Missed Pages ✔︎

Chapter 35

NEW TO ME

“Youʼve been doing well in your studies since you came back to school, Hazel.” said Mom, whoʼs already seated in front of the dining table.

After few days passed, ngayon na lang bumalik ʼyung lakas ko. Ngayon ko na lang ulit makakasabay kumain ng almusal si Mom. Mabuti at maaga kong naisipang bumaba.

“Of course Mom.” ani Hazel. Kabababa lang din niya halos. She was already dressed up in her uniform. Ngayon ko na lang ulit siya nakitang naka-uniform. If we were only in good terms, sabay sana kaming papasok. Too bad that we werenʼt and my mind is a mess right now.

Umupo si Hazel sa harap ko, nasa pagitan namin si Mom.

“Frankie, balita ko hindi ka pumapasok since Tuesday.” ani Mom. Bumaling siya sa akin.

Sinadya kong hindi na magsalita at manahimik na lang habang ako ay kumakain para hindi na nila ako pansinin. Sana pala umakyat ako agad at sa kuwarto ko na lang pinagpatuloy ang pag-aalmusal.

Tumingin ako kay Mom matapos kong uminom ng tubig. My throat suddenly felt dry and the heat went up.

“What happened to school?” tanong niya.

“Nothing.” matipid at malamig kong sagot. “Masama lang ang pakiramdam ko.”

I donʼt want anyone to know what really happened except for me and Liana.

“Baka kaya naman masama ang pakiramdam mo ay dahil hindi ka kumakain?” tanong ni Mom. Umiling ako. “Hindi ka rin daw lumalabas ng kuwarto mo.” dagdag niya pa.

Napatigil ako sa pagkain. “I donʼt need to go outside my room. Wala rin akong gana kumain.”

“May pagkain ka pa ba sa mini pantry mo? Should I bring you something to eat?”

“Iʼm fine.” tanging saad ko.

“Thatʼs unhealthy, Frankie.” saad niya. I didnʼt think Iʼd get lectures from her. “Do you want me to drive you to school today? Or maybe if you want, dadagdagan ko ang allowance mo.” Ilalabas na sana niya ang wallet niya mula sa handbag na nasa gilid niya.

I cut things off. “Stop pestering me!" that was the moment that the last straw gave up. “Ayokong pumasok. Ganoʼn ba kahirap intindihin ʼyon?”

“Nag-aalala lang naman ako anak.” humina ang boses niya at halos mautal siya. “Noong nakaraan, si Hazel halos wala nang balak pumasok sa school. Ngayon, ikaw naman. Ano bang nangyayari sa inyo?”

When I turned to see her eyes, it was teary and screaming in confusion. Agad kong iniwas ang tingin ko. Nakokonsensya ako sa bigla kong pagtaas ng boses sa kaniya.

“Itʼs none of your business. Hindi mo rin naman maiintindihan kahit sabihin ko.” Tumayo na ako at akmang babalik na sa aking kuwarto nang marinig ko ulit ang boses ni Mom.

Tumayo rin siya. Muntik tumumba ang upuan dahil sa pagkakatulak niya. She was confused and sheʼs willing to risk everything just to know the truth. “Itʼs my business. I am your mom and I have the rights to know what you are doing.” she said, full of authority.

Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit mas gugustuhin ko na lang sarilinin ang mga problema ko. Telling my problems wonʼt solve it.

“Ano ba Mom? Kung ano man ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon, problema ko na ʼyon. Sa ʼkin na lang ʼyon.” I was fuming. “Ganoʼn ba talaga kahirap intindihin ng mga sinasabi ko? Canʼt you just respect my decisions? I never forced anyone or anything for you to force me do things I donʼt want to do.”

Thatʼs right. Hindi ko sila pinipigilan sa kahit anong gawin nila, sa kung saan sila pumunta, kung anong mga bilhin nilang kagamitan. Itʼs not that I never cared. I just thought that I have my own world, I have my own business to look onto. Hindi nila kailangan ng opinyon ko. Hindi rin naman ako malapit sa kanila-sa magulang ko.

Mom and Dad were okay with each other and they never fought. Thatʼs good. Lagi silang nagbobonding kasama si Hazel, habang ako, mas pinipili kong maging mag-isa sa aking kuwarto. I read and read a lot. Books are my sanctuary.

Hindi man ako malapit sa magulang ko, they always know how to make me happy. They bought me many books every year on my birthday. That was all I can ask them. Aside from that, wala na akong hinihiling pa.

I was living my life. It was quite dull if other people may call it, but for me it was the most important thing in my life. I lived in peace, I rarely had problems in school and in the house. Nothing felt more free than those.

I hold no hatred against my family because they were treating me the way I want them to treat me.

I was alone but I never felt lonely in my life. Iʼm used to being alone. It gave me so much comfort.

But now, everything has changed. Everything is new to me.

For the first time in my life, I felt lonely.

Hindi ko na tinuloy ang pagkain ko at iniwan si Mom at Hazel doon. I havenʼt done much for today but I felt really exhausted that I needed to sleep again.

— MISSED PAGES —

“Ate,” Narinig ko ang mahinang pagkatok mula sa pinto ng kwarto ko. “Can we talk?”

I buried myself under all the pillows I have in my bed. Napabangon ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Hazel. Nakabukas ang blinds kaya agad kong nakitaang kalangitan. The skyʼs already dark. Hindi ako makapaniwalang nakatulog ako ng ganoon katagal. Mula umaga hanggang gabi. Hindi ko na tinignan pa ang orasan. Basta alam ko lang ay gabi na.

“Iʼve heard the news.” ʼYan ang bumungad sa akin nang pagbuksan ko siya ng pinto.

I looked at her, emotionless. “What are you saying?”

“Iʼm sorry...” bigla niya akong niyakap nang mahigpit. “Hindi ko naman alam na—”

Inaalala ko kung ano ba ang sinasabi niya at kung bakit bigla na lang siyang humingi ng tawad. Sa ilang Linggo na hindi niya ako kinakausap, why now? Bakit ngayon pa kung kailan gusto kong mapag-isa? “Oh that news.” I laughed, mocking myself for not realizing sooner.

“Oo. Tama ka ng iniisip. ʼYun ʼyung nangyari sa akin kaya hindi ako pumapasok sa school. They are judging everything about me, they were verbally harassing me, they despised me for still existing even though I havenʼt done anything bad to them.” I derided. “Are you satisfied now?”

"Siyempre hindi ako masaya dahil sinasaktan ka nila.” she sounded frail.

“You should! Dapat nga magdiwang ka eh.” I said in a sardonic manner. “Hindi ba ʼyun naman ang gusto mo? ʼYung maranasan ko ang nararanasan mo para maramdaman ko naman ʼyung paghihirap na napagdaanan mo. ʼYun ʼyung matagal mo nang hinihiling, ʼdi ba?”

“I didnʼt wish for that to happen.” she said, grimly.

“Oh...? Look whoʼs talking. As if you never wanted that to happen.” I scoffed. “Alam mo kung anong mas masakit? All I did was protect you from the harsh words and protect you from those cruel people. Pero anong nakuha ko sa lahat ng ginawa ko para sa ʼyo? I got blamed even though I did nothing wrong.”