Stupid Love

36

"It's been months since Maddi... The world turns cold, when you lose one best friend. The world becomes dark when you lose two, knowing you could've done something. Knowing you could've saved a person. Everyone wants to be the hero, everyone wants to be independent. What happens when you push the heroes away too far? I will never know," I write in my journal. I look outside my window, the sun is rising across the horizon. A glance of orange light mixed in with the snow covered mountains. I started the job for the railroad, it gave me a lot of time to focus on other things rather than that night. It still feels fresh in my memory, along with my Shawn's.

We await another train to pass us, I try to fall asleep. All I hear are screams, the screams of their last moments. I look over to my conductor and engineer, both are deeply asleep. Just hours prior they were laughing at my jokes and giving me advice about how to drive a train smoothly. I look back at the sunrise, for everyone else it's the start of a new day, a new adventure, a fresh beginning. I feel as cold as those nights of sadness, the nights of which I never slept only imagining what my friends were going through. Was I going through them too? I felt like it, I wanted nothing more than to move the engine and get off and hope it runs into me. This job was supposed to have distracted me, it was a new challenge. A challenge when your father is in management, with so many eyes on me at all times. I put the biggest smile on for everyone but little did they know how much pain I truly felt.

I lay back in my chair, looking at the blood red signal displaying stop. My head began to hurt, I see the stop signal but to me I see is their blood falling down their body like a river. I see the white, lifeless body in front of me. I see him, hanging from the signal. I've seen it before, it came in spurts. Not this time, the drugs, alcohol, driving at night. This girl, from this small town I met. She was a small distraction. We only met once so far, her name is Ruby. She has black gorgeous hair, with beautiful ocean blue eyes. Her voice has been the first thing to sooth me in months. I try my best to think about her, as I do a sharp pain runs through my spine, as if I wasn't allowed to think about anything else.

I look back at the signal, I see Shawn's lifeless face look at me. His eyes discolored and grey, I gulp as he opens his mouth. Nothing but darkness, it echoes the screams, as if he had a microphone at a high school prep rally. I feel my throat begin to tighten, as his ghostly voice screams " Why didn't you save me? Why did you let me die!" I shed a tear, the screams echoing in my head. My tear, rolling down my cheek as I blink to see his face gone, but the sound, the screams, and the message rains free in my mind. I can feel, a hand touch my shoulder. It felt weak, non existent, but still a  feeling of touch. I look over, my crew still sleeping peacefully, I look back to my shoulder. Maddi, in a white outfit, a white hoodie and pants. The ones she wore when we would go to the bar in Cheyenne. Tears in the jeans, even in the afterlife, and the beer stain on her top left part of her shirt. I brace myself for what comes next, as I look up into her eyes. All black, as her hair moves with the air flowing through the cab. I said nothing out loud but in my head I was screaming, "I'm so sorry Maddi. For whatever reasons you have to hate me, I fully understand your consequences." She was screaming in my ear, louder than the train horn ever did. "You killed me Corbin. You killed me. You did this!"

I nod my head yes, "You've reminded me, every night, every morning, afternoon, dusk, dawn. I will always say the same thing. It should've been me Maddi." I reply in my head. She crouches down and looks me with her abyss eyes, she continues to look into my soul. I feel as if I can't move, finding and remembering every memory I've had with her, flashes before my eyes. "I will always remember," She screams in my head. I blink as she disappears, just like Shawn. I turn back around, the blood red signal is gone and now the signal displays an emerald green. "Clear," I yell out loud, waking up my crew. I begin to start the engine back up and begin accelerating the train, pulling a 3 mile long train was supposed to be the biggest challenge for me today. It was supposed to be satisfying going home to see Ruby, but I never knew the hardest challenge was going to be keeping my head together.

The dead voices of my loved ones continued for the next 18 hours as we arrive into Denver. I don't even remember the trip back. I couldn't shut my eyes for a second, all I felt was darkness, screaming and the sound of crying mellowing in the background. It's been like this for years now, following Shawn's passing. When Maddi passed, I couldn't stop feeling it. It just seems to get worse, as everyone gets excited for another day, I marinated in my mind.

I finally get home, 12:43pm shows on my clock as I roll into bed. Ruby texts me, "Hey Seb, how was your trip? :)" A tear breaks down my eyes and hits my shoulder as I write back "It was good, I'm tired haha."