Remington
"Austyn. Hey."
My words were shaky, and I could just feel Emerson rolling his eyes from behind me. Then I heard him groan after Sebastian undoubtedly slapped him in the back of the head.
"Remington," She giggled, fiddling with her camera, "hey."
"Oh my god." Emerson scoffed.
"Can we go somewhere more private, and chat?" I laughed.
Austyn nodded her head.
"Emerson," She called out as she took the camera strap from around her neck and held it out to him with a mischievous grin, "hold this for me?"
"Absolutely." He grinned.
"Oh yeah, you break it, I break you." She feigned sternness, but it was still enough to get under his skin.
"Sebastian, can you hold this?" He smiled nervously.
"Nope."
"Why not?" Emerson said confused.
"Because. I'm smarter than that." Sebastian scoffed.
Their bickering faded away, as I pulled Austyn away with a chuckle sounding from both of us.
"Your brothers are something else." She sighed contently.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I smiled teasingly.
"I don't know," She stepped closer to me, "you tell me. They're your brothers."
When I looked into her eyes, I didn't know what to think. To this day, I still could not tell what she was thinking. I guess there's really only one way to find out.
"So," I stepped back, with a nervous smile, "how'd you like our set tonight?"
"Hmm," Austyn sighed, and pretended to go into deep thought, "it was alright, I guess."
I rolled my eyes playfully. She was deflecting. Again, "What was your favorite part?"
"That's a good question." She hesitated.
"Austyn." I mumbled, giving her a flat look.
"Ok, ok, ok," She let out a nervous chuckle, "your little- ode to me was sweet."
I gave off a small smile, "To you? You thought that was for you?"
"Tou-fucking-ché," She laughed. Austyn then wrapped her arms around me slowly, pressing her ear to my chest, making me more nervous due to the fact that I was sure she knew how wildly my heart was beating, "I'm really glad that you're in my life."
"Aw, do you mean it?" I joked and pulled back as I gave her a goofy grin.
"I do," Austyn punched me lightly in the shoulder, in an attempt to stop my teasing, "god, who knew that I needed a friend this badly."
"What?"
She still didn't get it. All that, and she still didn't understand. My heart dropped a couple notches, and I tried my best to keep it afloat. No use it letting it sink all the way down just yet.
"Sorry," She rolled her eyes playfully, "best friend."
"No- Austyn- do you really not get it? Still," I chuckled lightly and took her hands in mine, "I just dedicated a love song to you. Because I love you. With like- everything in me, I love you."
"I love you too-"
I pulled away from her and paced across the room, not knowing whether or not to push, and just ultimately deciding that I was sick of waiting. Sick of not knowing what to say. Sick of feeling helpless, and like I had no control.
"No- Austyn I am in love with you," I clarified, using all my strength to look her in her eyes, "and I have been pretty much since we fucking met! God, I'm so grateful for you, and I'm so happy that I met you because- honestly I don't even know if I'd even be half the person I am right now, If it weren't for you."
"Rem-"
"Please just let me talk," I said desperately. I gave her a pleading look, and she stood silently with teary eyes, urging me to keep going, "look. I was listening to you talk to Emerson the other day. When you were helping him find his pencil? Remember that?"
Austyn nodded, and bit her lip nervously.
"and and- you were just looking at him with so much kindness, and so much love, and you were telling him about how you'll know when you're passionate about something. How- sure you'll be able to survive without it, but you need it to live. For your life to feel like it means something. You need something to light up your world. To give your soul a break, and for me that's you."
A tear finally fell as she shook her head, and I grabbed her hands, "Austyn, I swear to god it's you. The way your face lights up when you get excited about something. The way your lips always twitch when you're trying to act mad at something stupid I did. The smell of your shampoo. The taste of your lips. I love all of it. Every single thing, and I can't even understand it, because sometimes I don't even feel like I know you. I know what feels like pretty much nothing about you, and you're killing me. I can't sleep without you, and I don't want to remember what it was like before Carmen drug your ass to that show, because I love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you Austyn. So damn much."
I didn't give her a chance to respond. I just pulled her in, and kissed her with everything I had. Like it would be the last time. Like I'd lose her.
"Wait," After a couple seconds she pushed me away, "no."
I looked at her lips as they whispered the word. It sounded like a crack. A shatter.
"What?"
"I'm so sorry," Her hands touched the place my lips had just been on, "you're- I can't do this right now."
"Austyn, what are you talking about?" I sniffled.
I hadn't cried. My heart has hurt. I had been glued to my bed, or mad at my brothers. I had punched walls, popped pills, snorted lines. Almost everything you could do to cope, I had done it. Write songs? Check. Smash bottles? Check. Crying was something I hadn't done in a long time. For no reason other than I didn't see the point. Why do something that wouldn't solve anything?
"I'm so sorry." She said it over and over again. It rang through my ears. It dig into my chest. Apologies shouldn't hurt. Apologies were meant to heal. They were meant to mend. So, why did this one feel like it was taking my heart out of my chest? Like it was breaking me down.
"Don't apologize," I scoffed as she began to walk away, "Austyn!"
My shout, brought her to a halt, and turned her around to face me.
"Don't apologize," I repeated slowly, more of a plea this time, "just stay."
I could finally read her eyes as she looked at me one last time, and it broke me. More shattering. More darkness. More emptiness.
"I can't."
All I saw on her expression, was one tear being wiped, before she turned around, and left. Left me alone, to collapse straight into the ground, just wishing I could melt away.
"Brother," Emerson was smiling. I just knew it. The sound of his footsteps came to a rough stop, and I could sense his expression fall as he rushed to me on the floor, trying to pull my face off of the carpet, "what happened?"
I didn't speak. I couldn't really. Maybe if I didn't talk about it, it wouldn't exist. Maybe this was another nightmare. My head shook, and he pulled me into him, allowing a sob to finally erupt. My body shook, and my heart ached. He spoke to me but, I still don't know what he said. Everything I had, went straight to her. And she gave me nothing in return. She left me with nothing. My next sob came out louder, or at least it felt like it did. All I heard was ringing, and all I felt was pain. God, I was such an idiot. It seemed so childish to love something, or someone that much. I felt so weak, and defenseless. I had so much. Brothers who were there for me. A job, I had dreamed of my entire life. And I was so blinded that I was ready to throw it away. I'd throw it all away.
All I wanted was her.
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Question: have you ever had your heartbroken?
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