This Time We'll Never End

Chapter 29

Ramdam ko ang unti-unting pagluwag ng paghawak ko sa malamig at kulay gintong siradura ng pinto. Nanginginig ang mga kamay, nagtatalo ang isip at puso.

Hindi ko maitatangging tumagos iyon sa puso ko at gusto kong maniwala sa lahat ng sinabi niya.

He looked for me, for 3 years?

He went everywhere the letters were sent from these 3 d*mn years?

So that means... He went to the 6 countries I have sent the letters from, carried by the trusted people of my grandfather, to ask a random stranger in return of money, to drop my letters to a post office, just to find me?

Really?

I gasped at the thought.

Ang pag gapang ng nagtatalong guilt at lungkot sa aking puso ay nagresulta sa paninindig ng aking balahibo sa braso at kumalat sa buo kong katawan na siyang tila nagpapalambot sa mga tuhod ko.

Imagining him, looking for me everywhere, desperately, with such helpless and longing expression, made me think how cruel I was to him.

Bumalong ang masagang luha mula sa aking mga mata. But part of me is still hesitant to believe every word he said.

But... why would he do that?

Totoo nga kaya'ng... Hindi pa siya kasal?

At... Ako lang... ang m-minahal niya?

But why did the media brutally accused me of being a mistress kung hindi nga iyon totoo? They can be imprisoned for spreading fake news or even accusing someone innocent, as far as I know.

And the picture of him with a woman that was said to be his wife was clear and genuine, hindi edited. I'm quite techy, so I know.

They slept in the same bed. Kapit na kapit pa ang babae sa katawan niya like she had never been so d*mn satisfied and happy her whole f**king life!

And maybe... No, clearly... Had s*x before that was taken!

The lump in my throat was choking me, and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. Para akong sinasaksak ng paulit-ulit sa puso sa bawat hampas ng mga nakapanlulumong ala-ala bago ako sinagip ni lolo mula sa kanila.

It was like... Lahat ng luha at damdaming kinimkim ko sa loob ng tatlong taon ay basta na lamang sumabog at kumalat sa bawat hibla ng aking sistema.

My seething anger and thirst for revenge awakened. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. Bumilis ang aking paghinga. Nanginginig ako sa galit at kay sarap sumigaw. Gusto kong magwala at manakit. Gusto kong iparamdam sa kanila ang lahat ng sakit na dinanas ko nitong p*tang inang tatlong taon, habang sila... nagpapakasaya at nagpapakasarap!

But then, I realized... I am not like that. I am not like them, at hindi tungkol sa paghihiganti ang pagsama ko o ang pagdala sa akin ni Conrad dito.

I want answers, just as he wants to explain his side.

And I am so desperate to know every single bit of it for every question I have wrestled with these years. So, I shouldn't lash out without knowing everything, at least, without him explaining it all.

I will end this tonight. At least, if I am to cut ties with him, I want all my doubts and queries be cleared.

At nang wala rin akong pagsisihan sa hinaharap. That, and at the very least, marinig namin ang panig ng isa't-isa.

I cannot run away all the time. I should face the truth no matter how it hurts. And now is the right time to finally do it.

I tried picking up the pieces of calmness left in me. Pilit kong huminahon sa kabila ng panlalabo ng aking paningin, dahil sa mga luhang ayaw paawat.