Stupid Love

33

The nights became longer as the wind became stronger, I had lost my sense of determination and now it was only a matter of time until I burst.

Joey called me to tell me about her day, everything seemed such a blur, I couldn't really focus on her. I couldn't focus on anything.

"What's wrong?" She asks.

I shake my head, my head wants to explode. I feel like I could throw up, my body feels numb. I want.. No.

"Nothing, I'm okay." I reply with my normal smile.

She gets annoyed with my answer.

"See this is funny, you're the one telling me I need to be more open with my thoughts, but yet you can't even tell me what the hell is wrong." She says.

I say nothing.

"See this is why I get so distant with you, I don't know what you want half of the time. I don't even know what I want half of the time. I don't even know if we can be friends, I just don't know." She says.

I feel my heart shatter in pieces. I feel the void taking over, my anxiety, those dark fucking voices. They were just waiting for this one simple thing.

"I'm gonna go for a drive." I say as she hangs up.

I walk over to the bathroom in a hurry as I feel my body going ill. A sharp pain rolls through my stomach as I crouch over and puke into the toilet. I feel as my neck sharpens in pain, my right arm begins to hurt. The same area Mia used to smash her baseball bat on, a symbol of what I'm good for.

I grab my keys and head out the door, I can hear Maddi open her door as I leave out the back and into my car.

The AC blasts me as if I just landed in Greenland, the music is soft and quiet, I put on "Evil Angel" by "Breaking Benjamin" and begin to drive. I can't hear myself speak as my thought intrude my head.

I pay no attention to anything as I speed out of the neighborhood and onto the highway. I just wanted to get away, far away from everyone and everything. "No one needs me" is what I kept telling myself as the music fades and I notice a town off the interstate.

It must've been a small town because I didn't even notice it, it had one or two houses and a factory. I didn't care to look, I was looking for one thing. Which tree to run into.

The pavement ends as I hit the road going 115mph. The dirt road made it hard to control the car, that and the constant shaking. The tears rolling down my face made me feel hot, nauseous and just uncomfortable. I kept glancing off the road. Trying to find a tree, but it was no use as I was going down the road too fast in the darkness of night.

I texted Joey "I'm sorry for everything, I love you" I wanted that to be my final words. Eerie as this felt like a bad ending to a movie. I just wanted to roll the credits, I was done being a disappointment, punching bag, waste of space.

I closed my eyes as the bridge happens on the song and turn the wheel.