Stupid Love

32

I can't hear myself think, the voices in my head continue to scream at me as I sit in my room in the dark.

" See you weren't good enough."

"No one ever will believe you now."

"Dad was right, you are a failure."

"Imagine how Joey and Katie will feel when you tell them how much of a fucking disappointment you are."

"At this point, don't even end it all, you wouldn't have enough people to show up at your funeral in the first place."

I hold back my tears, trying so hard not to fall into this empty nightmare. My phone begins to buzz. I look at it and it's Joey Facetiming me. I answer it,

"Omg why's it so dark." She says.

"Good to see you too." I say quietly.

She laughed and replied " What's up, how was your day?"

I hesitate, the voices keep telling me not to tell her before i respond with, "It's going alright, how about you? How was school?"

She smiles, the little thing bringing me any joy whatsoever. "It was alright, this guy didn't text me enough today though." She forces a smile, I can tell she was hurt. I wanted to feel sorry for her, but I couldn't.

"Sorry to hear that," I replied. I couldn't stay focused, my mind continued to run away. I felt like I was trapped in my own body as I could feel myself slipping away, like I was trying to hold on to the edge of the cliff.

She laughs as she looks at me and shakes her head. I look at her and force a smile, I was great at forcing my normal smile. I should've won an Oscar for it, not a single soul knew about me and my condition.

"Hey my guy is calling me, can I call you back later?" Joey says and looks at me with a smile.

I nod my head yes as she quickly says goodbye and hangs up, once again I was left in the dark, now cold eerie silence. The silence of the room couldn't have been more loud than a rock and roll concert, as my anxiety and depression and anger all kicked in to say hello.

A month goes by. I've moved back to Cheyenne, went back to the same warehouse job as before I left for Seattle. I've given back my bonus and everything I bought while I was out there, luckily for me, I didn't spend that much.

Joey and I were getting things rolling again, with everything that's happened I would've thought that my life was going back to where I was happy. I was with my people, I never made the move on Katie. We ended up talking still, we became friends.

I fell back in love with Joey, I guess it never really left. So with everything I could've asked for, why did it stay?

I wake up in a pool of sweat, my head pounds as if a bowling ball was dropped on it. My body feels numb and itchy. I roll over and look at my phone.

"November 23rd 2021 12:00pm" my phone says.

I lay my head back as I realized I needed to go to work.

I hoped off my twin bed and get to my feet, I look down at my body. My stomach was nonexistent, my ribs poked out as my stomach yells at me for food. I haven't eaten anything in 3 days, I began to do that a lot more often than normal. I never wanted to eat, everything made me sick.

I look over to my arms, they're all skin and bone. I stopped working out with the combination of not eating. I shake my head as I rush to the bathroom to go. After I used the weight scale, I weighed 110 pounds. I lost 20 pounds within a month, I knew it wasn't healthy, but I really didn't care.

The voices kicked in early today, that's all I could hear in the shower. The warm water felt cold, I had turned it up all the way to try and warm up my body but everything just still feels cold and numb, like as if I was standing in the mountains in the winter with no clothes.

I slowly get ready for work and hop in my car when I see I got a text from Katie.

"Hey, are you going to be at work today?" She asks.

I smile and reply "Yeah, are you?"

She quickly responded as she says "Yeah, I don't think a lot of people will show up today."

I totally forgot that it was the day before thanksgiving, having no one around has made me lose track of time and big events.

"Hopefully we get to work together or something," I reply.

She sends a winking emoji and a heart, I smile and begin the 5 minute drive to work. The drive is always quick, I play the same songs over and over again but today felt eerie, something just didn't click with me. I tried blasting my music to try and keep the voices down, but it didn't work.

I noticed Katie when I was driving into the parking lot of work and waved, she just ignored me. I didn't want to think much of it, but every little thing turned into ammo for the voices that wouldn't just shut up.

I walked into the bitter cold warehouse and over to my station, as I arrive my boss comes up to me and says "You don't have enough people today so, we're gonna put you somewhere else today."

I rolled my eyes, I didn't even want to be here in the first place. My boss points over to Katie's line "Have you worked with her before?" He asks.

I nod my head and begin to walk over to her, "Fancy seeing you here again."

She looked at me, I couldn't tell if it was a smile or the look of pure disappointment. I like to think it was the ladder.

She softly brings me over to the station next to her, "Can you work here today?"

I look at her and smile before I realize that I had this stupid fucking mask on. "Yeah whatever works for you oh fearless leader," I reply.

We began to work like normal, luckily I bought a mp3 player, just before I put my headphones in I felt a hand touch mine.

I turn to see Katie looking at me, "What's up?" I ask.

"So, what are you doing for thanksgiving?" She asks.

I stare at her not knowing how to respond, my parents are gone, Maddi is going to her family's house for thanksgiving. Joey is with hers and so on and so forth.

"I'm going to go home and make some nice pizza and go to bed," I reply.

"You don't have anyone to spend thanksgiving with with?" She asks a little concerned.

I shake my head no. As I can feel the rush and fear set in as my anxiety takes me over slowly.

"After 20 years of living, your wish is now your destiny."