Memories We Share

Fourteen

It's been exactly 29 days since I last went back in time. I don't know why I haven't. At first I thought it was just taking a minute for me to go back, but no I don't think I'll ever go back at this rate. I came back trying to find a way to stay here in the present yet I found nothing and I'm in the present anyway.

The first couple weeks were hard. I cried so much because I was never going to see Haerin again. I was never going to see the girl I've grown so fond of. I don't know how to live without her anymore, but I have been. It fucking sucks. No matter what I do I can't go back. I want to go back. I could still see all of Heesoo's entries almost like they were in real time. The diary that once was evaded of mentions of me was now slam full about me.

I refused to read them because of how heartbreaking it was. Heesoo would write about Haerin and the other girls hurting because they feel like I'm gone. One in particular made me sob for hours.

March 11, 1998

Today was the worst day for Haerin since Minji left. I found her at the park at midnight sobbing into the jacket Minji gave her several weeks ago. I tried to take her home but she refused. I've never seen her this sad before. Hanbi came eventually and we both stayed with her until the next day when she finally fell asleep. We did however have to call Jungwon to come get her to carry her home. I cried a lot that night too. I'm done trying to help and get to know her. I won't let her sit around and hurt my friends. I've tried over and over again and I'm tired of it. Honestly I hope I never see her again so we can all move on.

Heesoo

I stopped reading her entries after that one. It hurt too much. They have every reason to be upset with me and I absolutely hate that I'm making Haerin go through this. She doesn't deserve this. I know past Minji don't owe me anything, but I just wish she would at least give them closure.

Recently I've been doing okay. I've finally accepted that I'm most likely not going back and that's for the best. Everyone should be able to live their lives like they were supposed to. I belong here—and they belong there. Every now and then I'll cry though. I'll cry until I'm almost throwing up thinking about what I did to Haerin and them. How I just left her there after we told each other how we really feel. How I hurt her so deeply. How if I ever do go back I know she'll hate me.

I can't dwell on the past though. I have to move on for my sake. It would have never worked out anyway. We couldn't be together. I felt Hanni place her hand lovingly on my face pulling me out of my sad thoughts.

"It'll be okay Minji, you'll get over it eventually." I told Hanni, not about the time traveling but about Haerin. I told her something that I realized way too late. I told her that I thought I loved her even though we were only together for a short period. I told her that I loved Haerin and we couldn't be together because she moved away. It was a lie, but I couldn't exactly tell her the truth.

Hanni took the news horribly at first. I know she feels deeply for me and I love her. I really do. I just know now it's not the same as what I felt for Haerin. At least I don't think it was. You can't be in love with two people at the same time. It doesn't make sense. She was upset—angry that I led her to believe there was a chance. However we are still best friends and I do love her so I didn't let her run away from me this time.

"I know. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did." Hanni nodded, giving me a comforting smile as she caressed my cheek. I leaned into her touch playing with the button of her school blazar. "I'm sorry for what I did to you." The Vietnamese girl seemed shocked by my words. I never bring this up so it's understandable.

"Can we not talk about this?" Hanni removed her hand from my face getting up from her bed and leaned against her bedroom wall.

"Han, I need you to know that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't mean to upset you—to hurt you." I get up walking so I'm standing in front of the smaller girl.