did. I slept all day every day. I knew I just needed to wait it out.
So I waited.

Waiting for your baby to die does something to you psychologically. I can't explain it, but I know I'll never be the same ever again. This was going to break me.