Missed Pages ✔︎

Chapter 16

ANXIETY

“I want to talk to you.” he uttered.  Nang lumingon ako sa kaniyang direksyon, napailing siya sa sarili niya. “You are avoiding me all of the sudden.”

“I donʼt owe you a piece from my thoughts.” I hesitated.

“I want to understand you.” kalmadong aniya. “I want to know about you and your sister. Iʼm sorry kung masyado akong demanding.”

“Hindi mo ako maintindihan,” kumuyom ang kamao ko kasabay ng mariing salita na sinabi ko. “No one canʼt.”

“I am more willing to hear all that you want me to tell.” his words was so soothing that it makes me want to tell him already. Yet, having anxiety at this point was a great bother.

“Even if I tell you everything I know, you canʼt do anything about it.” I snapped, trying to stop these tears again.

“Do you trust me, Miss Denver?” With that one simple question, he caught my attention.

“Yes, but—” I was about to explain myself but he cuts me off.

“Trust me when I say youʼll feel better after venting out your problems.” he put on a small smile on his lips.

I sighed as if avoiding him has never been one of my options. Ano pa bang magagawa ko kung hindi ko magawang lokohin ang sarili ko? Ayaw kong magtiwala sa kaniya pero hindi ko magawa... Dahil alam ng buong katawan ko na may tiwala ako sa kaniya.

Now that he already saw me getting mad and being at my lowest... Now that he met the dark in me, would he still be reading books and drinking coffee with me? Would he avoid me now that he already saw my true color?

Gosh, heʼs giving me anxiety...

“Gusto ko mang sabihin sa ʼyo, hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan.” a hint of embarrassment paints my face.

“Then Iʼll ask you questions.” he suggested. I admit, that was a good idea.

We entered the library to talk things over.

He first told me to calm my self down before we start our conversation again.

Nang naramdaman ko na handa na akong sagutin ang mga katanungan niya, huminga akong malalim at hinarap siya ng maayos.

“What do you feel towards your sister?” tanong niya. “Napansin ko, you seem to be protective of her. You were so strong and brave lately.”

I smiled before responding to him, giving him a grateful glance.

“I love her more than anyone else.” panimula ko. “Hindi ko lang talaga inaasahan na ganoon pala ang iniisip niya tungkol sa akin. She was right about saying those about me.” I bit my lip to control those tears waiting to fall again. “I say I love her but that doesnʼt mean that Iʼm not hurting inside.” I expressed.

He may not believe it, but itʼs the truth—that is what Iʼm really feeling.

I noticed his gaze upon me. He was giving me a serious look and I was so confused with thinking if I said something wrong.

“Mas nasasaktan siya.” he stated.

Biglang naglaho ang mga iniisip ko sa oras na ito at napalitan ito ng mga mas komplikadong kaisipan.

“I know.” I admitted. “Mas nasasaktan siya dahil sa akin.”

“No.” he uttered. Dahil sa sobrang seryoso ng pagkakasabi niya, nanlaki ang mata niya at agad na umiwas ng tingin. Pakiramdam ko hindi niya nagustuhan ang biglang pagsabi niyon. “It will never be because of you.”

I was staring at him and I just realized that now. I was astounded by all the words he said just now. The way that he assured me with all the thoughts he has on his mind about me, it was so much than I could take.

“She just needs someone that would spill all the bottled up emotions she was keeping for so long.” he voices as he puts his both hands on the table that separates us.

“Can I hold your hands...?” he then asks, his face turning red. “May I?”

“W-Why?” I shifted my gaze from him to his reaching hands.

“To make you feel better.”

The sound around the room and all that I could hear, except his voice, it all gradually die down. It felt like everything has stopped, especially the time. Only the gentle wind proves that the whole world is still moving.

I barely moved a muscle when I noticed his hand approaching mine.

“I could feel your pulse... Itʼs beating so fast.” he said after he clasped my hands. “Your hands are shaking.” he added, dropping his gaze at our intertwined fingers. He started caressing the top of my hand. “Is something wrong?” he asks.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa kamay niya at napailing ng ilang ulit. I slightly and gently pulled my hand. Iʼve had enough of his warm palms touching my skin. I couldnʼt tell if I did that because itʼs awkward. It was rather addicting, honestly... but I really need to snap it out. Hindi kami pwedeng tumagal sa ganoong posisyon.

Naghahalo na ang mga emosyon sa puso ko dahil sa simpleng paghawak niya sa akin. Mas lalong bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Ganito ang nararanasan ng mga bida sa mga romance novels. Sa libro, nagpapahiwatig iyon na unti-unti na silang nahuhulog sa isang tao. Hindi kaya ganoon din ang nararanasan ko ngayon...? Imposible. Hindi ako mahuhulog sa kaniya. Hindi pwede. Hindi dapat.

“Iʼm gonna go.” I said, in a hurry. “Oras na ng klase ko.” dagdag ko pa.

Habang inaayos ko ang mga gamit ko, tinanguan niya ako.

Hindi na siya nagsalita pa. Hindi na siya kumibo kaya napagtanto kong kailangan ko nang umalis.

— MISSED PAGES —

“Cyrus...” sambit ko nang makita ko si Cyrus na papalapit sa akin. Napatigil ako sa kinatatayuan ko at hinintay na lamang siya.

Breaktime na kaya naisipan kong lumabas ng classroom para makalanghap ng sariwang hangin.

“Si Hazel?” tanong ko. Akala ko magkasama pa rin sila hanggang ngayon.

“I took her home.” sagot niya. “Nagkulong siya sa kwarto niya kaya napilitan akong umalis na.”

“Sorry talaga, Cyrus.” tanging nasabi ko.

“Ayos lang. Nirerespeto ko naman na mas gusto niyang mapag-isa muna ngayon.” aniya. I find it really relieving to hear from him that he has respect for my sister.

I kinda felt bad because I donʼt want my sister to be alone. The thought of her having the alone time that she needed, itʼs assuring me that she will be okay sooner.

“Why did you call Marcus instead of me? You have my number saved so why?” I asked him out of curiosity.

“I panicked and I didnʼt know who to call. Well I kinda made it work because I saw you earlier with Marcus.” he smirks as he looks at me suspiciously.

And now Iʼm confused, “You saw me with him earlier? Where?” I asked.

“I saw you at the parking lot with your sister and Marcus.”

Paniguradong tinutukoy niya ʼyung kararating palang namin sa campus. “Ang alam ko, tanghali pa ang pasok mo. So why are you here this early?”

“Masama ba?” pabirong tanong niya na sinundan ng mahinang pagtawa. “Well, nandito ako kasi may project kami ng groupmates ko tapos—” naputol ang sinasabi ni Cyrus nang may tumawag sa kaniya

“Cyrus?” Someone called Cyrus from my back. It seemed familiar though.

When I turned to know who it was, I saw Marcus. What was he doing here?!