Feels Like Home

42 hours and 38 minutes

Warnings: language.

Jake's POV:

It has been 42 hours and 38 minutes since I left my heart at her doorstep. I'm pretty sure it is my fault.

I haven't slept. Every time I try to close my eyes I see her face. I think about how her eyes sparkle when she laughs, how she is so warm in my arms, and how she always smells so inviting. I can almost feel her arms around me, feel her breath on my cheek. I try not to think of these things, but I can not escape them.

I remember the first time I saw her on my doorstep drenched from the rain, she was, and truthfully still is, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I had the feeling then that all of the world was full of hope and promise and love. I smile at the thought of her in my arms and then remember that I might not get to hold her again, hear her say my name, or kiss her sweet lips.

I have to move. I can't sit still. If I let these feelings take hold of me, I am not sure if I can pull myself out of the sadness, the anger, or the loneliness.

It isn't as though we have been able to spend that much time together. I know that. I know that the idea that our future is with each other seems ridiculous. We have only had two days of real time together, but my soul finds its home with her. If someone asks me to explain it, I don't think I can, but it is what my heart knows. It is not a question in my mind. Her soul and mine are one, intertwined, and unable to fully exist without the other.

It isn't as though she is responsible for making me happy. I know it is up to me to be happy, but I only cared about happiness after I met her. It is true that she is why those parts of my heart, the parts that believed in possibility and hope and the idea of one true love, opened back up. 

It is true that she fills those places. It is also true that before I met her on the computer and before she cared enough to ask my name, I had long since stopped believing that these things were possible for me.

 Without her, I would have never fought for my freedom. There would have been no reason. I would have just kept going day to day in a familiar world, merely surviving.

Now, I don't want love without her. I don't want a life without her. I don't need anyone besides her.

I had gotten used to sadness, to loneliness. My years of isolation and loss had allowed me that. Mahri has given my life new meaning, I have developed new feelings that I hadn't explored in a very long time. If I don't have her and I have to go back to the old way of living it will be unbearable. I now know what I would be missing without her by my side.

I begin to pace. I have to find something to do. I have to get out of this space and out of these thoughts invading my head.

Maybe I should eat something. Yes, that should help, I think to myself while walking to the fridge. As I open the door, I am reminded again of our first night together and the dinner we shared by candlelight, I think of the sweet glances that passed between us, of the hope and love that was in that room.

Damn it! I slammed the door.

Those few days would never be enough for me to survive. I want her with me, by my side. I want our lives together and I think she wants it as much, at least I thought she did. Why can't the dream that I have for us come true? Why can't things just work out for me? Just once. Why did I get just a taste of happiness and then have it taken away? What had I done wrong? I hadn't even committed the crimes that I had been punished for.

I check my phone again to see if she responded to my message.

Nothing.

Again.